Take Some Space

Sometimes there is nothing like space from people and places to give you greater insight into your truth. 

My time here in Chiang Mai, has been the biggest (third) eye opener ever. It has been more than I could of ever thought possible by way self healing, self nurturing and the cultivating of self awareness. 

But there comes a time in all of this; lets call it 'stuff', that it is to reach a point when you decide to move forward. A time to take the teachings into the heart and apply them.

It has crossed my mind that perhaps I am running away once again from stability and allowing myself to be recongnised for me and my work. But honestly, I don't feel that this is it for me. I'm still in search of what  is, but aren't we all, most of the time. The difference now is that I am able to realise and move on. Is this a good thing? I am not quite sure. 

All I know is, that I am excited about creating space for my self by relocating to an island for inspiration. Hello Koh Phangan!

Mr Universe

I'm in your hands!

Am I being ignorant to what the universe is telling me right now. Do I need to go home earn real money (AUDees) and then decide? 

If I am the right path the universe would provide, but every day it seems the universe continues to take away from me. I'm not jumping up and down or crying about the discrepancy of financial abundance right now, though the day of darkness 2 days ago along with self destruction would indicate otherwise.

Here is my intention Mr universe

"just so 'we' (you and I) are both clear I am writing my intention and pressing publish so that it can be sent in to material cyberspace and be released from my cerebral cortex". i.e the sheet of neural tissue that is outermost to the cerebrum of the mammalian brain.

I am due to leave Chiang Mai by the end of the week and head to Koh Phangan. When I arrive at this destination I will have 2 weeks to write and complete 2 of my e-books as well as contemplate new ideas and conceptualise. In the middle of the month I have a week long retreat which I very much look forward to and 3 days post retreat I have a flight to meet with my wonderful mother (mumma) in her mother land the Philippines.

But let me explicitly express Dear Mr universe, that I remain totally open to what destiny may bring.

I reiterate: I trust, I accept I surrender completely. 

Happy Sunday.

A link: http://kissesandchaos.com/2011/06/12/trust-the-universe-it-knows-things/

I surrender

destination unknown

It feels like I have moved through the darkest part of the moment. Each new moment offers its own unique perspective, but some moments inflict a pain so hard to ignore that you become slave to its mechanics and have to trust that you will come out the other side wiser and stronger.

If we are to talk mechanics, it is not about understanding how things work, or being bogged down by the contents of the process. It is about trusting the greatest source in existence, the universe. This source  exists in order to keep us on track, remind us when we are misguided and ultimately lead us towards our higher purpose.

Yesterday I was taken over by the fear. I yielded little trust in what is and was held captive to a rampage of self-sabotage and abuse. I would treat no other human being like this, except of course…yours sincerely.

I was going to say 'we', but I can only speak for myself when I say this. “I” have a tendency toward juvenile behaviour of destructiveness because I have set expectations so high and possibly beyond my understanding of what is capable or meant for me right now. 

I was once told that -  “I am my own worst enemy”…but aren’t 'we' all at times.

After a drunken binge, I wake up feeling heavy and disastrous. I feel greatful for the people that were by my virtual side (skype) allowing me to be me, and creating a safe space for me to self -destruct. Though I have sincere gratitude, by no means do I feel resolution or inner calm.

Today, I spend the day, once again in my apartment and in my own company (which I am becoming quite good at) reflecting. Asking questions like...

What is it that you desire Elizabeth? What makes you tick? What makes you happy? What do you want? What are you looking for?

The hypothesis remains a big 'phat' question mark. All I know is that if I am to retreat and press pause on this journey to truth I will be a very unhappy sentient being. 

The last 6 months of ego de-condtioning and purging old emotion has shown me the light. Though it is still in the distance, at least now it is in my vision and more often that not I am showered by its love.

Though a solution would be ideal especially in this moment of uncertainty, I think the only thing left to do it surrender.

Surrender to what is – as is and therefore what will be – will be.

ok, have your way with me...

