When your mind is full is it not inevitable that either we stop the thoughts and sit in stillness or allow the physical response of emotion to spill elsewhere... Hello stomach, Hello heart.
I have made some desicions or taken some actions in the past few weeks that are not in alignment with 'me'. They seem to be the actions or familar feelings of my former self. A self that i did not like because it was not authentic and able to 'feel' i feel as heavy hearted now as i did then.
Am i resorting to old ways, because i am home? Have i not learnt anything? Did i forget my purpose? I feel thrown off my path and the light is dim. No directions, no compass, no voice. Just stillness and emotion overwhelming the space.
Time... Its all we have. We are either living or we are dying. Again, perspecctive is our choice. If we are to live it, does that not mean spend our life the way we want and who we choose or to die... Well then get high, get on it, get fucked up.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
Two Minds
It must be those 2 voices sounding off again. One of logic, stability and adulthood and the other a creative artist waiting to explode with love, freedom, passion and the opportunity to set off on the next journey.
While it has only been 4 weeks since my return to my roots, Sydney...I have some many options, opportunities and potential to create something stable for my self. Though there is an equal part of me that wants nothing more than to be free.
But I am free right? but it seems that the lifestyle that I want to live and the career path that I have chosen are not succinct. In other words (God damn it) you cannot have your cake and eat it too! Why not?
So while a few things have come my way and fallen into place, I have made no concrete decision that effect the ejector seat button if I so desire to press it. A mobile phone contract and a gym membership are the least of worries.
The decision to take on full time study however is slowly nawing away at me and I am going to give this some serious thought, maybe a little hike to the mountains or a day at the beach to really feel what it is I want to do. I now know I am that point of which I need to specialise in something. Something to immerse myself and my energy that will deliver a given output. Its been a while...and my brain absolutely has the capability to do so, in fact it can do anything I fully invest myself into. Hmmmm maybe commitment to a degree for me, is just the commitment I am looking for? I find out more tomorrow about the specifics of Full Time Chinese Medicine Degree...holy shit. Even writing it feels different.
Travel or Study...those are the two minds! or Be free or Not be free. hmmmmmm
While it has only been 4 weeks since my return to my roots, Sydney...I have some many options, opportunities and potential to create something stable for my self. Though there is an equal part of me that wants nothing more than to be free.
But I am free right? but it seems that the lifestyle that I want to live and the career path that I have chosen are not succinct. In other words (God damn it) you cannot have your cake and eat it too! Why not?
So while a few things have come my way and fallen into place, I have made no concrete decision that effect the ejector seat button if I so desire to press it. A mobile phone contract and a gym membership are the least of worries.
The decision to take on full time study however is slowly nawing away at me and I am going to give this some serious thought, maybe a little hike to the mountains or a day at the beach to really feel what it is I want to do. I now know I am that point of which I need to specialise in something. Something to immerse myself and my energy that will deliver a given output. Its been a while...and my brain absolutely has the capability to do so, in fact it can do anything I fully invest myself into. Hmmmm maybe commitment to a degree for me, is just the commitment I am looking for? I find out more tomorrow about the specifics of Full Time Chinese Medicine Degree...holy shit. Even writing it feels different.
Travel or Study...those are the two minds! or Be free or Not be free. hmmmmmm
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Helene
Just had to call it that because I know right now that it is about you. In a way, I hope you read this, but in another way, I also hope you don't.
Laying it on the line for ya sweet lady.
You already know that you were the person on my mind for a whole friggen year while I was traveling. While I had a fling here and there, generally you knew that I wasnt with anyone, and while its not fair to say that was because I was thinking of you. I cannot whole heartedly say that. As you also know I had my friend come over from Europe so that we could "see what things were". But it was also at this point that I freaked out because I thought what happens when I go home and I want to kiss Helene. While I DO know you believe me when I say that, you can also check with my friends.
You also know that you were the first person I saw when I got off my flight, besides Elise obviously. But when I saw you at your house, I was not sure how to feel. I mean, of course your my friend and I care for you and love who you are as your a funny, perverse and crude bitch just like I. The best part about us!
But when you said your ex-boy was back in town and you guys were "hanging out", I could definitely feel a physical response, like a nerve was hit or something. Nevertheless, it was at that exact point that I realised that what I was feeling was definitely real. More real than over hours of skype.
