observation of the heart

Have you ever had those feelings, when you are simply confused by what you want, who you want versus what you need versus knowing that you need to love yourself first?

I am often torn by these thoughts and conditions often.

Lust or Desire comes from that place of 'thinking' that if we have something, we fulfill something in ourselves that we can provide our selves.

Love on the other hand is something that we come across when we are ready to receive it and love and approve of ourselves as we are.

In feeling this disconnect I often wonder if I will ever meet someone that truly and unconditionally loves me who I really am. It may sound a little conceited to be thinking like this, and this is not a case of 'poor me'. It simply is an observation of where I am at.

I feel that this journey over the last 9 or so months has taught me alot about myself and in this discovery I have made many realizations about my attitude towards commitment.

If I could reiterate my past verbatim or creative a drama series of my life it would soon become apparent and clear as to how, why and where things changed in order for me to arrive on this island feeling the way I feel. Mostly I have been the saboteur of all the relationships or they were simply not part of my life flow...the latter being the easier ones to get over emotionally, while the ones where I was not a good decision maker caused me lots of pain.

What was the difference?
I think not only has it do to with the flow of life, I also think it has a great deal to do with the fact that I was seeking happiness in another person whilst not being aware of it. When I was in my flow and circumstances did not allow us to be together, it seemed that my head and my heart was quickly able to let go.

The point...
Be sure I remain true to who I am and trust that anyone who comes into my life was brought here for a reason...and to be open and present to that with out expectations. Simple!

5.57am Koh Phangan

I love rising early and watch the sky turn to light. It almost feels as if you are the only one awake to witness this momentary moment of watching night turn to day. I have always loved this hour, the early sense of calm and simply watching nature take it course. Its especially special being on the edge of this island watching the vast ocean and all its energy. The endless effect of the ripples and the stillness at the shore. As the sky lights up the ocean changes colour, the sound of the waves is soothing, there is no other sound like it. The cool morning wind, the sounds of the birds all is peaceful all is calm. There really is no better way to start the morning that with an early rise.

Lessons

I have learned a great deal about my self over the past 9 months and more specifically in the last few days. In a city choc full of people, we can choose to surround ourselves with people we choose. But as you minimise the number of people in your everyday, perhaps by moving to an island, you would think that being in search of the same peace and freedom the connection would be simple and require non-effort. It's probably just me and where I am at in terms of life-level, but it is most certainly interesting as to how we draw certain people into our life.

Here is what I have observed in the last few days;

- The way I 'feel' around difficult people.
- The way I 'feel' around negative people.
- Love and acceptance for oneself.
- Intense lonliness and opening the heart.
- Compassion, understanding, acceptance and letting go of past pain and expectations of the future.
- Learning to accept and appreciate the present moment.

While I can create this list and think about specific examples that led me to these conclusions. I would say the ones that take and require the most practice are the first 3.

I always have great patience when it comes to someone I care about, but when it come to people that get on my nerves instantly, I shut down. I have no space for them in my sphere of consciousness. I often wonder is does that lack of patience stem from the fact that as a mirror to this human being I to have these frustrating qualities or has it to do with the fact that my fault finding mind is living large.

Perhaps to some degree it is a bit of both. To walk away from the situation does not allow you to learn and move on, to go at it with anger just makes it worse and of course gives it life making it harder to resolve with two people rather than just in your own mind.

Is acceptance of the way it is the solution? or to throw love at it and meet it in the middle? or does just simply 'letting it go' serve?