The polarity

3 days, and nothing is feeling better!!!...WTF

"Come on essential self, speak up". I cannot hear you over all of this destructive behaviour. Croissants is not what you really want, nor a pack of cigarettes a day, or no exercise or no sleeping pills. It cannot be. This is simply ridiculous behaviour. Do you want to stay in your little hermit hole? What the fuck is it that you want??? Silence? Stillness? More writing? Endless Inner Turbulance? Please communicate with me!!!. You are feeling like a terrible lover incapable of expressing what it is they need or want. Feeling sorry for yourself, playing victim and all these mind games, this is the behaviour of not even a child.

If being alone and being still is what you need, then you can have it. I am physically drained of all feelings right now, so do what you need. I will be gentle and maintain patience.

"Liz, be o.k with these feeling right now darling. This is no time to make decisions or take action. You know that in this darkness, clarity will come. Retaliation and anger will only make it harder and more painful. Listen to how you feel. If you feel that being depressed, alone and quiet is what you need. Then be with that. It is perfectly fine".

roll the dice

when all else fails...

I've always considered myself to be a good decision maker. Well, actually that's a lie. A good decision maker, makes decision based on the 'knowing' of what he / she wants and needs based on an inner guidance of intuition and wisdom. So this is perhaps why I 'thought' I was a good decision maker. This week, today, this moment I am far from being a decision maker as I feel totally null and void to my intuition and higher purpose.

Whilst I know that the higher purpose of my human existence is to be free from the conditioning and restraints of the mind in order to serve others, now and in the next life. Today, It seems I am of service to my ego and conditioning and all I have is this blog to find some inner and peace and clarity and be the observer.

Thus far, it does not matter what decision I make, they all seem to be out of necessity rather than from desire. Or wait. Holy Shit! Desire according to Buddhist philosophy is the cause of suffering. Shit! is this key...if we don't 'need' anything, besides our basic physiological needs then in this moment, I am o.k.

City of Healing

Tree of Life

Up until now, and I'm sure such as life, if you have been reading any of this blog you will learn and already possibly know that life is a journey, just like a traveler setting out on a world adventure. 

Sounds like an obvious statement, and it may well be, but fact of the matter is that without the colours, smells and stimulation of our senses travel would be meaningless and pointless. Just like life we need our existence to experience the ups and downs in order to get on our true path and find our 'flow'.

I moved to Thailand in January 2012 for no other reason other than that my soul feels welcome here as if it had lived here before. I stayed in Pai for 2 months to chill and to possibly align my business plans with my head.

In March 2012, I decided to venture into Chiang Mai, rent an apartment and implement my plans. To my surprise, this has come with much struggle, emotion, pain and suffering. I am totally broke and at the same time driven to pursue my plans.

I fall into a group of women that have and are on a similar journey. While the milestones and the age gaps may be different, in essence it is one and the same. They are my future, I am their past and being here in Chiang Mai, we meet in the middle.

In spending time with these women I have learnt so much about my self, my work and how struggle and pain is necessary in order to shift from that of a child to that of an adult. I am not saying here that this process is close to complete. All I would like to identify is that I do understand and I am getting it.

When I said earlier that I wanted to align my business with my head, this was the fundamental flaw. To truly honour your inner desires and innate gifts you must align this with your infinite self. What we desire is a result of our conditioning, beliefs and values showered upon us through the past. The past is the past and the now, though it may be a result of the past is not significant to how things unfold in the future.

Complex statements, yes I know. But with experience it becomes apparent that as we evolve and shift consciously, you will see that the secret to life is not what we want or how we get it. It is how we are despite what we have. Abundance or lack thereof we must learn to observe without judgement.

How does this help or have relevance to my life?

I can only speak for me of course, and in doing so while writing this post. I feel that the true response for me is that observation of the mind and its reactions to the perceived reality created with in itself is the nature of learning about your true self.

I still have moments whereby I react with emotion to my present situation. What holds me strong and allows to write posts such as this is - knowing. Knowing is an awareness. Awareness is consciousness. Consciousness is not about enlightenment, it is about being aware of what is at play...is the mind and ego or is it your true self calling out for attention. Being able to distinguish is like having no travel plans and being guided by what feels right independent of external forces.

7 of Diamonds

Dear Mumma,

Your the first person I could think to tell....Oh I miss telling you all the random crazy stuff so I thought I would write you this blog to add to my collection of randomness.

  

Incase you are wondering is why your daughter is like a bird and not suffering from mental illness (lol) here is total proof and evidence that "what is - is" and "the way things are, are the way they are supposed to and they way things are supposed to be is the way they are".