You may or may not know that the fist time I actually acknowledged and accepted these feelings were more than a mere girl crush over the hot bar chick at work was that night playing scrabble at yours and you let me use my own vocab and still kicked my ass! About a week before I left...and everyday since I left I could pretty much say that you were on my mind at least once a day, if not more. Psychotic....yes I do realise. But there you have it!
So, after last Tuesday night...you and I both know...LOL you had me!
But you can also imagine that everyday since last Tuesday my head or shall we say the monkey in my head has being going ape shit with all sorts of fantasies, crazy ideas, futuristic plans, fears and doubts. Like a quaint little rainbow of emotions. The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.
But because I am who I am and nothing seems to meet the eye, I simply feel lost in this or in fear of this. I am not quite sure. I have even gone so far as checked our friggen star sign compatability to see if we are compatible. I already knew we were, but if I might just add the cooky flavour of me....its written in the stars. We're good for a long time!
Anyways lady, you may never read this and be totally turned off if you do but its how I roll and its the risk I am prepared to take to express myself to someone like you.
I am not sure why you would want to be with me. Please know that this is not my insecurity talking or maybe it is. But I am pretty intense, passionate, driven and just an all round lover and giver to who I am with (oh yeah in more ways than one, please allow your mind to park in the gutter...rear to curb please). You on the other hand right now seem to want playfulness and are uncertain about who you want to be with and what you want by way of play, flow or commitment.
I am not judging any of it...whats important is that you are happy with what ever decision you make. I guess all I am saying is that I want you and I am not sure how good I am at sharing. Who I am is all I am and if I am to share that it is to be with one person.
I was unsure about this monogmy thing for a while and having learnt allot about me, I know that this is what I want.
I might just add here, the things that hold me so captivated by you is your seemingly hard exterior and yet your soft mushy and complex interior. You have an open mind, a colourful mind and a wonderfully perverse mind. Your grasp on the English language excites me...like a 'word'smith if you will, you listen to and absorb all my endless thoughts and jitter. But more importantly the more I get to know you, the more I want to know. I feel that we could have allot of fun and adventures together and you would be pretty rad to travel with, if that was your dream...and less importantly but my fucking luck you are just FUCKIN SEXY!
Once again the time has come to press a button...like pressing send on that fuckin long text I sent, I am about to press publish... what are you doing to me, it seems I am breaking down all barriers for you!...but I like the philosophy of... Better out than in!
Laying it on the line for ya sweet lady.
You already know that you were the person on my mind for a whole friggen year while I was traveling. While I had a fling here and there, generally you knew that I wasnt with anyone, and while its not fair to say that was because I was thinking of you. I cannot whole heartedly say that. As you also know I had my friend come over from Europe so that we could "see what things were". But it was also at this point that I freaked out because I thought what happens when I go home and I want to kiss Helene. While I DO know you believe me when I say that, you can also check with my friends.
You also know that you were the first person I saw when I got off my flight, besides Elise obviously. But when I saw you at your house, I was not sure how to feel. I mean, of course your my friend and I care for you and love who you are as your a funny, perverse and crude bitch just like I. The best part about us!
But when you said your ex-boy was back in town and you guys were "hanging out", I could definitely feel a physical response, like a nerve was hit or something. Nevertheless, it was at that exact point that I realised that what I was feeling was definitely real. More real than over hours of skype.
You may or may not know that the fist time I actually acknowledged and accepted these feelings were more than a mere girl crush over the hot bar chick at work was that night playing scrabble at yours and you let me use my own vocab and still kicked my ass! About a week before I left...and everyday since I left I could pretty much say that you were on my mind at least once a day, if not more. Psychotic....yes I do realise. But there you have it!
So, after last Tuesday night...you and I both know...LOL you had me!
But you can also imagine that everyday since last Tuesday my head or shall we say the monkey in my head has being going ape shit with all sorts of fantasies, crazy ideas, futuristic plans, fears and doubts. Like a quaint little rainbow of emotions. The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.
But because I am who I am and nothing seems to meet the eye, I simply feel lost in this or in fear of this. I am not quite sure. I have even gone so far as checked our friggen star sign compatability to see if we are compatible. I already knew we were, but if I might just add the cooky flavour of me....its written in the stars. We're good for a long time!
Anyways lady, you may never read this and be totally turned off if you do but its how I roll and its the risk I am prepared to take to express myself to someone like you.
