When your mind is full is it not inevitable that either we stop the thoughts and sit in stillness or allow the physical response of emotion to spill elsewhere... Hello stomach, Hello heart.
I have made some desicions or taken some actions in the past few weeks that are not in alignment with 'me'. They seem to be the actions or familar feelings of my former self. A self that i did not like because it was not authentic and able to 'feel' i feel as heavy hearted now as i did then.
Am i resorting to old ways, because i am home? Have i not learnt anything? Did i forget my purpose? I feel thrown off my path and the light is dim. No directions, no compass, no voice. Just stillness and emotion overwhelming the space.
Time... Its all we have. We are either living or we are dying. Again, perspecctive is our choice. If we are to live it, does that not mean spend our life the way we want and who we choose or to die... Well then get high, get on it, get fucked up.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
Two Minds
It must be those 2 voices sounding off again. One of logic, stability and adulthood and the other a creative artist waiting to explode with love, freedom, passion and the opportunity to set off on the next journey.
While it has only been 4 weeks since my return to my roots, Sydney...I have some many options, opportunities and potential to create something stable for my self. Though there is an equal part of me that wants nothing more than to be free.
But I am free right? but it seems that the lifestyle that I want to live and the career path that I have chosen are not succinct. In other words (God damn it) you cannot have your cake and eat it too! Why not?
So while a few things have come my way and fallen into place, I have made no concrete decision that effect the ejector seat button if I so desire to press it. A mobile phone contract and a gym membership are the least of worries.
The decision to take on full time study however is slowly nawing away at me and I am going to give this some serious thought, maybe a little hike to the mountains or a day at the beach to really feel what it is I want to do. I now know I am that point of which I need to specialise in something. Something to immerse myself and my energy that will deliver a given output. Its been a while...and my brain absolutely has the capability to do so, in fact it can do anything I fully invest myself into. Hmmmm maybe commitment to a degree for me, is just the commitment I am looking for? I find out more tomorrow about the specifics of Full Time Chinese Medicine Degree...holy shit. Even writing it feels different.
Travel or Study...those are the two minds! or Be free or Not be free. hmmmmmm
While it has only been 4 weeks since my return to my roots, Sydney...I have some many options, opportunities and potential to create something stable for my self. Though there is an equal part of me that wants nothing more than to be free.
But I am free right? but it seems that the lifestyle that I want to live and the career path that I have chosen are not succinct. In other words (God damn it) you cannot have your cake and eat it too! Why not?
So while a few things have come my way and fallen into place, I have made no concrete decision that effect the ejector seat button if I so desire to press it. A mobile phone contract and a gym membership are the least of worries.
The decision to take on full time study however is slowly nawing away at me and I am going to give this some serious thought, maybe a little hike to the mountains or a day at the beach to really feel what it is I want to do. I now know I am that point of which I need to specialise in something. Something to immerse myself and my energy that will deliver a given output. Its been a while...and my brain absolutely has the capability to do so, in fact it can do anything I fully invest myself into. Hmmmm maybe commitment to a degree for me, is just the commitment I am looking for? I find out more tomorrow about the specifics of Full Time Chinese Medicine Degree...holy shit. Even writing it feels different.
Travel or Study...those are the two minds! or Be free or Not be free. hmmmmmm
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Helene
Just had to call it that because I know right now that it is about you. In a way, I hope you read this, but in another way, I also hope you don't.
Laying it on the line for ya sweet lady.
You already know that you were the person on my mind for a whole friggen year while I was traveling. While I had a fling here and there, generally you knew that I wasnt with anyone, and while its not fair to say that was because I was thinking of you. I cannot whole heartedly say that. As you also know I had my friend come over from Europe so that we could "see what things were". But it was also at this point that I freaked out because I thought what happens when I go home and I want to kiss Helene. While I DO know you believe me when I say that, you can also check with my friends.
You also know that you were the first person I saw when I got off my flight, besides Elise obviously. But when I saw you at your house, I was not sure how to feel. I mean, of course your my friend and I care for you and love who you are as your a funny, perverse and crude bitch just like I. The best part about us!
But when you said your ex-boy was back in town and you guys were "hanging out", I could definitely feel a physical response, like a nerve was hit or something. Nevertheless, it was at that exact point that I realised that what I was feeling was definitely real. More real than over hours of skype.
You may or may not know that the fist time I actually acknowledged and accepted these feelings were more than a mere girl crush over the hot bar chick at work was that night playing scrabble at yours and you let me use my own vocab and still kicked my ass! About a week before I left...and everyday since I left I could pretty much say that you were on my mind at least once a day, if not more. Psychotic....yes I do realise. But there you have it!
So, after last Tuesday night...you and I both know...LOL you had me!
But you can also imagine that everyday since last Tuesday my head or shall we say the monkey in my head has being going ape shit with all sorts of fantasies, crazy ideas, futuristic plans, fears and doubts. Like a quaint little rainbow of emotions. The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.