This morning the strangest thing happened to me here in Koh Phangan.

I was sitting on the balcony of my bungalow chillin' and I saw that there was one single playing card wedged in the sand, with its top half peeking out. For some reason (it was totally tempting and intriguing), I decided to go and pick it up. I thought....oooh I wonder what card it is, if its an "ACE" I'm a champ and ....this means good luck. hehhehe or it could be a joker, which is also good luck!

BUT NO....even more funny and random is that it was a 7 of Diamonds. (Big deal right!)....well yes....huge deal in my world or in my numerology chart should I say.

Life Path 7

So about 5 years ago here in Thailand I had my numerology reading done. As soon as I saw this, I remembered in an instant that 7 it is my life path number...and whats even 'weirder' per se is that it was a 7 of diamonds. 

Last week Maggie asked me to shine like a diamond - shine - shine - shine!

It was the strangest thing that has happened to me in a long time maybe ever actually.

Especially the fact that it was right out the front of my bungalow on the beach! ahh life is enchanting...not as random as I used to think.

I want to invite you to read the two links below...I know you love me and think I am a bird, but now you will understand a birds brain better.  I think you will understand more about me and perhaps the reason I am a free spirit. Not by choice, but by nature. If I am to stay still or do not explore the world I do not evolve, I become frustrated and stressed etc.

My life path is 7
http://seventhlifepath.com/numerology/life-path-number-7/

My Destiny / Expression number is 5
http://www.numerology-report.info/destiny-number-5.html

Oh how I miss our Sunday morning coffee at home talking for hours. I love you so much.

Movement in Stillness

Follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be. 

~ Joseph Cambell

We can all be a little gun hoe at times, pushing, pursuing, striving and reaching to get to our destination. Well as the old ‘us’ should right?, that’s how we achieved everything thus far. Then comes a fork in the road, a challenge so great, so unfamiliar that we have to call in the ‘big guns’. (The big guns refer to an intense experience that requires conscious attention and awareness).

Where on earth do I find something greater than what I am?  Then you finally reach a point where you realise that weapons of mass destruction, fuelled anger, impatience, violence, low self worth, past conditioning are no longer a viable substitute for the journey ahead.

Like a battle at war, it’s scary, it instills fear, you feel weak, vulnerable and undeniably clueless of your next step. You may as well put away the guns, for you will fight a losing battle and here they are a worthless resistance on this path to self-love and acceptance.

The fork in road represents that point in your life you no longer understand what you are doing or why you are doing it. Life is asking you to stop and check in. It is not necessarily a derailment it is simply a time of reflection, a time to tune into your infinite frequency of truth and inner wisdom.

Allowing your life to unfold is really about taking a step back at points you feel this resistance. Pushing and frustration do not apply here. It is the time to be still, to observe, to be free from judgement and surrender to what is. The true answer will only present at this time.

When you are no longer guided by your essence the universe has a funny way of showing us. I know of so many people that have stumbled across this fork and had a complete, lets say ‘crisis’, before they made the career shift into passion and have now set off in a direction they did not even dream of.

Sometimes it takes us a while to realise we had even checked out. We go through the motions to get us from A – B. Often doing things we think we should be doing in order to fulfil an expectation set for us or set by ourselves but having lost the initial purpose. Often in those moments I would find myself asking, “what am I doing, How did this happen? How did I get here? Why am I doing this again?”

Its at those points we need to ask ourselves the question, what do I really want to be doing? How do I want to spend my days? What drives me? What puts me in my flow, where time disappears and 5 minutes feels like an hour? What is my essence, what feels right in my body when I ask it these questions?

Unfortunately, no one has the answer. Only stillness and silence can provide the space, but it is with practice and subtlety that we acknowledge what feels right in our body and being present to what is to unfold.

I write to you of this because this is my experience. I am a 32-year-old personal trainer who has trained to push hard, battle, and leap over obstacles and run away when I don’t understand or don’t like something. But by nature I am a traveller, an adventurer, the seeker of truth.  So having realised this at the ripe old age of 32 my path has brought me to Thailand to explore this inner wisdom and find my truth.

