I surrender

destination unknown

It feels like I have moved through the darkest part of the moment. Each new moment offers its own unique perspective, but some moments inflict a pain so hard to ignore that you become slave to its mechanics and have to trust that you will come out the other side wiser and stronger.

If we are to talk mechanics, it is not about understanding how things work, or being bogged down by the contents of the process. It is about trusting the greatest source in existence, the universe. This source  exists in order to keep us on track, remind us when we are misguided and ultimately lead us towards our higher purpose.

Yesterday I was taken over by the fear. I yielded little trust in what is and was held captive to a rampage of self-sabotage and abuse. I would treat no other human being like this, except of course…yours sincerely.

I was going to say 'we', but I can only speak for myself when I say this. “I” have a tendency toward juvenile behaviour of destructiveness because I have set expectations so high and possibly beyond my understanding of what is capable or meant for me right now. 

I was once told that -  “I am my own worst enemy”…but aren’t 'we' all at times.

After a drunken binge, I wake up feeling heavy and disastrous. I feel greatful for the people that were by my virtual side (skype) allowing me to be me, and creating a safe space for me to self -destruct. Though I have sincere gratitude, by no means do I feel resolution or inner calm.

Today, I spend the day, once again in my apartment and in my own company (which I am becoming quite good at) reflecting. Asking questions like...

What is it that you desire Elizabeth? What makes you tick? What makes you happy? What do you want? What are you looking for?

The hypothesis remains a big 'phat' question mark. All I know is that if I am to retreat and press pause on this journey to truth I will be a very unhappy sentient being. 

The last 6 months of ego de-condtioning and purging old emotion has shown me the light. Though it is still in the distance, at least now it is in my vision and more often that not I am showered by its love.

Though a solution would be ideal especially in this moment of uncertainty, I think the only thing left to do it surrender.

Surrender to what is – as is and therefore what will be – will be.

ok, have your way with me...

The polarity

3 days, and nothing is feeling better!!!...WTF

"Come on essential self, speak up". I cannot hear you over all of this destructive behaviour. Croissants is not what you really want, nor a pack of cigarettes a day, or no exercise or no sleeping pills. It cannot be. This is simply ridiculous behaviour. Do you want to stay in your little hermit hole? What the fuck is it that you want??? Silence? Stillness? More writing? Endless Inner Turbulance? Please communicate with me!!!. You are feeling like a terrible lover incapable of expressing what it is they need or want. Feeling sorry for yourself, playing victim and all these mind games, this is the behaviour of not even a child.

If being alone and being still is what you need, then you can have it. I am physically drained of all feelings right now, so do what you need. I will be gentle and maintain patience.

"Liz, be o.k with these feeling right now darling. This is no time to make decisions or take action. You know that in this darkness, clarity will come. Retaliation and anger will only make it harder and more painful. Listen to how you feel. If you feel that being depressed, alone and quiet is what you need. Then be with that. It is perfectly fine".

roll the dice

when all else fails...

I've always considered myself to be a good decision maker. Well, actually that's a lie. A good decision maker, makes decision based on the 'knowing' of what he / she wants and needs based on an inner guidance of intuition and wisdom. So this is perhaps why I 'thought' I was a good decision maker. This week, today, this moment I am far from being a decision maker as I feel totally null and void to my intuition and higher purpose.

Whilst I know that the higher purpose of my human existence is to be free from the conditioning and restraints of the mind in order to serve others, now and in the next life. Today, It seems I am of service to my ego and conditioning and all I have is this blog to find some inner and peace and clarity and be the observer.

Thus far, it does not matter what decision I make, they all seem to be out of necessity rather than from desire. Or wait. Holy Shit! Desire according to Buddhist philosophy is the cause of suffering. Shit! is this key...if we don't 'need' anything, besides our basic physiological needs then in this moment, I am o.k.