But because I am who I am and nothing seems to meet the eye, I simply feel lost in this or in fear of this. I am not quite sure. I have even gone so far as checked our friggen star sign compatability to see if we are compatible. I already knew we were, but if I might just add the cooky flavour of me....its written in the stars. We're good for a long time!
Anyways lady, you may never read this and be totally turned off if you do but its how I roll and its the risk I am prepared to take to express myself to someone like you.
I am not sure why you would want to be with me. Please know that this is not my insecurity talking or maybe it is. But I am pretty intense, passionate, driven and just an all round lover and giver to who I am with (oh yeah in more ways than one, please allow your mind to park in the gutter...rear to curb please). You on the other hand right now seem to want playfulness and are uncertain about who you want to be with and what you want by way of play, flow or commitment.
I am not judging any of it...whats important is that you are happy with what ever decision you make. I guess all I am saying is that I want you and I am not sure how good I am at sharing. Who I am is all I am and if I am to share that it is to be with one person.
I was unsure about this monogmy thing for a while and having learnt allot about me, I know that this is what I want.
I might just add here, the things that hold me so captivated by you is your seemingly hard exterior and yet your soft mushy and complex interior. You have an open mind, a colourful mind and a wonderfully perverse mind. Your grasp on the English language excites me...like a 'word'smith if you will, you listen to and absorb all my endless thoughts and jitter. But more importantly the more I get to know you, the more I want to know. I feel that we could have allot of fun and adventures together and you would be pretty rad to travel with, if that was your dream...and less importantly but my fucking luck you are just FUCKIN SEXY!
Once again the time has come to press a button...like pressing send on that fuckin long text I sent, I am about to press publish... what are you doing to me, it seems I am breaking down all barriers for you!...but I like the philosophy of... Better out than in!
Laying it on the line for ya sweet lady.
You already know that you were the person on my mind for a whole friggen year while I was traveling. While I had a fling here and there, generally you knew that I wasnt with anyone, and while its not fair to say that was because I was thinking of you. I cannot whole heartedly say that. As you also know I had my friend come over from Europe so that we could "see what things were". But it was also at this point that I freaked out because I thought what happens when I go home and I want to kiss Helene. While I DO know you believe me when I say that, you can also check with my friends.
You also know that you were the first person I saw when I got off my flight, besides Elise obviously. But when I saw you at your house, I was not sure how to feel. I mean, of course your my friend and I care for you and love who you are as your a funny, perverse and crude bitch just like I. The best part about us!
But when you said your ex-boy was back in town and you guys were "hanging out", I could definitely feel a physical response, like a nerve was hit or something. Nevertheless, it was at that exact point that I realised that what I was feeling was definitely real. More real than over hours of skype.
You may or may not know that the fist time I actually acknowledged and accepted these feelings were more than a mere girl crush over the hot bar chick at work was that night playing scrabble at yours and you let me use my own vocab and still kicked my ass! About a week before I left...and everyday since I left I could pretty much say that you were on my mind at least once a day, if not more. Psychotic....yes I do realise. But there you have it!
So, after last Tuesday night...you and I both know...LOL you had me!
But you can also imagine that everyday since last Tuesday my head or shall we say the monkey in my head has being going ape shit with all sorts of fantasies, crazy ideas, futuristic plans, fears and doubts. Like a quaint little rainbow of emotions. The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.
But because I am who I am and nothing seems to meet the eye, I simply feel lost in this or in fear of this. I am not quite sure. I have even gone so far as checked our friggen star sign compatability to see if we are compatible. I already knew we were, but if I might just add the cooky flavour of me....its written in the stars. We're good for a long time!
Anyways lady, you may never read this and be totally turned off if you do but its how I roll and its the risk I am prepared to take to express myself to someone like you.
I am not sure why you would want to be with me. Please know that this is not my insecurity talking or maybe it is. But I am pretty intense, passionate, driven and just an all round lover and giver to who I am with (oh yeah in more ways than one, please allow your mind to park in the gutter...rear to curb please). You on the other hand right now seem to want playfulness and are uncertain about who you want to be with and what you want by way of play, flow or commitment.
I am not judging any of it...whats important is that you are happy with what ever decision you make. I guess all I am saying is that I want you and I am not sure how good I am at sharing. Who I am is all I am and if I am to share that it is to be with one person.
I was unsure about this monogmy thing for a while and having learnt allot about me, I know that this is what I want.
I might just add here, the things that hold me so captivated by you is your seemingly hard exterior and yet your soft mushy and complex interior. You have an open mind, a colourful mind and a wonderfully perverse mind. Your grasp on the English language excites me...like a 'word'smith if you will, you listen to and absorb all my endless thoughts and jitter. But more importantly the more I get to know you, the more I want to know. I feel that we could have allot of fun and adventures together and you would be pretty rad to travel with, if that was your dream...and less importantly but my fucking luck you are just FUCKIN SEXY!
