When your mind is full is it not inevitable that either we stop the thoughts and sit in stillness or allow the physical response of emotion to spill elsewhere... Hello stomach, Hello heart.
I have made some desicions or taken some actions in the past few weeks that are not in alignment with 'me'. They seem to be the actions or familar feelings of my former self. A self that i did not like because it was not authentic and able to 'feel' i feel as heavy hearted now as i did then.
Am i resorting to old ways, because i am home? Have i not learnt anything? Did i forget my purpose? I feel thrown off my path and the light is dim. No directions, no compass, no voice. Just stillness and emotion overwhelming the space.
Time... Its all we have. We are either living or we are dying. Again, perspecctive is our choice. If we are to live it, does that not mean spend our life the way we want and who we choose or to die... Well then get high, get on it, get fucked up.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
Two Minds
It must be those 2 voices sounding off again. One of logic, stability and adulthood and the other a creative artist waiting to explode with love, freedom, passion and the opportunity to set off on the next journey.
While it has only been 4 weeks since my return to my roots, Sydney...I have some many options, opportunities and potential to create something stable for my self. Though there is an equal part of me that wants nothing more than to be free.
But I am free right? but it seems that the lifestyle that I want to live and the career path that I have chosen are not succinct. In other words (God damn it) you cannot have your cake and eat it too! Why not?
So while a few things have come my way and fallen into place, I have made no concrete decision that effect the ejector seat button if I so desire to press it. A mobile phone contract and a gym membership are the least of worries.
The decision to take on full time study however is slowly nawing away at me and I am going to give this some serious thought, maybe a little hike to the mountains or a day at the beach to really feel what it is I want to do. I now know I am that point of which I need to specialise in something. Something to immerse myself and my energy that will deliver a given output. Its been a while...and my brain absolutely has the capability to do so, in fact it can do anything I fully invest myself into. Hmmmm maybe commitment to a degree for me, is just the commitment I am looking for? I find out more tomorrow about the specifics of Full Time Chinese Medicine Degree...holy shit. Even writing it feels different.
Travel or Study...those are the two minds! or Be free or Not be free. hmmmmmm
While it has only been 4 weeks since my return to my roots, Sydney...I have some many options, opportunities and potential to create something stable for my self. Though there is an equal part of me that wants nothing more than to be free.
But I am free right? but it seems that the lifestyle that I want to live and the career path that I have chosen are not succinct. In other words (God damn it) you cannot have your cake and eat it too! Why not?
So while a few things have come my way and fallen into place, I have made no concrete decision that effect the ejector seat button if I so desire to press it. A mobile phone contract and a gym membership are the least of worries.
The decision to take on full time study however is slowly nawing away at me and I am going to give this some serious thought, maybe a little hike to the mountains or a day at the beach to really feel what it is I want to do. I now know I am that point of which I need to specialise in something. Something to immerse myself and my energy that will deliver a given output. Its been a while...and my brain absolutely has the capability to do so, in fact it can do anything I fully invest myself into. Hmmmm maybe commitment to a degree for me, is just the commitment I am looking for? I find out more tomorrow about the specifics of Full Time Chinese Medicine Degree...holy shit. Even writing it feels different.
Travel or Study...those are the two minds! or Be free or Not be free. hmmmmmm
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Helene
Just had to call it that because I know right now that it is about you. In a way, I hope you read this, but in another way, I also hope you don't.
Laying it on the line for ya sweet lady.
You already know that you were the person on my mind for a whole friggen year while I was traveling. While I had a fling here and there, generally you knew that I wasnt with anyone, and while its not fair to say that was because I was thinking of you. I cannot whole heartedly say that. As you also know I had my friend come over from Europe so that we could "see what things were". But it was also at this point that I freaked out because I thought what happens when I go home and I want to kiss Helene. While I DO know you believe me when I say that, you can also check with my friends.
You also know that you were the first person I saw when I got off my flight, besides Elise obviously. But when I saw you at your house, I was not sure how to feel. I mean, of course your my friend and I care for you and love who you are as your a funny, perverse and crude bitch just like I. The best part about us!
But when you said your ex-boy was back in town and you guys were "hanging out", I could definitely feel a physical response, like a nerve was hit or something. Nevertheless, it was at that exact point that I realised that what I was feeling was definitely real. More real than over hours of skype.
You may or may not know that the fist time I actually acknowledged and accepted these feelings were more than a mere girl crush over the hot bar chick at work was that night playing scrabble at yours and you let me use my own vocab and still kicked my ass! About a week before I left...and everyday since I left I could pretty much say that you were on my mind at least once a day, if not more. Psychotic....yes I do realise. But there you have it!
So, after last Tuesday night...you and I both know...LOL you had me!
But you can also imagine that everyday since last Tuesday my head or shall we say the monkey in my head has being going ape shit with all sorts of fantasies, crazy ideas, futuristic plans, fears and doubts. Like a quaint little rainbow of emotions. The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.
