the ego spew...

I woke up this morning and immediately I felt it in body that I was still a little groggy and tired and just this sense of 'bad moodness" if you can call it that. I skulled water, put some meditation music on, lit a candle and a stick of incense and went right in there. Of course wanting to check in and find out what it was...and all that kept coming up was this frustrating, angry feeling with this new gig I have. The money I was expecting and later put out there was not matched...after a wicked session of EFT on Tuesday, shit with unworthiness, self sabotage once again come up and we released some of it. I knew some is still in there as it made me ill to the stomach when this technique was happening....anyways...soon enough meditation and yoga was over and I was in my head. I did try to sit still for a bit, but it just wasn't happening. SO I thought, ok. lash out, have your moment....I was trying to be totally subjective and look from the outside in...but I'm pretty sure I wasn't successful. Side 1. $15 an hour, that's fucking bullshit. I have to drive 30 minutes each way which uses a whole tank for 1 trip. $3. Which make the total value of the one hour session $12. Fuck off! Side 2. An amazing opportunity presents, it will only be a matter of time and you will have more, learn more blah blah. Side 3. Am I not worth more...? Side 4. Maybe thats all they can truly afford right now....some humility and benevolence and of course my favourite virtue...patience.

I know I shouldn't write when I'm pissed! (off) but I do. I like it, it feels better!

So, its a million degrees here again today, sitting in a cafe, the wifi is off. For reals? I have to do stuff online. grrrr. I smoke cigarettes! finally it works, now I'm tired, because I haven't trained, meditation was not happening this morning and I earnt $12 this morning. So I decide to head home, where I do 2 x 1 hour meditations. In the moment I am perfect, calm, still, centred. I decide I want to move and lift heavy things. I go to the gym, my hand tears on the fucking pull up bar, I have a shit work out. I remember the hypno thing happening at the centre where I teach a class, so i head there, traffic is chaos, fumes are high! I'm sweating from the heat not from my shit workout. I go to the hypno thing, lots of people, I'm not in the mood, I sit still and relax into it. I'm fine now. We lay down, we get hypnotised, something in my stomach tweaks. It feels familiar, but not in a good way....I rush off becasue I was going to cry. Tough Liz stops it, makes like a deamon on her scooter,, goes home and makes the yummiest green smoothie. She tries to sleep, she cant, she writes this with really bad grammar and punctuation. She doesnt care! Ego spew is over...

stickY

enough said really...

But is it? Or is just part of that conditioning we often joke about. I'm putting all the money I don't have right now on this! 

Uncharted territory is intimidating right?...do you not go there because of past beliefs or do you not go there because of fear?

Fear of pleasure, Fear of the unknown or unexplainable Fear?

A spiritual dichotomy

We learn so much about our mind and how to keep it under control, or lets say bring it to a place of 'calm' when it gets out of control. ...especially when that little conditioned, stubborn, rude, outspoken pain in the ass gets going and takes command. We want silence, we want it to stop. 

We teach ourselves how to unlearn everything we have learnt so we can relearn and see things differently. That is, de-condition the conditioning. Then only to then learn the application of the 'spiritual dichotomy' is in fact real and a  necessary evil if we are to live in this ideal of 'flow' and appreciate all the beauty of life in each moment.

But then...you meet an opponent. A roadblock, an obstacle but for the intellectuals we are you already know it's a lesson. Is it a lesson you want to learn? probably not, is it a lesson you need learn? I'm guessing so. Otherwise we may not both be here right now. What is the lesson? the practice of the application. To apply and practice that so called 'moment' we 'should, could and would' live in if that little pain in the ass didn't get going again. So now you meet someone that challenges you and just destroys all your conditioning and forces you to be in the moment. (well politely asking)....

Hmmmm Sticky!

Daily Ego Discoveries

'Liz'instein

hello consciousness, hello ego, hello world....So today I discovered something totally new and profound about me, myself and I. Yep...you truly do learn something everyday, even if its not as intellectual as the theory of 'general relativity'. But nevertheless being your own Einstein is all there is...right?

Well little miss independent thought she was totally on track and able to sort out her own shit...that I may have been...but if your sorting through the wrong crap then its not really relevant. I mean, I can't really say that because all roads lead to nowhere, so I guess I had to start on this route in order to find the other route. Ahhh M Scott Peck. I get it now...."The road less traveled". I'm a little slow I know, but GEEEZE was it 12 years ago I read this? and only now a light bulb flickers.... :) Definitely a spiritual journey, but sometimes (pretty much always) what your looking for is never on the shelf in front of you staring you in the face. It's the nooks and crannies that stuff hides, deep in the darkness where no one knows to look or wants to look for that matter (feel).

But on the upside with all the equipment, resilience and stillness you have accumulated along the way you are better equipped to handle the darkness, the deep stuff awaiting to be found and brought to the surface. So, maybe the common 'traveled' route was necessary at the time and then when you are ready the signs appear for more uncommon terrain appear and the mind will be ready to travel the road less traveled.