Once again the time has come to press a button...like pressing send on that fuckin long text I sent, I am about to press publish... what are you doing to me, it seems I am breaking down all barriers for you!...but I like the philosophy of... Better out than in!
Commitment
Ahhhh the C word that resonates the least in my sphere of understanding. The cerebral cortex in this area is neither black, white nor grey, I truly believe it was erased through my youth through bad experiences, disappointment and heart break. I actually believe it could be transparent or some what similar in nature to the black hole....yeah thats right...that part of the solar system that gravity does not allow anything to escape. Not even light, hence why its black!
Hmmmmm how did I get black hole and commitment into the one paragraph? I know...because its me and my mind does crazy shit...blame the monkey.
But if you think about it. If commitment lived in this black hole, my head, and through past experiences and conditioning, the dark hole, gravity (fear) is actually keeping me from allowing the light to escape. Love and Trust!
Wow, science can and does answer the metaphysical...So back to the topic of commitment...
I definitely know that I can and will make the commitment to something if I know its the right commitment, thats why its a commitment isn't it? You commit to what feels right to you.
Relationship: This is the only time that games are not fun! Tell me what you want? If its not in alignment with me then its probably not going to flow or be organic. To flow in an encounter or a situation you both have to want similar things or be in the same place, if not...its just a head fuck. Anything that is wishy washy is far to difficult for this monkey (skating toward the black hole of no commitment). While going with the flow and organics is what I am all about...If the flow is not natural and comes with the insatiable consumption of vital head space that fills with doubt, insecurity and fear, then wtf.
Mobile Phone Contracts: This is just straight up bullshit. Why 2 years for a communication device. Is that not slightly deluded...extreme my attitude may be, but really, 24 months? If I was held hostage by the simplicity of an iphone maybe I could branch out...
A Job: I have accepted that employment is not my forte. I am far better at doing my own thing...but to be feeling like this at this point in time has me questioning.
Life: This I certainly can commit to. As a citizen of life I promise to keep pursining dreams and achieving goals. My solem dedication to my human existence, my higher self and of course the big ol' crazy universe. Or put simply; I will never give up the commitment to make a commitment. Ahhhh thats a bit cute, my first sign of commitment.
Hmmmmm how did I get black hole and commitment into the one paragraph? I know...because its me and my mind does crazy shit...blame the monkey.
But if you think about it. If commitment lived in this black hole, my head, and through past experiences and conditioning, the dark hole, gravity (fear) is actually keeping me from allowing the light to escape. Love and Trust!
Wow, science can and does answer the metaphysical...So back to the topic of commitment...
I definitely know that I can and will make the commitment to something if I know its the right commitment, thats why its a commitment isn't it? You commit to what feels right to you.
Relationship: This is the only time that games are not fun! Tell me what you want? If its not in alignment with me then its probably not going to flow or be organic. To flow in an encounter or a situation you both have to want similar things or be in the same place, if not...its just a head fuck. Anything that is wishy washy is far to difficult for this monkey (skating toward the black hole of no commitment). While going with the flow and organics is what I am all about...If the flow is not natural and comes with the insatiable consumption of vital head space that fills with doubt, insecurity and fear, then wtf.
Mobile Phone Contracts: This is just straight up bullshit. Why 2 years for a communication device. Is that not slightly deluded...extreme my attitude may be, but really, 24 months? If I was held hostage by the simplicity of an iphone maybe I could branch out...
A Job: I have accepted that employment is not my forte. I am far better at doing my own thing...but to be feeling like this at this point in time has me questioning.
Life: This I certainly can commit to. As a citizen of life I promise to keep pursining dreams and achieving goals. My solem dedication to my human existence, my higher self and of course the big ol' crazy universe. Or put simply; I will never give up the commitment to make a commitment. Ahhhh thats a bit cute, my first sign of commitment.
Taming the Monkey
Taming the monkey is the term used frequently in Buddhism, Meditation and just generally on the spiritual path.
If you think about a monkeys behaviour it is immediately apparent that they are all over the shop, can't sit still or do any one thing for too long before they are distracted by something else.
At times the mind or for the sake of my own blog, shall I say my mind gets a little loose. I have spent the greater part of this year in my own company observing this and slowly learning how to discipline myself when things get a little hectic upstairs.
I have been in Sydney now for just over 3 weeks and I feel like the monkey has escaped its cage. While I feel more grounded in familiar surroundings and am able to train as I like, when I like...the most important thing in my life. I feel that the energy is totally scattered and as a result it is leaking in all directions, none of which feel right.
I am calling it P.T.D. Post Travel Depression / Distress!
I am not sure where to start...so am gonna workshop it right here!
Obviously an income would be beneficial, but where from. Everything I want or think I could do and have therefore applied to is not returning a favourable response if at all. Which leads me to believe, that this would not be a suitable path. OK fine. I can handle that.
So then what? am I supposed to create groups and t-shirts and hope that things build up quick enough to create an income that then allows me a) to buy a car and b) move back into the city...but then, all of this requires a total commitment to staying here in Sydney for an unknown period.