I am not sure why you would want to be with me. Please know that this is not my insecurity talking or maybe it is. But I am pretty intense, passionate, driven and just an all round lover and giver to who I am with (oh yeah in more ways than one, please allow your mind to park in the gutter...rear to curb please). You on the other hand right now seem to want playfulness and are uncertain about who you want to be with and what you want by way of play, flow or commitment.
I am not judging any of it...whats important is that you are happy with what ever decision you make. I guess all I am saying is that I want you and I am not sure how good I am at sharing. Who I am is all I am and if I am to share that it is to be with one person.
I was unsure about this monogmy thing for a while and having learnt allot about me, I know that this is what I want.
I might just add here, the things that hold me so captivated by you is your seemingly hard exterior and yet your soft mushy and complex interior. You have an open mind, a colourful mind and a wonderfully perverse mind. Your grasp on the English language excites me...like a 'word'smith if you will, you listen to and absorb all my endless thoughts and jitter. But more importantly the more I get to know you, the more I want to know. I feel that we could have allot of fun and adventures together and you would be pretty rad to travel with, if that was your dream...and less importantly but my fucking luck you are just FUCKIN SEXY!
Once again the time has come to press a button...like pressing send on that fuckin long text I sent, I am about to press publish... what are you doing to me, it seems I am breaking down all barriers for you!...but I like the philosophy of... Better out than in!
Commitment
Ahhhh the C word that resonates the least in my sphere of understanding. The cerebral cortex in this area is neither black, white nor grey, I truly believe it was erased through my youth through bad experiences, disappointment and heart break. I actually believe it could be transparent or some what similar in nature to the black hole....yeah thats right...that part of the solar system that gravity does not allow anything to escape. Not even light, hence why its black!
Hmmmmm how did I get black hole and commitment into the one paragraph? I know...because its me and my mind does crazy shit...blame the monkey.
But if you think about it. If commitment lived in this black hole, my head, and through past experiences and conditioning, the dark hole, gravity (fear) is actually keeping me from allowing the light to escape. Love and Trust!
Wow, science can and does answer the metaphysical...So back to the topic of commitment...
I definitely know that I can and will make the commitment to something if I know its the right commitment, thats why its a commitment isn't it? You commit to what feels right to you.
Relationship: This is the only time that games are not fun! Tell me what you want? If its not in alignment with me then its probably not going to flow or be organic. To flow in an encounter or a situation you both have to want similar things or be in the same place, if not...its just a head fuck. Anything that is wishy washy is far to difficult for this monkey (skating toward the black hole of no commitment). While going with the flow and organics is what I am all about...If the flow is not natural and comes with the insatiable consumption of vital head space that fills with doubt, insecurity and fear, then wtf.
Mobile Phone Contracts: This is just straight up bullshit. Why 2 years for a communication device. Is that not slightly deluded...extreme my attitude may be, but really, 24 months? If I was held hostage by the simplicity of an iphone maybe I could branch out...
A Job: I have accepted that employment is not my forte. I am far better at doing my own thing...but to be feeling like this at this point in time has me questioning.
Life: This I certainly can commit to. As a citizen of life I promise to keep pursining dreams and achieving goals. My solem dedication to my human existence, my higher self and of course the big ol' crazy universe. Or put simply; I will never give up the commitment to make a commitment. Ahhhh thats a bit cute, my first sign of commitment.
Hmmmmm how did I get black hole and commitment into the one paragraph? I know...because its me and my mind does crazy shit...blame the monkey.
But if you think about it. If commitment lived in this black hole, my head, and through past experiences and conditioning, the dark hole, gravity (fear) is actually keeping me from allowing the light to escape. Love and Trust!
Wow, science can and does answer the metaphysical...So back to the topic of commitment...
I definitely know that I can and will make the commitment to something if I know its the right commitment, thats why its a commitment isn't it? You commit to what feels right to you.
Relationship: This is the only time that games are not fun! Tell me what you want? If its not in alignment with me then its probably not going to flow or be organic. To flow in an encounter or a situation you both have to want similar things or be in the same place, if not...its just a head fuck. Anything that is wishy washy is far to difficult for this monkey (skating toward the black hole of no commitment). While going with the flow and organics is what I am all about...If the flow is not natural and comes with the insatiable consumption of vital head space that fills with doubt, insecurity and fear, then wtf.
Mobile Phone Contracts: This is just straight up bullshit. Why 2 years for a communication device. Is that not slightly deluded...extreme my attitude may be, but really, 24 months? If I was held hostage by the simplicity of an iphone maybe I could branch out...
