the ego spew...

I woke up this morning and immediately I felt it in body that I was still a little groggy and tired and just this sense of 'bad moodness" if you can call it that. I skulled water, put some meditation music on, lit a candle and a stick of incense and went right in there. Of course wanting to check in and find out what it was...and all that kept coming up was this frustrating, angry feeling with this new gig I have. The money I was expecting and later put out there was not matched...after a wicked session of EFT on Tuesday, shit with unworthiness, self sabotage once again come up and we released some of it. I knew some is still in there as it made me ill to the stomach when this technique was happening....anyways...soon enough meditation and yoga was over and I was in my head. I did try to sit still for a bit, but it just wasn't happening. SO I thought, ok. lash out, have your moment....I was trying to be totally subjective and look from the outside in...but I'm pretty sure I wasn't successful. Side 1. $15 an hour, that's fucking bullshit. I have to drive 30 minutes each way which uses a whole tank for 1 trip. $3. Which make the total value of the one hour session $12. Fuck off! Side 2. An amazing opportunity presents, it will only be a matter of time and you will have more, learn more blah blah. Side 3. Am I not worth more...? Side 4. Maybe thats all they can truly afford right now....some humility and benevolence and of course my favourite virtue...patience.

I know I shouldn't write when I'm pissed! (off) but I do. I like it, it feels better!

So, its a million degrees here again today, sitting in a cafe, the wifi is off. For reals? I have to do stuff online. grrrr. I smoke cigarettes! finally it works, now I'm tired, because I haven't trained, meditation was not happening this morning and I earnt $12 this morning. So I decide to head home, where I do 2 x 1 hour meditations. In the moment I am perfect, calm, still, centred. I decide I want to move and lift heavy things. I go to the gym, my hand tears on the fucking pull up bar, I have a shit work out. I remember the hypno thing happening at the centre where I teach a class, so i head there, traffic is chaos, fumes are high! I'm sweating from the heat not from my shit workout. I go to the hypno thing, lots of people, I'm not in the mood, I sit still and relax into it. I'm fine now. We lay down, we get hypnotised, something in my stomach tweaks. It feels familiar, but not in a good way....I rush off becasue I was going to cry. Tough Liz stops it, makes like a deamon on her scooter,, goes home and makes the yummiest green smoothie. She tries to sleep, she cant, she writes this with really bad grammar and punctuation. She doesnt care! Ego spew is over...

stickY

enough said really...

But is it? Or is just part of that conditioning we often joke about. I'm putting all the money I don't have right now on this! 

Uncharted territory is intimidating right?...do you not go there because of past beliefs or do you not go there because of fear?

Fear of pleasure, Fear of the unknown or unexplainable Fear?

A spiritual dichotomy

We learn so much about our mind and how to keep it under control, or lets say bring it to a place of 'calm' when it gets out of control. ...especially when that little conditioned, stubborn, rude, outspoken pain in the ass gets going and takes command. We want silence, we want it to stop. 

We teach ourselves how to unlearn everything we have learnt so we can relearn and see things differently. That is, de-condition the conditioning. Then only to then learn the application of the 'spiritual dichotomy' is in fact real and a  necessary evil if we are to live in this ideal of 'flow' and appreciate all the beauty of life in each moment.

But then...you meet an opponent. A roadblock, an obstacle but for the intellectuals we are you already know it's a lesson. Is it a lesson you want to learn? probably not, is it a lesson you need learn? I'm guessing so. Otherwise we may not both be here right now. What is the lesson? the practice of the application. To apply and practice that so called 'moment' we 'should, could and would' live in if that little pain in the ass didn't get going again. So now you meet someone that challenges you and just destroys all your conditioning and forces you to be in the moment. (well politely asking)....

Hmmmm Sticky!

Daily Ego Discoveries

'Liz'instein

hello consciousness, hello ego, hello world....So today I discovered something totally new and profound about me, myself and I. Yep...you truly do learn something everyday, even if its not as intellectual as the theory of 'general relativity'. But nevertheless being your own Einstein is all there is...right?

Well little miss independent thought she was totally on track and able to sort out her own shit...that I may have been...but if your sorting through the wrong crap then its not really relevant. I mean, I can't really say that because all roads lead to nowhere, so I guess I had to start on this route in order to find the other route. Ahhh M Scott Peck. I get it now...."The road less traveled". I'm a little slow I know, but GEEEZE was it 12 years ago I read this? and only now a light bulb flickers.... :) Definitely a spiritual journey, but sometimes (pretty much always) what your looking for is never on the shelf in front of you staring you in the face. It's the nooks and crannies that stuff hides, deep in the darkness where no one knows to look or wants to look for that matter (feel).

But on the upside with all the equipment, resilience and stillness you have accumulated along the way you are better equipped to handle the darkness, the deep stuff awaiting to be found and brought to the surface. So, maybe the common 'traveled' route was necessary at the time and then when you are ready the signs appear for more uncommon terrain appear and the mind will be ready to travel the road less traveled.

"My Forte"....Riddles! Riddles I speak, because cryptic it is. Nothing it seems, is what it seems. The ego creates diversions to protect itself from being found out, from being annihilated being conquered. Why? to perhaps have its way with you. But... all it simply craves is your attention. So bringing it to your attention and nurturing it and being one with it, allows it simply to exist in your awareness. 'Just exist'. But the difference is, it has no control over you. As Maggie would put it, it serves us, not 'us' serving it.

...and this is today lesson.