fear of love

in trying to tune out of the thinking and tune into the feeling of what is going on here, higher wisdom tells me to let go and go with the feelings that exist in the moment.

the impatient part of my childish self says, i wanna hang out more, but im scared of what i will do, of what i will say of what will come up.

Vulnerability is most certainly not my strength! Being open...TRULY open is not something i have allowed my self to do or 'be', in a fucking very long time. Even thinking about it right now, brings that emotional knotty feeling to my throat.

OMG..even receiving a text from her, gives me a feeling i am not sure I have had before. Its like a combination of fear and excitement. I want to know more, but I am scared to reveal. I didn't know this stuff was here until I have met her! I want to let so much out, but  I hold so much back and catch my self from saying silly things, just incase. 

Incase of what? fuck knows what!?! 

I am frustrated with the frustration! 

If I could know whats going on up there, I would hypothesis that my ego has grown a little or allot to try and protect me. It doesn't not want to be seen or threatened by a mirror that reflects me! I am scared of her liking me and feeling the same way as much as I am of her saying lets be friends. (no pun intended). There is most definitely nothing wrong with being friends. But at this stage I have no fukkin idea, what the kuff.

This ambiguous feeling is the feeling that lives and dies first so the longer it lasts the longer it excites me...on that little chestnut of wisdom I am gonna exit on a positive note and leave it at that! Nite xx World. 

DreamCreateBreathe

mum, dad and rock solid furniture

hahah like most things in my life, I'm typically all or nothing. Finding the balance is always the foreseen objective, however unobtainable it may seem....ideologically idealistically ideal! its very rare that we have time and resources to meet our ever evolving demands for more of this or less of that or to satisfy all the what ifs and 'shoulda', 'couldas'...My point is... I haven't written to you in over a year and today I am O.Deeing on blog entries. It feels good to do this and it also helps me to think. Therapy for my monkey mind.

I just wrote my dad a quick thank you email. My wonderful 68 year old parents came to my little studio apartment today to drop off and assemble a desk and wobbly chest of draws today. Mind you, the weather here in Sydney today is totally shitty and rainy but highly motivating bed weather.

After spending about 2 hours with my parents, I usually feel that this is enough and since living on my own again I can see that our hang out time is better quality than living under the same roof and driving each other mental. When they left, I was left with my old laptop that my mum brought back after using for a year or so to stream Filipino movies off the Internet as well as rock solid furniture that my Dad had glued, hammered and spanner-ed to industrial strength.

All I can think about after having them visit, as brief as it was. Is that I look at them, their lives and what they do for me and I am not sure I can understand how selfless life can become. Something I am sure only having a child can teach you. But today also helped me see, how no two people in the world could love me more than these two amazing souls. They will always be my rock solid furniture!

why her?

so in doing one of my first morning meditations this week, hence this morning. 17th Nov 2013. I wanted to understand why I like the girl that I do. What is it about her that keeps me curious and intrigued. At no point along the way has she indicated to me that she is interested in more than just friends. We have hung out and had a few day time dates, if you can even call them that. I mean, yoga, running, sculptures by the sea. But each time we part, I left feeling more confused. I know this is how I am, and I tend to over analyse every detail of every thought and this has now extended outward and beyond me back into the world to behaving a little more out of sorts, awkward encounters, detailed text messages to try and lock things in, showing up at her work to have a drink, leaving without saying goodbye, attention seeking basically. To the point where she has cancelled our next "hang-out" to get her assessment done... :( Granted, it is probably the truth, but one cannot go into their story of, why did she cancel, she doesn't like me, no body likes me....think I'll just eat worms...and so the story goes....wah wah fukkin wah.

So here I am, left to be blogging after almost a year. I forgot how much I do actually enjoy doing this. Nothing but brutal honesty and purity of thought. What ever thought comes up usually ends up on the page.

So the question...why do I like her? (so much)?

The challenge, The thrill chase. That initial rush of making eye contact with someone and ....just, ahhh smiling, wanting to make the eye contact, but trying not to. That snicker, that cheeky look in the eye.
Her mind. she gets me. or at least listens to me. and more often than not has similar views.
Shes cute!
Intriguing, curious.
Likes street art! - even better, does street art.
Trains, good arms :)
Has a story, an interesting past.
Likes living and experiencing.
Travels.
Self motivated and has a purpose.

So...am I digging on her because she is a resemblance of me and all the things, i am, have been, want to be more of again. More of an equal.

I just asked myself. How do I obtain, attract and win the heart of someone like this? Someone so similar to me? my gut response came up as fight for it, but give it space. Allow nature to take its course. If its meant to be, it will and if it doesn't then this energy spent over analysing is energy spent on something that didn't even exist.

Now get up and go for your morning run!

I "should" of known better!

I still have you...