crazy things we do to heal

im heading to new york in august for a couple of weeks of nothing and to do some yoga studio research catch up with a mate or two but mostly to find my independance again. i know i will be ok because i have made it thru this type of thing before.... this being a relationship that had most of the right ingredients that was possible that was tainted with mistrust... but purely the experience of being with a person who wont own their own behaviour... i stayed for so long because i thought it was me that also needed to change. maybe in bit i did but not to the degree that our whole relationship demanded.

break up #6

what a disaster! this time it feels like we are both at our limit. the last message declaring 'i have nothing left' resonated and struck a cord in her too. I havent heard from her since sunday night and it makes me want to cry! a part is wishes she wouldnt text and huge lart of me for the last two days does. I dont want her to be in lain and i know she will be in more lain than i. well its nice to think like this unfortunately! it brings some sort of comfort. But i know she doesnt have the support and mind space that i have in my life. But who the fuck am i to speculate. for wll i know she might be happy as fuck! energised! laughing! relieved! who cares!!!!! i have to stop thinking of it this way. But i know she will be suffering allot! i wish i was there to help with home renos to acheive something so awesome and cool together. i wish we were going to hawaii together!

I miss her face, her smell, her body, her voice, her name appearing on the screen of my phone when she calls, stickers, kisses, her version of love,laughing talking, cooking meals together, party for two. 

some great memories well spent....

BUT THE PAIN!!! the anger! Icant any more... it hurts too much!! 

It shouldnt be this hard! its hard allot. i have lost so much of mysrlf... i know it can be found again of course but it will take some time. time to consciously heal. 30 mins for 30 days is a program i am gonna stick to. 

30 mins of moaning and pining is allowed for 3o days as well as 30 mins of cardio. Cardio or crying!! lets the poison and toxins of this heartbreak leave me. leading me slowly and steadily back to self love. 

Santosha = contentment

Quite often my curiosity drives me to dig deep into a particular concept or idea...here is one of the 196 Pantajali aphorisms for living. Santosha.

Pantanjali SUTRA 2.42 

[Santosha anuttamah sukha labhah]

From an attitude of contentment (santosha), unexcelled happiness, mental comfort, joy, and satisfaction is obtained.

Contentment comes from within: We humans seem to always be seeking satisfaction in the external world and our internal fantasies. Only when we comfortably accept what we currently have will be able to do the practices that lead to the highest realization.

If we are able to be content with whatever we have – physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually etc– we are going to be at ease (sukha) with ourselves, wherever we are. This is not a contentment of a tamasic nature. A tamasic contentment is for those who do not do anything (or have someone else do it for them). The rajasic one is for those who ‘do’ yet seek recognition while the sattvic contentment is for those who do without ‘showing’ that they are doing. From the ‘outside’, it looks like they are not doing anything at all. Here, again, the extremes apparently look the same. Both the tamasic and the sattvic approach may look the same (as they are not ‘seen’ doing anything) but the sattvic actually ‘do’ and thereby attain santhosha.

When we are contented, we gain unexcelled joy as we are at peace with ourselves and we are totally at ease. When we are content with whatever we get, we ‘get’ everything we ‘need’. Dichotomy doesn’t exist in contentment anymore and so we are one with the universe. When the Divine knows that we are not after anything, it will give everything to us without our even needing to ask. 

Why do people want a degree, a job, a wife, children, a house, a car? Because they think it will make them happy. This only feeds discontent. The moment we realize that we can have happiness with ‘whatever we get’, we then get ‘all’. Interestingly in the Dravidian Tamil language, santosham means happiness. Please remember discontent is unhappiness. As my beloved Swamiji used to say, “You do not have a problem, ‘you’ are the problem!” 

Discontent is what is being marketed by advertising today. This is also true in the world of yoga. Instead of saying “yoga will solve all your problems” one should say that yoga can help you cope better with your condition. This is more correct and truer. Otherwise one only feeds more and more discontent. In the world of yoga today one sees the marketing for more gadgets that one MUST have, if one is to experience the ‘right’ yoga session: mats, straps, bricks, belts and so on and so forth. What nonsense! It is getting to the point where if you do not have the ‘right gadgets’ you cannot practice yoga! Isn’t that the most absurd thing you have ever heard? Amazing, yet true. 

Santosham is truly an inner attitude of contentment with ‘who’ or ‘what’ we are, ‘where’ we are and with every life situation we face. This is the key to our ‘tuning’ into our anandamaya kosha, our universal blissful existence. Think about the concept of nishkama, as espoused by Lord Krishna in the Bhagavad Gita: do not be attached to the ‘fruits of the action’ but only concentrate on making the best effort. Let go of the results. Why do we do things? If it is in anticipation and expectation of the result, we will never be content. The curse of discontentment will follow us like a dark shadow until we wake up to the reality of love and life.

Do things out of love. Do them out of profound and deeply spiritual interest, and not due to any limited and mundane material interest. 

Your life will then be blessed every moment by santosha.

Resource:

http://www.yogalifecyprus.com/unexcelled-ease-and-bliss-awaits-those-who-perfect-contentment-by-dr-ananda.html