Well thats not so bad...Sydney is fab for the time being, family, friends, familiarity. Sounds like a good deal. But to not be out there traveling does not sound like fun! Someone to travel with on a permanent basis would be fucking ideal but not everyone is on the same path or as nomadic as I am or can handle the instability like I do. (Though it may not sound like that right now)....I am actually sweet about who I am (Soham). But...all this travel makes it hard to meet and really develop anything long lasting and sustainable.
The other option is, do anything that gets me money to get me through to the end of the year at which time it will christmas and all the fun stuff and then throw myself into 4 years of study. Eeeek commitment...this will be the next post as this is a whole other subject inextricably linked to this monkey mind of mine right now...FUCK could commitment be the answer to this wild animalistic monkey of mine palying acrobatics in my head?
If you think about a monkeys behaviour it is immediately apparent that they are all over the shop, can't sit still or do any one thing for too long before they are distracted by something else.
At times the mind or for the sake of my own blog, shall I say my mind gets a little loose. I have spent the greater part of this year in my own company observing this and slowly learning how to discipline myself when things get a little hectic upstairs.
I have been in Sydney now for just over 3 weeks and I feel like the monkey has escaped its cage. While I feel more grounded in familiar surroundings and am able to train as I like, when I like...the most important thing in my life. I feel that the energy is totally scattered and as a result it is leaking in all directions, none of which feel right.
I am calling it P.T.D. Post Travel Depression / Distress!
I am not sure where to start...so am gonna workshop it right here!
Obviously an income would be beneficial, but where from. Everything I want or think I could do and have therefore applied to is not returning a favourable response if at all. Which leads me to believe, that this would not be a suitable path. OK fine. I can handle that.
So then what? am I supposed to create groups and t-shirts and hope that things build up quick enough to create an income that then allows me a) to buy a car and b) move back into the city...but then, all of this requires a total commitment to staying here in Sydney for an unknown period.
Well thats not so bad...Sydney is fab for the time being, family, friends, familiarity. Sounds like a good deal. But to not be out there traveling does not sound like fun! Someone to travel with on a permanent basis would be fucking ideal but not everyone is on the same path or as nomadic as I am or can handle the instability like I do. (Though it may not sound like that right now)....I am actually sweet about who I am (Soham). But...all this travel makes it hard to meet and really develop anything long lasting and sustainable.
The other option is, do anything that gets me money to get me through to the end of the year at which time it will christmas and all the fun stuff and then throw myself into 4 years of study. Eeeek commitment...this will be the next post as this is a whole other subject inextricably linked to this monkey mind of mine right now...FUCK could commitment be the answer to this wild animalistic monkey of mine palying acrobatics in my head?
Thursday, August 30, 2012
The Unexpected...
I wrote a post once called expect the unexpected and once again this little pearl of wisdom continues to fulfill its legacy via the 'element of surprise'.
Life without expectations is a far more interesting way to live life and take it as it comes...
Something happened this week that is even greater and wilder than any fantasy I could conjure up in my mind. But for the sake of the internet I will not turn the blog into erotica...though I should, could, and would very much love to...I must state 'that a lady never tells'. But I am not really a lady....LOL
But this I can say, Lady - I am intrigued, captivated, curious and still in a mild state of shock...
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Train blogging
So just wanting to write my first blog via the blogger iphone app. Sitting on a train going to visit my dream lover!! Nah... But I really am :)
Anyways, still feeling great to be in Sydney, but had a moment today where the thought of actually looking for a job seems daunting.
PT - to do the training thing and be based in a gym actually makes me feel a lil ill to the stomach. They all want a one year commitment and Jesus Christ I'm the commit-o-phob from all hell. Nothing like sheer commitment to make a girl question her motives.
Whatever Work - the thought of whatever work actually sounds the most appealing because I can do casual and try and do some PT as well.
So many options but not feeling like i wanna do anything other than train my ass off right now! Literally :-/
I know whats supposed to happen will happen and will happen is supposed to happen but the more i am here the more i wanna do and its just a question of what i want to do.
Fuck me, I'm talking in circles!
Anyways, still feeling great to be in Sydney, but had a moment today where the thought of actually looking for a job seems daunting.
PT - to do the training thing and be based in a gym actually makes me feel a lil ill to the stomach. They all want a one year commitment and Jesus Christ I'm the commit-o-phob from all hell. Nothing like sheer commitment to make a girl question her motives.
Whatever Work - the thought of whatever work actually sounds the most appealing because I can do casual and try and do some PT as well.
So many options but not feeling like i wanna do anything other than train my ass off right now! Literally :-/
I know whats supposed to happen will happen and will happen is supposed to happen but the more i am here the more i wanna do and its just a question of what i want to do.
Fuck me, I'm talking in circles!
Friday, August 24, 2012
Home is where the heart is...
After almost a week at home I am feeling normalised, acclimatised and almost revitalised. I haven't caught up with too many peeps just as yet as I am really just trying to settle and find what feels right...
