2014

not quite sure how to set the tone for this post...many times I come into the New Year with a warrior attitude ready to kick and smash goals...not saying that this year I am less motivated or don't have any goals...I am just feeling a little...indifferent, overwhelmed, expectation-less if you can even use it in such a way...

When I was on a high yesterday and a few days before that at a friends little house party, I thought to my self while looking over the city lights...what do you want? what makes you happy? the same questions that tick over and over in peoples minds quite possibly on a minute to minute basis every where, all the time, through out the universe.

While I was in this state, I did think, I am nor excited nor fearful of the future and what lies ahead in 2014...I suppose this is probably a good thing considering that life is about going with the flow...

So I thought whilst I am in this scatty headspace (new years day party) I would exercise my little brain muscle and ask it some striking life like questions...(bad idea, im sure...) but sometimes...the most insight.

love, friends and relationships...keep company with good peeps.
love is free
study...love learning...
work + save
holiday in June and Dec.

simple really.

thats all.

best wishes to me in 2014 xo

fear of love

in trying to tune out of the thinking and tune into the feeling of what is going on here, higher wisdom tells me to let go and go with the feelings that exist in the moment.

the impatient part of my childish self says, i wanna hang out more, but im scared of what i will do, of what i will say of what will come up.

Vulnerability is most certainly not my strength! Being open...TRULY open is not something i have allowed my self to do or 'be', in a fucking very long time. Even thinking about it right now, brings that emotional knotty feeling to my throat.

OMG..even receiving a text from her, gives me a feeling i am not sure I have had before. Its like a combination of fear and excitement. I want to know more, but I am scared to reveal. I didn't know this stuff was here until I have met her! I want to let so much out, but  I hold so much back and catch my self from saying silly things, just incase. 

Incase of what? fuck knows what!?! 

I am frustrated with the frustration! 

If I could know whats going on up there, I would hypothesis that my ego has grown a little or allot to try and protect me. It doesn't not want to be seen or threatened by a mirror that reflects me! I am scared of her liking me and feeling the same way as much as I am of her saying lets be friends. (no pun intended). There is most definitely nothing wrong with being friends. But at this stage I have no fukkin idea, what the kuff.

This ambiguous feeling is the feeling that lives and dies first so the longer it lasts the longer it excites me...on that little chestnut of wisdom I am gonna exit on a positive note and leave it at that! Nite xx World. 

DreamCreateBreathe

mum, dad and rock solid furniture

hahah like most things in my life, I'm typically all or nothing. Finding the balance is always the foreseen objective, however unobtainable it may seem....ideologically idealistically ideal! its very rare that we have time and resources to meet our ever evolving demands for more of this or less of that or to satisfy all the what ifs and 'shoulda', 'couldas'...My point is... I haven't written to you in over a year and today I am O.Deeing on blog entries. It feels good to do this and it also helps me to think. Therapy for my monkey mind.

I just wrote my dad a quick thank you email. My wonderful 68 year old parents came to my little studio apartment today to drop off and assemble a desk and wobbly chest of draws today. Mind you, the weather here in Sydney today is totally shitty and rainy but highly motivating bed weather.

After spending about 2 hours with my parents, I usually feel that this is enough and since living on my own again I can see that our hang out time is better quality than living under the same roof and driving each other mental. When they left, I was left with my old laptop that my mum brought back after using for a year or so to stream Filipino movies off the Internet as well as rock solid furniture that my Dad had glued, hammered and spanner-ed to industrial strength.

All I can think about after having them visit, as brief as it was. Is that I look at them, their lives and what they do for me and I am not sure I can understand how selfless life can become. Something I am sure only having a child can teach you. But today also helped me see, how no two people in the world could love me more than these two amazing souls. They will always be my rock solid furniture!