but today, I thought I would write about it. Because I don't particularly feel I would gain anything or add value to anyone I would choose to speak to. I know tomorrow is a new day so I'm just gonna let this little gray cloud hover over me before I go to sleep, and I know that writing also makes me feel better. "Better out than in"
So, why is the head space in an alternative state. Well, I got an email today from a course I stupidly signed up to earlier this year, and since pulled out as a) couldn't afford it and didn't really think that through when I signed up b) it was oriental psychology and I'm not sure I was ready for the content that we were going over. Very in depth and confronting as a 31 year old lil person. Sometimes its nice to know things and have knowledge, but sometimes its also nice to remain ignorant and learn from lifes lessons. Anyways, the email I received demanded that I return all course materials and pay $1000 for the 4 lessons that I attended. Wholly Fuck! All I am thinking about is my trip to India, working my ass off and saving as much of it as possible. So my hands are tied, I am trying to delay paying for it as long as I can and disappear to India. I'm sure Karma will bite me in the ass, but...generally I am a good person, with good intentions, lots of love to give, considerate of others, and just a positive little energy beam :) ~
Subsequent to receiving this wonderful news, I receive an email from the woman I love, who is currently working as a dancer on a cruise liner (Vancouver to Alaska) for the next 6 months. She has been in quarantine for 48 hrs, was on a drip, had a needle jabbed into her ass and was in an isolation room. Shes got the next couple of nights off to re-cooperate but is much better.
We Skyped...So nice to see her face. I say this because we decided that the timing for a relationship at both points in our lives is not great. Well, she decided this. I totally understand of course and want her to pursue her career and her dreams. As anyone that loves someone would. But for the first time in a long time, I felt contented (if i can use the word that way) for the first time even if it was for a short time. I know people say there are plenty more fish in the sea, but I'm not a big fan of seafood, so I want this fish :)...The other thing I came to realise in meeting this lovely, intellectually challenging and stimulating catch is that, I know not to settle. By this I mean, really going after what you want, the person you want. If someone does not tick all the major boxes, then it will only be a matter of time until you start feeling the itch, discontent, incomplete. Having a true understanding of what 'floats your boat' emotionally will save you time and heart brake over and over again.
I am completely aware that the universe may not send this gem back my way, but at least I will have a better awareness of what qualities are vital in the next person. So I guess it is here that I can say, situations and lifes gifts (no matter how they are presented, good or bad) open your heart and mind to new possibilities and ways of looking at things. Like a process of elimination. It can be a tough heart wrenching road, but staying atuned to your inner values will allow you to see the lesson in every situation, even if it does not feel like it at the time.
I can be a bit of a spritual dork at times and on a daily basis there are little messages or incidents that occur and force me to think, why did that happen? what does it mean? Not to the point of ridiculous, but for example, I subscribe to a fantastic blog called www.tinybuddah.com and the quote today read "to get something you never had, you have to do something you never did".
In regard my life journey / change in career path; this got me thinking and made me smile.....because, I am about to set off and do something I never did. Travel to India is allot more 'uncertain' than travel to Europe or Thailand. I am working harder than ever in hospitality (not fitness) to allow myself the freedom to go and focus on me and be me in a foregin land, acquire new skills, and be in my own company, observe how I interact with total strangers, or in akward situations etc.
In regards to matters of the heart, I really still do love her. For the first time, I am not allowing it to rule my thoughts and be all that I focus on. The old Liz, would be crying for weeks, unable to function and constantly be calling friends to talk about it. This Liz, knows what she wants for herself and understands that although we may not be together right now and off doing our own thing, able to sleep with whomever and basically stay connected with no expectations or promises and minimal contact. This is not something I could of done before. But I think a greater force out there (maybe my own inner strength and wisdom) has kept me calm about the whole thing.
The quote that comes to mind....
“If you love someone, set them free.
If they come back they're yours;
if they don't they never were.”
Sometimes when you find something nice, you really do have to savour it and be present to it when it is right in front of you. Because you never know when something in life will just change.
If it so happens that our paths never cross again or we go in opposite directions, its still nice to know we shared what we shared.
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