But because I am who I am and nothing seems to meet the eye, I simply feel lost in this or in fear of this. I am not quite sure. I have even gone so far as checked our friggen star sign compatability to see if we are compatible. I already knew we were, but if I might just add the cooky flavour of me....its written in the stars. We're good for a long time!
Anyways lady, you may never read this and be totally turned off if you do but its how I roll and its the risk I am prepared to take to express myself to someone like you.
I am not sure why you would want to be with me. Please know that this is not my insecurity talking or maybe it is. But I am pretty intense, passionate, driven and just an all round lover and giver to who I am with (oh yeah in more ways than one, please allow your mind to park in the gutter...rear to curb please). You on the other hand right now seem to want playfulness and are uncertain about who you want to be with and what you want by way of play, flow or commitment.
I am not judging any of it...whats important is that you are happy with what ever decision you make. I guess all I am saying is that I want you and I am not sure how good I am at sharing. Who I am is all I am and if I am to share that it is to be with one person.
I was unsure about this monogmy thing for a while and having learnt allot about me, I know that this is what I want.
I might just add here, the things that hold me so captivated by you is your seemingly hard exterior and yet your soft mushy and complex interior. You have an open mind, a colourful mind and a wonderfully perverse mind. Your grasp on the English language excites me...like a 'word'smith if you will, you listen to and absorb all my endless thoughts and jitter. But more importantly the more I get to know you, the more I want to know. I feel that we could have allot of fun and adventures together and you would be pretty rad to travel with, if that was your dream...and less importantly but my fucking luck you are just FUCKIN SEXY!
Once again the time has come to press a button...like pressing send on that fuckin long text I sent, I am about to press publish... what are you doing to me, it seems I am breaking down all barriers for you!...but I like the philosophy of... Better out than in!
Laying it on the line for ya sweet lady.
You already know that you were the person on my mind for a whole friggen year while I was traveling. While I had a fling here and there, generally you knew that I wasnt with anyone, and while its not fair to say that was because I was thinking of you. I cannot whole heartedly say that. As you also know I had my friend come over from Europe so that we could "see what things were". But it was also at this point that I freaked out because I thought what happens when I go home and I want to kiss Helene. While I DO know you believe me when I say that, you can also check with my friends.
You also know that you were the first person I saw when I got off my flight, besides Elise obviously. But when I saw you at your house, I was not sure how to feel. I mean, of course your my friend and I care for you and love who you are as your a funny, perverse and crude bitch just like I. The best part about us!
But when you said your ex-boy was back in town and you guys were "hanging out", I could definitely feel a physical response, like a nerve was hit or something. Nevertheless, it was at that exact point that I realised that what I was feeling was definitely real. More real than over hours of skype.
You may or may not know that the fist time I actually acknowledged and accepted these feelings were more than a mere girl crush over the hot bar chick at work was that night playing scrabble at yours and you let me use my own vocab and still kicked my ass! About a week before I left...and everyday since I left I could pretty much say that you were on my mind at least once a day, if not more. Psychotic....yes I do realise. But there you have it!
So, after last Tuesday night...you and I both know...LOL you had me!
But you can also imagine that everyday since last Tuesday my head or shall we say the monkey in my head has being going ape shit with all sorts of fantasies, crazy ideas, futuristic plans, fears and doubts. Like a quaint little rainbow of emotions. The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.
But because I am who I am and nothing seems to meet the eye, I simply feel lost in this or in fear of this. I am not quite sure. I have even gone so far as checked our friggen star sign compatability to see if we are compatible. I already knew we were, but if I might just add the cooky flavour of me....its written in the stars. We're good for a long time!
Anyways lady, you may never read this and be totally turned off if you do but its how I roll and its the risk I am prepared to take to express myself to someone like you.
I am not sure why you would want to be with me. Please know that this is not my insecurity talking or maybe it is. But I am pretty intense, passionate, driven and just an all round lover and giver to who I am with (oh yeah in more ways than one, please allow your mind to park in the gutter...rear to curb please). You on the other hand right now seem to want playfulness and are uncertain about who you want to be with and what you want by way of play, flow or commitment.
I am not judging any of it...whats important is that you are happy with what ever decision you make. I guess all I am saying is that I want you and I am not sure how good I am at sharing. Who I am is all I am and if I am to share that it is to be with one person.
I was unsure about this monogmy thing for a while and having learnt allot about me, I know that this is what I want.
I might just add here, the things that hold me so captivated by you is your seemingly hard exterior and yet your soft mushy and complex interior. You have an open mind, a colourful mind and a wonderfully perverse mind. Your grasp on the English language excites me...like a 'word'smith if you will, you listen to and absorb all my endless thoughts and jitter. But more importantly the more I get to know you, the more I want to know. I feel that we could have allot of fun and adventures together and you would be pretty rad to travel with, if that was your dream...and less importantly but my fucking luck you are just FUCKIN SEXY!
Once again the time has come to press a button...like pressing send on that fuckin long text I sent, I am about to press publish... what are you doing to me, it seems I am breaking down all barriers for you!...but I like the philosophy of... Better out than in!
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