Home is always a good place to start...
I'm not sure what is to happen on the career front as I am torn once again between the idea of more travel and to study...my nerdy secret passion...information, knowledge and answers.
Here is the gist...
Why Travel?
Because I am young, no attachments, no children...pure and unadulterated freedom at my finger tips to do as I wish, how wish and when I wish...the gift of life really. I have two more continents that I just want to touch before I settle. I mean 100's of countries but I know and accept that you can't do it all in once life time...but you sure as hell can try!
Why Study?
Because I am the seeker of answers, the seeker of truth. My legislated destiny...to impart the knowledge upon others??? maybe! maybe not! But by studying Chinese Medicine I feel it will be the wrapping paper to the collection of knowledge I have accumulated, learned and experienced on this surreal experience of life!
Love...
It seems that I had allot of this ingredient early on in life; I was in and out of love like the weather. I got hurt, I hurt others, I let go, I moved on and since then and I have not been able to find someone worthy. A few candidates have appeared here and there and do hit the nail on the head but for whatever reason the cosmos and I are not vibrating on the same frequency to send me someone of the a similar capacity, consciousness or life level. While it is not an active search, I feel that if the part of me that wants to travel is greater than the part that wants to study I will always attract fly by relationships that are fulfilling in the present but not forever enduring. While being present and living moment to moment is nice...Love is also about being able to share your heart and mind with someone that continues to pursue their own dreams and life. I guess my fludity when it comes to life and love is not something that can be had by all. While I want the deep connection I still want the freedom...WOW! I sound bipolar at times...but answer me this...Is this a case of the chicken and the egg? or the rock and the hard place?
Anways...off to catch up with my boys and have some fun in Pyrmont. I love you Sydney, you always re-ground me! Give me 3 months and I know you will drive me up the wall.
Home is always a good place to start...
I'm not sure what is to happen on the career front as I am torn once again between the idea of more travel and to study...my nerdy secret passion...information, knowledge and answers.
Here is the gist...
Why Travel?
Because I am young, no attachments, no children...pure and unadulterated freedom at my finger tips to do as I wish, how wish and when I wish...the gift of life really. I have two more continents that I just want to touch before I settle. I mean 100's of countries but I know and accept that you can't do it all in once life time...but you sure as hell can try!
Why Study?
Because I am the seeker of answers, the seeker of truth. My legislated destiny...to impart the knowledge upon others??? maybe! maybe not! But by studying Chinese Medicine I feel it will be the wrapping paper to the collection of knowledge I have accumulated, learned and experienced on this surreal experience of life!
Love...
It seems that I had allot of this ingredient early on in life; I was in and out of love like the weather. I got hurt, I hurt others, I let go, I moved on and since then and I have not been able to find someone worthy. A few candidates have appeared here and there and do hit the nail on the head but for whatever reason the cosmos and I are not vibrating on the same frequency to send me someone of the a similar capacity, consciousness or life level. While it is not an active search, I feel that if the part of me that wants to travel is greater than the part that wants to study I will always attract fly by relationships that are fulfilling in the present but not forever enduring. While being present and living moment to moment is nice...Love is also about being able to share your heart and mind with someone that continues to pursue their own dreams and life. I guess my fludity when it comes to life and love is not something that can be had by all. While I want the deep connection I still want the freedom...WOW! I sound bipolar at times...but answer me this...Is this a case of the chicken and the egg? or the rock and the hard place?
Anways...off to catch up with my boys and have some fun in Pyrmont. I love you Sydney, you always re-ground me! Give me 3 months and I know you will drive me up the wall.
Monday, August 13, 2012
One more sleep...
hahaha like a little kid at christmas, I'm actually counting down the days till I get back home. The part of anticipation and excitement far out weighs the side of OMG living at at home with my parents...eeek!
Today, just saying a few goodbyes, enjoying the bugalow view as much as I can and then last but not least magically packing my possessions into a 20kg backpack.
 |
| I'm sure gonna miss this view from my bungalow! :( |
Next time I write...no doubt I will be in Sydney...Much love Thailand xo
OH YEAH AND TODAY IS MY MUMS BIRTHDAY...HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE GREATEST WOMEN :) I LOVE YOU SO MUCH XO
OH YEAH AND TODAY IS MY MUMS BIRTHDAY...HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE GREATEST WOMEN :) I LOVE YOU SO MUCH XO
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Only 2 more nights
The time has come...only 2 more nights left in my secluded little bungalow on the edge of Koh Phangan. I am filled with excitement to return home but also a sense of non-excitement regarding the lack of movement since my trip to the Philippines.
Nevertheless some exciting times lay ahead and a part of me totally thinks that being back in the city for a bit with familiar surroundings will give me MORE drive than I already have and conquer more dreams and aspirations.
