I am feeling a deep sense of confusion about what is really going on inside me at the moment. It seems that two voices of the true me and 'social', 'false' me (who I thought I was) have collided. They can no longer hide from each other.
It is the time of confrontation. Deciphering years of bullshit ego and reflecting upon mistakes or decisions that have led me to the point of where I am right now.
By no means can I complain about my external world right now. I'm in a secluded bungalow with beach, rocks and the sound of waves crashing all day. What more could you want right? The external certainly does not feel like the problem. I could say here that environmental and logistical conditions and finally acheived perfection. So why the inner discontent?...
Who am I? and Why am I here?...
Great, seems like the old adage of "back to the drawing board". I could say here, that 10 years ago I was less tainted by life or I could say that I now sit here 10 years wiser. I'm not sure which is the more glorious. Surely the latter would enable us to make decisions with clarity and expertise. But its not an expert that we need here is it. Apparently its reconnecting to the less tainted self and view of life and being guided to the innate wisdom within that has and always will be there.
I am tired of running, I am tired of playing ignorant, I am tired of trying to be someone who perhaps never really was me. Right now I have no answers, as everything I seem to do no longer has an impact on my sense of self. The words null and void spring to mind when I think of these feelings. I now this is not permanent and it will only be a matter of time before something shifts and I am guided.
Perhaps this is exactly what it is.
My opportunity to be raw, vulnerable, null and let whatever is happening inside to take place with out judgement and just be with it.
It is the time of confrontation. Deciphering years of bullshit ego and reflecting upon mistakes or decisions that have led me to the point of where I am right now.
By no means can I complain about my external world right now. I'm in a secluded bungalow with beach, rocks and the sound of waves crashing all day. What more could you want right? The external certainly does not feel like the problem. I could say here that environmental and logistical conditions and finally acheived perfection. So why the inner discontent?...
Who am I? and Why am I here?...
Great, seems like the old adage of "back to the drawing board". I could say here, that 10 years ago I was less tainted by life or I could say that I now sit here 10 years wiser. I'm not sure which is the more glorious. Surely the latter would enable us to make decisions with clarity and expertise. But its not an expert that we need here is it. Apparently its reconnecting to the less tainted self and view of life and being guided to the innate wisdom within that has and always will be there.
I am tired of running, I am tired of playing ignorant, I am tired of trying to be someone who perhaps never really was me. Right now I have no answers, as everything I seem to do no longer has an impact on my sense of self. The words null and void spring to mind when I think of these feelings. I now this is not permanent and it will only be a matter of time before something shifts and I am guided.
Perhaps this is exactly what it is.
My opportunity to be raw, vulnerable, null and let whatever is happening inside to take place with out judgement and just be with it.
No comments:
Post a Comment