In the midst of setting up and delivering what I ‘thought’ to be “the services I offered”, wellness and holistic lifestyle coaching. I stumble across a gigantic fork, perhaps my ego or perhaps the confrontation of its destruction. Which ever, I now know and can better distinguish that the resistance I felt was the true ‘me’ speaking up. It is finally being heard, being felt and it now wants to guide me.

Typically I freak out, I’m not sure I like what it means, “letting go” and surrendering to what is. But am I ready?

I say No, but the universe clearly says yes. So I lock my self in my apartment for 4 days in a one to one battle with my mind. Crying, struggling, feeling lonely, resisting the shift, moving in and out of stillness, entertaining the steady stream of purging emotions; fear, anger, giving up and just wanting to go home. Feeling totally lost and frustrated! After 3 days, I am exhausted.

I had no choice but to surrender in stillness. It would have been about 3-4 hours of meditation and breathing that on that Saturday afternoon I was able to tune in and be guided to the answer that felt right in my body.

This experience truly felt that is was the battle of my unconsciousness, intuition and inner wisdom. Finally coming head to head with where the universe dissolves in to my being. All I had to do here was nothing, just be still, feel, listen.

It is at this meeting point that I realised I could no longer run, no longer keep doing things unconsciously as the universe would of kept finding me and challenging my purpose until I really understood how and why.

Am I sure this is my essence?

The universe has communicated to me by depleting my bank account and leaving me in what us western folk would call, ‘high and dry’.  I am totally high on life (especially having felt and understood my purpose), but I am also almost broke.

But the key appears…here is why.

Now I only work from that place inside that feels right, I attract and draw people that are of a similar nature and path. While I want to share my work in the mainstream as it could serve so many others, perhaps they are not ready. It is not to say that this work is exclusive, but in a way it is. You have to be willing to do the work, and ready to discover what is waiting.

Watching life unfold is enchanting and humorous, when we think we are entering one door, it often slams shut, leaving us no choice to be present to the next one that opens. There is always another door if you are conscious to it, but to decide which one we go through is perhaps not really up to us.

This is where stillness, non-doing and complete surrender become our guide. Moving us through the door that takes us to our higher purpose.

Now that I have accepted this process, I feel a connection to the universe. Work is simply appearing and the really funny thing about it is, that they are clients and projects that I want to work on. Unlike the past I am not taking on projects or clients because I need money, as I know in the long run this becomes draining. Financial abundance and true freedom comes when you work in alignment to who you are.

6 Steps to realign with your inner wisdom :

If you are at a cross-roads or a point in your life where you feel your direction is unknown.

·       Take a step back or some time off work to have some time with your self

·       Stay calm, be still and be with your self, it is part of a greater process

·       Use breath work and meditation

·       Check in with your body and ask questions…see what feels right

·       You have all the answers with in, you just have to tune and trust your inner guru. Only you know what is best for you.

·       So be still and cultivate inner awareness

perceiving reality

Perception is the minds filter to the way we decipher 'our' reality. 

what do you see?

Perception is mutable and capricious. It changes over time and from moment to moment. 

Perception is one of those gifts we receive as gold member of this life. Though unfortunately it has been infiltrated with a long history of evolution and bullshit. Whilst evolution is a dynamic variable, it is our individual birth right to seek our personal truth. Not of the world at large, but to understand our inner world and how we seamlessly are part of a collective consciousness all in search of a similar experience. Inner peace, happiness and freedom. 

It soon becomes apparent that all this 'bullshit' has manifested in order for seekers to find truth. Only those of worthy Inquisition and preparedness to change the 'filter' of their reality to see through the illusion of what we were conditioned to believe.

We (mankind) started simple, but because we are so smart we created an environment for ourselves that has forced us to place value upon material objects and status quo that are outside of our 'be-ing' that if we were to go to the grave we may still lay their unfulfilled.

Yes this is my perception, as I am totally aware that there are people who have achieved much success, have an abundant source of cash flow and fancy possessions and simultaneously recognise and appreciate a fortunate human experience. I highly commend them without cynicism. In fact, I admire them. 

My point or question then is really for the rest of us in search of our own truth. 

How can we cleanse our filter? 

How do we recondition the conditioning of evolution to create a personal revolution?

To answer this with virtue would be out of integrity to my higher self as my filter is undergoing an extreme makeover and at times it feel like the 'grit' causes a blockage that completely distorts all perception.

