I surrender

destination unknown

It feels like I have moved through the darkest part of the moment. Each new moment offers its own unique perspective, but some moments inflict a pain so hard to ignore that you become slave to its mechanics and have to trust that you will come out the other side wiser and stronger.

If we are to talk mechanics, it is not about understanding how things work, or being bogged down by the contents of the process. It is about trusting the greatest source in existence, the universe. This source  exists in order to keep us on track, remind us when we are misguided and ultimately lead us towards our higher purpose.

Yesterday I was taken over by the fear. I yielded little trust in what is and was held captive to a rampage of self-sabotage and abuse. I would treat no other human being like this, except of course…yours sincerely.

I was going to say 'we', but I can only speak for myself when I say this. “I” have a tendency toward juvenile behaviour of destructiveness because I have set expectations so high and possibly beyond my understanding of what is capable or meant for me right now. 

I was once told that -  “I am my own worst enemy”…but aren’t 'we' all at times.

After a drunken binge, I wake up feeling heavy and disastrous. I feel greatful for the people that were by my virtual side (skype) allowing me to be me, and creating a safe space for me to self -destruct. Though I have sincere gratitude, by no means do I feel resolution or inner calm.

Today, I spend the day, once again in my apartment and in my own company (which I am becoming quite good at) reflecting. Asking questions like...

What is it that you desire Elizabeth? What makes you tick? What makes you happy? What do you want? What are you looking for?

The hypothesis remains a big 'phat' question mark. All I know is that if I am to retreat and press pause on this journey to truth I will be a very unhappy sentient being. 

The last 6 months of ego de-condtioning and purging old emotion has shown me the light. Though it is still in the distance, at least now it is in my vision and more often that not I am showered by its love.

Though a solution would be ideal especially in this moment of uncertainty, I think the only thing left to do it surrender.

Surrender to what is – as is and therefore what will be – will be.