If I look back over the past 11 months, I think all in all I have 'done good'...if anything, I certainly learnt alot about myself. Probably more than I knew I could know. But before I set off on the next big adventure early next year I must check-in at home, reground my self and of course earn some AUDees!
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Australians knocking Australians
Fact. I am Australian. Fact. My mother is Filipino and my father is Australian. Fact. I was born and raised in Australia. Fact. I am Australian by nature.
Now that this is clear, I will continue to write while feeling a little irritated by an Australian I just met. A pure thorough-bread 29 year old male I just met also living here in Thailand, proclaiming that Australians are not as "knowledgeable" as Europeans.
Ummmmmm
I actually had to leave the conversation because sometimes, thankfully more not than often (yes the right way around) you have to be able to walk away or sit quiet in conversations that you know you will not be understood if you were to express your mind fully. Perhaps I should of stood up to defend Australia, but I was not going to enter into a one sided discussion with someone that even thought that. I give you cred my friend for making a big dumb ass statement in front of another Aussie.
It certainly was a big bold statement made by the handicapped inexperienced and naive individual...
Australia is allot of things but Australians are also not allot of things, and one of those is not the aforementioned "un-knowledgeable".
To blatantly say that we are under educated is a matter of personal experience and a path we are either on or not. Totally subjective! Clearly in writing this a) you hit a nerve and b) I consider myself to be a self educated (opinionated) intellect with the ability to chose and make decisions based upon 'me' and my capacity to live with an open mind not the by the syllabus of our educational infrastructure. (If you know me and this blog, I need explain no more).
While our country is young and not as rich in historical culture and traditions as our worldly counterparts like 'Europe' you mentioned...or if we have a shaky perhaps slightly bisexual government...(that doesn't know if its coming or going) this is irrelevant (your honour) altogether in discussing the knowledge of us (Australia) as a Whole. Because who we are as people is not only based upon our nationality...
I do not feel like writing further about this, because I feel that it is common sense and bloomin! obvious...to know that despite race, colour or gender we all seek the same basic needs and purpose in life.
The flavours of our journey is only tainted slightly by these variables but they need not be at the core of who we are as a nation.
This simple-ton statement is a reflection of who you are BUDDY and where your at as a person, I do not blame you for this because you are the uneducated Australian MATE!! Unfortunate for you but speak for yourself...
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Island Bum
My last two weeks here in Koh Phangan involve and require very little, physically
and mentally. So the big aspiration here for the next 7days before the
anticipated return to the land down under is to be an Island Bum!!! Oh How will I survive?
Since March this year (2012) (when i moved from Pai to Chaing Mai) i
have been having very little personal fun by way of the usual Liz
adventures... While it may seem being in Thailand is a permanent
holiday...having been here for almost 9 months now, Yes it can be... But
having lived it i would now say that it is more the quality of life
you can have here on q western income. To be living here through the
high and low seasons and earning Thai Baht is seriously a joke in my
line of work anyway.
So continue on the topic of island bum... My last two weeks here in Koh Phangan are totally and entirely dedicated to me and the doing of "nothing". How wonderful!!! Hehehhe
Though, when i say nothing... I have just complete a 2 hour trek in 3 hours. Now i can officially say i was "LOST" in the jungle on an island!! Yep, just like the series. But nevertheless we made it and are stuffing our face with yummy food from Bamboo huts in Had Yuan overlooking probably the most stunning beach on this island!
Now all left to is to siesta, swim and take a quick trip on a Thai long boat back to Haad Rin and then do "nothing"....
So continue on the topic of island bum... My last two weeks here in Koh Phangan are totally and entirely dedicated to me and the doing of "nothing". How wonderful!!! Hehehhe
Though, when i say nothing... I have just complete a 2 hour trek in 3 hours. Now i can officially say i was "LOST" in the jungle on an island!! Yep, just like the series. But nevertheless we made it and are stuffing our face with yummy food from Bamboo huts in Had Yuan overlooking probably the most stunning beach on this island!
Now all left to is to siesta, swim and take a quick trip on a Thai long boat back to Haad Rin and then do "nothing"....
Monday, August 6, 2012
it happened like 'this' for a reason
Sometimes it is not obvious how or why things happen the way do. But when you learn the truth, often what you want is no longer available or is simply eliminated from the list due to the fulfillment of the unexpected. You observe the resistance inside and are rudely shocked by how little you felt by the previous desire or longing for something that was or that could be.
It is almost laughable sometimes that what you knew subconsciously all along is often the result in the end anyway. You wonder what all the excitement and anxiety was about in the first place??? Most often it is linked to an unrealistic desire or to fulfill a conditioned expectation of what you think you need in order to fulfill a void with in. Shocking!
So when the turn of events, turns...it is vital to remember that it happened this way for a reason and probably for the best reason...the reason does not have to be labelled, identified or felt...silent observation and acceptance is usually enough.
Silly Expectations
Expectations of what you cannot control really are a waste of time and a perfect way to mess up your flow... it can cause a temporary relief of excitement or nervousness but in the end fate has already decided its course.