"My Forte"....Riddles! Riddles I speak, because cryptic it is. Nothing it seems, is what it seems. The ego creates diversions to protect itself from being found out, from being annihilated being conquered. Why? to perhaps have its way with you. But... all it simply craves is your attention. So bringing it to your attention and nurturing it and being one with it, allows it simply to exist in your awareness. 'Just exist'. But the difference is, it has no control over you. As Maggie would put it, it serves us, not 'us' serving it.

...and this is today lesson.

living with presence

Its so easy to get caught up in your thoughts and all the trivialities of life. Where you have to be, who you have meet, what you have to do, how you could of done something differently, why you didn't do this instead of that, the list goes on and on and on.

Since I started my travels in September last year and have since settled in Thailand...I was always in that mind space of, I need to do this, how can I do that if I do this blah blah blah. This caused me nothing but that feeling of loneliness, anxiety and of course frustration. With the world and with my self.

It wasn't until I stepped back and took a look at the bigger picture and looked at the facts. The facts were actually allot more promising than my internal monologue (the way I speak to myself). Nothing on this journey has indicated that my decisions and actions have been incorrect. Are they ever really incorrect? or is just a false perception of our own reality and purpose that leads us into believing we are not on the right path. Either way, everything has happened the way it should of happened and had to happen in order for me to reach this conclusion.

I am the person that wants everything to happen, last week. I dream of something and expect to wake up the next morning to find it there. But this journey is ongoing, presenting to us what we need to learn, when we need to learn it. No card we are dealt (no matter how shitty it is) is anything we can't play. We may have to, come up with another strategy or take a moment to evaluate the consequences, but trusting that the right out come will arise is trusting and believing in our own innate abilities. Knowing this through the ups and downs of our 'alternate head space days' is learning to live with the presence that always is.

Right now, in this moment, as I push these little letters on the keyboard to create words one by one to construct a post explaining the way I feel right now, I can now see how having patience and riding the incredible roller coaster of life is life. I am where I am because I am supposed to be.  Finally!

quick cement

The all important Cement Mixer

On days like today my preferred source of fuel is yes-o-yes Quick Cement. 

As I discovered on the 3rd April 2012, every 28 days I am allowed to feel like an emotional, volatile whimp. But today...I have no female cycle to blame or even a full moon. God Damn it!

I got pretty pissed off at this mornings workout because it really hurt to rest the olympic bar on my wrists, shoulders and collar bones while doing the front squat and this all escalated into what I was feeling approximately 1 hour ago. I stupidly updated facebook and said I was missing home, spoke to a very close friend. Chatted a bit and then realised that actually. I don't!

An FBee would be appropriate right about now but on the same note, I need to stay focused...cultivate this really bad crop of patience I have.

Hello book of life, here is a new virtue perhaps the rest of the world should cultivate "hurry the fuck up"! I have things to do and places to be. Thank you.

With much love and passive aggression.

Liz xo

what a ride...

The Incredible hulk roller coaster - Florida (What a RUSH!)

Seriously eh...I'm finally getting it (slow learner at times) but its not science fiction...you really do have to take the ups and downs and turn them around and know that they happen for a reason. Though it does feel pretty when you go through the 'shit' and come out the other side lighter and brighter :) and the light bulb comes on. What was all the negativity and self doubt for?

Side bar - I find it totally intriguing and very annoying, that the misfortune in our human conditioning is that we tend to take set backs so personally and get really shitty with our selves when things don't happen to expectations. I know that all the motivational theory encourages us to have positive internal monologue that suggests we push through these times and keep on keeping on. Motivational theory is fantastic and thank someone for it, but the question is, why is it there in the first place...? anyways... commentary for another blog at another time, I'm way to positive right now. Yew!

I'm guessing this leg of my journey has entirely been about being able to observe myself and recognising that frustrating feeling I get inside when things don't happen the way I want them to happen when I want and need them to happen.

The ultimate human virtue, "cultivating patience"... (How many times have I heard this?) with your self and with others and trusting that things happen if and when they should happen. I know it sounds all virtuous and stuff...but we all know its a hard rock to climb this cultivation process. It's like living in the desert and trying to grow vegetables at times. But 'apparently' with practice and with patience we do get there. In the case of these vegetables, maybe not so. But you get the drift :P

I cannot put into words right now, the energy that is buzzing through my body. So many opportunities and doors to open that excite, inspire and that therefore create more energy and opportunities. Its like, finally getting your veggie garden up and running (sustainably of course) and fertilising and nurturing your plants as if they were your thoughts and ideas. The creativity and flow happens naturally because you are in this positive space, fertilising and nurturing your self just as you would your Eco friendly garden that feeds you.

I'm sure your picking up what I'm putting down. Enough 'lovey dovey' bullshit. I'm finally starting to get it and it feels good!...

it really is...

...a journey of emotions. I should know better than to write on days like this, but its days like this I really need to write. For my own recollection, It's always interesting to look back at what I write when I am in a head space like today.

Today I am thinking that I should go home. I have no money left and it feels like I am never ready physically and mentally for what I want to achieve. I feel totally negative and stuck in a rut in which only money will help solve the problem. Money doesn't bring happiness, but it sure as hell makes you stressed out when you don't have any.

Grrrr where to start, what to do, how to go about it? Today It all feels like a little too much!