A Job: I have accepted that employment is not my forte. I am far better at doing my own thing...but to be feeling like this at this point in time has me questioning.
Life: This I certainly can commit to. As a citizen of life I promise to keep pursining dreams and achieving goals. My solem dedication to my human existence, my higher self and of course the big ol' crazy universe. Or put simply; I will never give up the commitment to make a commitment. Ahhhh thats a bit cute, my first sign of commitment.
Taming the Monkey
Taming the monkey is the term used frequently in Buddhism, Meditation and just generally on the spiritual path.
If you think about a monkeys behaviour it is immediately apparent that they are all over the shop, can't sit still or do any one thing for too long before they are distracted by something else.
At times the mind or for the sake of my own blog, shall I say my mind gets a little loose. I have spent the greater part of this year in my own company observing this and slowly learning how to discipline myself when things get a little hectic upstairs.
I have been in Sydney now for just over 3 weeks and I feel like the monkey has escaped its cage. While I feel more grounded in familiar surroundings and am able to train as I like, when I like...the most important thing in my life. I feel that the energy is totally scattered and as a result it is leaking in all directions, none of which feel right.
I am calling it P.T.D. Post Travel Depression / Distress!
I am not sure where to start...so am gonna workshop it right here!
Obviously an income would be beneficial, but where from. Everything I want or think I could do and have therefore applied to is not returning a favourable response if at all. Which leads me to believe, that this would not be a suitable path. OK fine. I can handle that.
So then what? am I supposed to create groups and t-shirts and hope that things build up quick enough to create an income that then allows me a) to buy a car and b) move back into the city...but then, all of this requires a total commitment to staying here in Sydney for an unknown period.
Well thats not so bad...Sydney is fab for the time being, family, friends, familiarity. Sounds like a good deal. But to not be out there traveling does not sound like fun! Someone to travel with on a permanent basis would be fucking ideal but not everyone is on the same path or as nomadic as I am or can handle the instability like I do. (Though it may not sound like that right now)....I am actually sweet about who I am (Soham). But...all this travel makes it hard to meet and really develop anything long lasting and sustainable.
The other option is, do anything that gets me money to get me through to the end of the year at which time it will christmas and all the fun stuff and then throw myself into 4 years of study. Eeeek commitment...this will be the next post as this is a whole other subject inextricably linked to this monkey mind of mine right now...FUCK could commitment be the answer to this wild animalistic monkey of mine palying acrobatics in my head?
If you think about a monkeys behaviour it is immediately apparent that they are all over the shop, can't sit still or do any one thing for too long before they are distracted by something else.
At times the mind or for the sake of my own blog, shall I say my mind gets a little loose. I have spent the greater part of this year in my own company observing this and slowly learning how to discipline myself when things get a little hectic upstairs.
I have been in Sydney now for just over 3 weeks and I feel like the monkey has escaped its cage. While I feel more grounded in familiar surroundings and am able to train as I like, when I like...the most important thing in my life. I feel that the energy is totally scattered and as a result it is leaking in all directions, none of which feel right.
I am calling it P.T.D. Post Travel Depression / Distress!
I am not sure where to start...so am gonna workshop it right here!
Obviously an income would be beneficial, but where from. Everything I want or think I could do and have therefore applied to is not returning a favourable response if at all. Which leads me to believe, that this would not be a suitable path. OK fine. I can handle that.
So then what? am I supposed to create groups and t-shirts and hope that things build up quick enough to create an income that then allows me a) to buy a car and b) move back into the city...but then, all of this requires a total commitment to staying here in Sydney for an unknown period.
Well thats not so bad...Sydney is fab for the time being, family, friends, familiarity. Sounds like a good deal. But to not be out there traveling does not sound like fun! Someone to travel with on a permanent basis would be fucking ideal but not everyone is on the same path or as nomadic as I am or can handle the instability like I do. (Though it may not sound like that right now)....I am actually sweet about who I am (Soham). But...all this travel makes it hard to meet and really develop anything long lasting and sustainable.
The other option is, do anything that gets me money to get me through to the end of the year at which time it will christmas and all the fun stuff and then throw myself into 4 years of study. Eeeek commitment...this will be the next post as this is a whole other subject inextricably linked to this monkey mind of mine right now...FUCK could commitment be the answer to this wild animalistic monkey of mine palying acrobatics in my head?
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