Over time the only thing that you learn that you can control is how you handle and manage your emotions and of course your perspective on life.
So the advice is, live without expectations and simply be at peace with how life unfolds...
So the advice is, live without expectations and simply be at peace with how life unfolds...
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Think and Grow Rich
I have known about this book since I was about 17, but like most things you discover early on in life you don't think it would be a book that serves you or serves a higher purpose. A good friend of mine at the time, Kane Wilson, even highly recommended it. But I guess I just never got around to reading it.
Since being on this journey I have rediscovered or come across things that I have meant to get around to doing or reading while having the time and of course being more conscious to these recurring incidences.
Think and Grow Rich has finally come back into my life and this time I am reading it. What a powerful forward thinking book of knowledge. To think that this book was first published in 1937 and has since sold over 15 million copies says allot about the power of this book.
It seems that much theory and philosophy written in the last century surrounding the power of thoughts and manifestation have come from this book. It is the "ridgy didge" or the real deal if you will.
The 13 steps to creating abundance in your mind and your life. While much of the book talks about the attitude and mindset to creating wealth through changing your thoughts, you can see how you could apply to this any goal or objective you set your mind to and in helping you achieve your life purpose.
As I am (in my mind anyways) a hard core meditator I would say that combining the power of stillness with the power of concentration you will easily see and feel the difference in your day to day life when being true to this practice.
For the practice you are to hold a thought or a clear statement of 'definitive purpose and desire' in your mind and recite this twice a day every day for 10-30 minutes.
The result???
The only option left for the sub-conscious then is to believe the programming that you are consciously submitting to it with concentration and focus every day twice a day...simple!
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Sugar Sux
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| Sugar SUX!!! |
Yes my passion for educating and bitching has reached an all time high! I am here in the Philippines and I have semi-consciously and unwillingly jumped on the blood sugar roller coaster. Unfortunately the more you are aware of it the more frustrated you become - at myself mostly but just as much to the American Corporations and Governments for allowing this disaster to spread.
Last night I created a blog series and facebook page to a) spread the knowledge once again and b) to protest!
But can you imagine without this power of knowledge the detrimental effects it can and will lead to. For me its just a short ride, which upon my return to Health Island in Thailand and eventually to my motherland Australia, blood sugar will normalise and stabilise. For many of the people here this is vicious cycle of ups and downs and progressive depletion of health.
I am but a one man army, loaded with nothing more than a blog and a few fans. We talk about sustainability and yet the epidemic continues to grow with impact being mostly on the environment and the people.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
The igen
I thought I was a tech head or perhaps a facebook addict. But after 4 days here in the Philippines, I can honestly say that I am far from it. Since I have been here, I have seen a 2 year old play temple run (a very stupid game) on her brothers Samsung tablet that he uses for school; as well as all my nieces and nephews just sitting on the couch right next to each other with their own up to date high tech smart phone glued to their hands.
The concern that not only is it slightly frustrating to have a conversation with them but that its more frustrating and sad to see that kids are no longer playing with each other in each others presence, or running around screaming and laughing, making up silly games. The closest they get to engaging with one another is when they are sitting on the couch next to each other both overlooking a laptop or playing a versus match against one another the wii.
I also get it that here in the Phils its a part of the boredom factor, but is it not the responsibility of the parents to ensure that the children are engaged in PHYSICAL activity? not at all times, but WHY-O-WHY do they have to have phones with friggen 24 hour access to facebook. Who cares what your friends status is or what they are doing every minute...I'm guessing they are also driving their parents mad while sitting on their couch doing the same thing?
I may sound fairly judgemental in saying this, but the fact of the matter is that social media as it may be referred to has also had the reverse impact on this igen.
While for instance people like me use it for business or to share photos with friends and family while traveling. It seems that this is the pure source of communication for children here in the Philippines and probably everywhere...if this is how they are at such an early age...the idea of close connections and relationships will be as artificial as cyber reality.
Considering the evolution we have made as a race, why is it that we work so hard to improve communication and then being of the intelligence that we are it ends up that we become more disconnected...is that not un-intelligence!
Go fuck yourself technology! as I sign off on my blog that I access over high speed Internet....the oxymoron is that technological advancement is pleasure and pain all rolled into one!
Monday, July 23, 2012
New Energy...
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| To be free like a butterfly! |
I have a profound sense of positive energy lifting me today. My day started with a guided Ashtanga Mysore practice. While I am still unable to do most of the primary series, it actually helped me with my mind focus and balance this morning...actually suprising, considering the practice it self made me feel that I have never done yoga before. But thank you Lia for guiding the way :)
Tomorrow I head to the Philippines to finally see my Mum and of course all the cousins and aunties and uncles...yay!...
Where did this energy and insight come from...
In my professional observation of my own life, I feel that most of this energy has come from being in tune mentally to the my inner flow and accepting what it is. In my old stubborn mindset of expectations and control I limit myself...and isn't life all about taking what comes your way in open arms and making the best of it.