The only virtue to be cultivated in this process is one of trust and patience.  

It is a large probability that perhaps I am writing this because 'MY' perceived reality is that of simplicity. But in order to come to this 'simple' conclusion, there is the complexity of understanding the mind and ascertaining how to distinguish between which filter is sieving the information.

Q. How would our life be if we did not have a filter of perception?

It would seem impossible to have this wonderful human experience with out a perceiving mind. But I suspect that the process of reconditioning is about being able to see through and change ones perception to then come to a place of non-judgement and acceptance.   

The nature of the mind is to think and therefore perceive. In this beginning-less continuum of thoughts we can at any point consciously make the choice to step in and practice the cultivation of awareness and therefore see through perception. 

The question then becomes, where do I start? and my answer to this chestnut is...in the present moment.

This present moment 'bollocks' can be a frustrating response at times, especially when the ego wants to dance and all we want to do is bitch and moan and tell our story (which is again, is our perception). But like anything we have a choice...we can dance and let our minds lead us unconsciously to the dance floor as if we were on ecstasy or we can dance like no body is watching (chemical free) and let our soul show us the right moves.  

The Wind

I finally made it safely to Koh Phagan.

After a day of darkness with fear overwhelming me yesterday,(almost consuming me) I packed my bag to head off in discovery of my first 'find your flow' retreat. We have no one booked, but we are hopeful that people will be attending the workshops.

So I’m laying in my Bungalow listening to the hum of the wind and the crashing of waves. I actually do feel really secluded where I am. So while this week is not about retreat success it is about experiencing and finding the flow for myself.

For the last 3 months in Chiang Mai, I have been doing the work. I need a break from it. I need time to digest and apply. I love my life, my world and me. Sometimes I feel that it is hard to accept what is and go with the flow of life and remember that everything is, the way it is supposed to be. But if I was to take a giant leap back and look at the journey in retrospect, I would see the flowering of a wonderful human being lucky for her human experience.

Since I was 14 I remember that I always wanted to do what Liz wanted to do. Though when I was 14 I was living under my parents roof, getting suspended and eventually expelled and blasting Metallica, not only to piss my parents off but because it resonated with the feelings of frustration I felt growing up.

Childhood is another story, but in no way shape or form did I have a bad up bringing. I have the most amazing wonderful and supportive parents anyone could have ever have found. Their journey was necessary for them as much as me becoming a part of their world was for mine. I wouldn’t change a thing.

If they supported me creatively and recognised the potential of this dynamic little creature that is 'I'. I could honestly say that I would not be who I am today.

Back to that…I still have trouble processing the characteristics of my being. But as time goes by, especially in the last 3 months of being here in Chiang Mai. It is presented to me everyday that I am good at my work and totally in love with it.

It feels a little obnoxious to say because I have never thought of what I do as anything special. Essentially I am a personal trainer who now practices yoga and meditates. But ultimately I am morphing my skills of emotional intelligence, compassion and wisdom and combining them with my skills of physical fitness, nutrition and body awareness in to a program that can be accessed by anybody.

This acknowledgement has come to me after a long travel nanna nap, waking up to the powerful sound of the wind and waves crashing right at my door step of my Bungalow in Koh Phangan. I’m right on the beach. (Check it out)…

....The minute I walk out into the wind, I feel that it shifts and carries all my old, stale and negative energy away. Replenishing me with brand new prana.

I have said to people before in times of distress and anxiety. Things need to happen this way and cause you this pain in order for you to stop and check in. But, its not the content of the process that matters, but the process it self. So what’s going on really doesn’t matter its how you manage your attitude and perception of it that will reflect real growth and progress. But its also not about the progress it’s about acceptance, acceptance of where you are right now.

Fear

Friend or Foe...

In the end it seems to be your friend, but when I rose this morning it certainly was my foe.

Shitting my pants about the delivery of my first retreat. The desire for perfection leaves me feeling lost, scared and confused.

Though I know what I am doing is what feels right... I still have fear.

My ego is seems to be searching for constant approval from others to reassure 'it' that I am on the right path or something like that.

All I know is I didn't enjoy the feelings today but I made it to the airport nevertheless. So I am locked in!

I slowly move from fear into love...