O Blog ~ its the ego again...

How I almost forgot that I have you and how much I love you. Spoke with a good mate today for like 2 hours and she said she had read my blogs and I thought, shit, I haven't connected with my blog in weeks. Blog, you are like my silent lover...patiently waiting and waiting for me to communicate and publishing unconditionally. But unlike an unconscious lover I will not fill you with negativity and drama and NOT only express when I feel 'alternative and random'...So...right now, while I am not completely alternative OR random. I will write to you when I am feeling somewhere in between pleasure and pain, neither here nor there.

Listening, sensing and experiencing your own inner wisdom is exciting, confronting and real. Allowing what you feel to guide on you on this path. Non-doing, observation and mindfulness is a practice that makes the journey consistently constant, continuous and mind blowing-ly beautiful. This is what is meant by the expression, 'go with the flow'. Allowing life to unfold for it self and your true self, the observer will play its role...just like watching a character in a stage play.

As an inhabitant of this dynamic planet I at times fall victim to its artificial nature. That is, one of habits, fears, anxiousness and other forms of toxicity all created to challenge our human existence and give us an experience in order to guide us to whats true for our journey. While consciousness has me realising that a  victim attitude belongs to ego conditioning, it for me is still very new and has to be a conscious observation and therefore decision to distinguish between what is bullshit conditioning and what is fact. I admit that sometimes Ego has its way with me as I play right into its hands. I do consciously recognise this, but it is also to be said that without ego, how would I realise?! That is...when things are shit I squirm....when things are going well, I squirm. It could be the genetic code of female conditioning, it could be 'I', but I am pretty sure it is the ego slapping me around. I don't mean to defame you oh Ego...but all I ask is that you become less abrupt from this point forward...IE. volatility versus stability...communicating with love versus an emotional purge lasting days.

Confession...

I have to say it and I say it to the world, Although I am content in me, and my journeys direction I still feel this longing...so perhaps not so content huh?

Having written this, I don't think so...what is missing? what is it that I want?...I think I know...but I don't want to say it because I also don't want to need anyone. (tough chick) I know the time will come when it needs to and when it is meant to...having someone to share, mirror, reflect and teach.

O Blog, how 'We' (my ego and I) miss you! I feel a squillion times better

paradigm shift...

A paradigm is our perception of reality, our view of the world. It is our interpretation of events based on previous teaching we have received.

The paradigm comes when we use the teachings from the past to change the view of our present reality.

I often move in and out of both. That is, sometimes the old self or old conditioning comes up. I'm sure its just my ego having a laugh at me...

in the flow...

into the darkness

apparently its OK to be here sometimes...but when your in it, it sure as hell does not feel like it. A huge spiritual shift is happening and like a cyclone I am in the eye of it...NO WAIT, it actually feels like I am 5km from the eye of it...if you know anything about cyclones (and I don't, but I do recollect that), the eye is the safest part.

"There is NO wind and usually very little rain in the eye, the centre of a cyclone. The winds rotate around the outside, and within these rotations they also swirl vertically".

Now that we're clear...phew. It still feels like inner chaos no matter where I am in and amongst this cyclone / shift. I know things "come and go" and as confusius reminds me "this too shall pass". But whats the difference here is that in trying to be with whatever is going inside is not very comfortable per se. Purging emotions and shedding tears, the insatiable appetite for sleep and the knee jerk reaction to run away and not face what ever this cyclone is doing, is literally appearing to be one of the most challenging things.

Who am I kidding, it only started an hour ago when a friend called and said, "be with it... this is good, this is what needs to happen". Since Monday, I have still been the persistent / ignorant little fighter that I always am. Strong! Egoic even! It appears the new 'weak' is the new strong in this spiritual day and age of 'universal consciousness awakening'. Surrendering to what the body and mind feels, allowing it to have its way with you...coming face to face with old conditioning, habits, desires. I don't likeY right now! But it is the necessary evil to the truth, the infinite, the essential self, the higher consciousness.

How do you surrender? how do you be with it when it feels so horrible and frightened? Its like being in a theme park and going through the biggest house of horrors and never getting off...oh shit wait...that just semi answered my own question. I'm gonna flow with this....if I was to stay on the ride repeatedly and go through the scares and frights that you encounter in this rechid house, after a few laps it wouldn't be so scary and all the skeletons in the closet would be exposed and no longer a shock. I would simply know how to handle the emotion when these skeletons jump out. Making me better equipped... It could almost be fun! you could laugh with it or at it by simply knowing its there and acknowledging. I would almost be reaction less to it (emotion) because I have confronted, dealt, surrendered....maybe this is too simplistic.

The mind (ego) is creative...you will be my servant! I will not be yours!

it's falling off in bits... chunks even.

Normally when I say this, its negative. But now I really know what it feels like to have bits fall off you. I'm not talking body fat. Though it would be nice, I'm talking deconstructing the ego and the removal of old beliefs, habits and conditioning. Not a bad thing at all. In fact totally necessary if I am to Fly! I did always want to be a bird...wish me luck!

The Mission

Where to start...its so crazy that this life really is a journey. We could think of it as ugly and challenging at times but, this is the perspective when we are not aligned. It really really is a wonderful, wonderful, turbulent gift. Turbulent in that it can be bumpy, it can be smooth and it can throw you off course if you are not agile, flexible, receptive and strong all at the same time. I know it sounds like a duh moment. But really. I thought I was on a journey before...and I was. But the journey has once again taken an unexpected turn whereby I am realising that with all the work I do in the fitness world, everything I have done and everything I do and everything that continues to interest is my guide, it is a direct reflection of MY emotion and the way I see the world.

I mean, I have a vision of what, where and how I want my business to be seen and perceived in the future...But how can I be sure, when I am only now truly waking up to who I am.

The journey when I set off from Sydney 8 months ago, was about launching my business as I was confident with who I was and the direction I wanted things to flow. But now, a whole can worms has opened and stuff at the business level seems incapable to truly move forward until I am clear on the mission. If I can even correct the above statement here "the way I WANTED things to FLOW". Oxy moron. How can it flow if I wanted it? Yes, you can say that you need to have goals in order to have direction, but...to truly flow, is to flow without expectation. See what stillness brings, in other words...when you keep chasing things can move further and further away... Something to think about anyway.

Today I learnt that a mission statement comes from the 'infinite self', that part of the universe that resides inside us, all of us. Its what can guide you on your journey if you tune it. It seems that for too long, I, like many people have failed to be able to tune in to this subtle frequency because I get up in my head 'ego'. Only we know whats good for us, but until we are able to feel this energy can we tell the difference.

Because I am writing this, it does not mean that I am golden at listening to this frequency, but I am now aware that this frequency is there. Though it needs some (allot maybe) fine tuning I know that going inside and truly tapping in to that energy that is so alive in us, in our bodies will help provide me with some of this infinite wisdom to help guide me and the mission for my business.