I could say that 'oh man, I really just want to stay here and keep working at it'...beat my self and feel like a failure.
But NO!...this is not at all how it is. Right now the universe has other plans for me and while things may not have come out the way I 'expected', it has shown me other signs that are guiding me in another direction...which is now back to Sydney.
I miss that place anyways...even if I was to stay longer, I think I would still book a flight home for a visit and see some familiar faces and just check into my roots. I love Sydney too, but all to often when I return back there after some time away, I appreciate it more...
So in my last few weeks here on the island, I can now finally kick back and let go of all the should'a', could'a' and would'a's...and simply embrace the Liz time, no energy out and just do the things that feel good for me!
Inhale, Exhale....
I hate to say it out loud, but I still think that m*ryj*n* is a friend once in a while. We seem to get along very well. She makes me creative, want to write, eat less, smoke less, and do lots and lots of yoga. I have always kind of known about functional st*n*rs and how they just get into a zone and get shit done. For me...I am functional but 100 more times creative and productive in doing so...everything feels like a meditation. Heightened sense, fine awareness, focused mind (sometimes with chatter) but the creative flow of drawing and writing certainly keep me occupied for hours. Meditation is effortless, listening to Buddhist teachings, these are but a few of the many things that m*ryj*n* helps me with me.
on my mind
I smoked a little blunt earlier so am feeling pretty chilled. Just watched a gig at the art cafe in Koh Phangan where a chick re-vibed some cool tracks with her own flavour and then threw in a few of her own as well as cited her own modern philosophical poetry. Unique and different! I like it...though as I was a little blazed I felt the urge to head home and write...but as it turns out I'm writing about the event.
Whats happening right now...
Im on my huge empty king side bed, door open, semi-fierce breeze coming in with fall fan switched onto level 3, lights on, insence burning... my fingers can't type as fast as I am thinking....I'm listening to Phil Collins, because it was the first thing that jumped out at me when I just flicked screens...is this song doing it for me? nope, I'm going to change it. Okay...here we go "losing my religion'...R.E.M...Now thats a goodie...reminds me of my cousin Vanessa when she was living in New Jersey and we were huge fans of Beverly Hills 90210. We used to send each other mixed tapes...yes tapes! and this track was on it, I think she discovered during that classic series!...and ever since then it always make me think of her...
What else is going on up there...
Ah...the anticipation and excitement of my friend Dana coming...no expectations Miss Liz! (song update..."One' U2). Yes I know..."no expectations" but the excitement of seeing her despite the outcome...this is the anticipation. I have a nice feeling about it, so will just be present to the time we get to spend together and I'm sure how ever we leave it, is the way it supposed to be.
I still though, have the a huge question mark in my mind for someone I'm not quite sure about...its been almost a year now and I still think of her in the same way as I did when I left...does she know? maybe, probably...she should...I mean I know her allot better and I still like her...but again, we are good friends and if (which I'm not too sure will) something is to happen or not, then I am happy regardless.
It's weird ya know, when you meet someone, anyone, almost instantly you can tell if they are gonna be a close friend or if your attracted to them etc...obviously...but...sometimes when there is this ambiguity and we are uncertain of the feelings, you wonder if...it is the rose tinted filter on my mind creating a beautiful fantasy or is... ambiguity, just what it is, ambiguity? and then in this complex state of ambiguity we just question in circles what it is and nothing changes until it changes or until it becomes blatant...
I still am the avid believer in you will know it when it hits you in your face...
I'm going to enjoy another piece of mothers earths gifts...roll it in paper and then.....write some more :P
Sunday, July 22, 2012
observation of the heart
Have you ever had those feelings, when you are simply confused by what you want, who you want versus what you need versus knowing that you need to love yourself first?
I am often torn by these thoughts and conditions often.
Lust or Desire comes from that place of 'thinking' that if we have something, we fulfill something in ourselves that we can provide our selves.
Love on the other hand is something that we come across when we are ready to receive it and love and approve of ourselves as we are.
In feeling this disconnect I often wonder if I will ever meet someone that truly and unconditionally loves me who I really am. It may sound a little conceited to be thinking like this, and this is not a case of 'poor me'. It simply is an observation of where I am at.
I feel that this journey over the last 9 or so months has taught me alot about myself and in this discovery I have made many realizations about my attitude towards commitment.
If I could reiterate my past verbatim or creative a drama series of my life it would soon become apparent and clear as to how, why and where things changed in order for me to arrive on this island feeling the way I feel. Mostly I have been the saboteur of all the relationships or they were simply not part of my life flow...the latter being the easier ones to get over emotionally, while the ones where I was not a good decision maker caused me lots of pain.
What was the difference?
I think not only has it do to with the flow of life, I also think it has a great deal to do with the fact that I was seeking happiness in another person whilst not being aware of it. When I was in my flow and circumstances did not allow us to be together, it seemed that my head and my heart was quickly able to let go.
The point...
Be sure I remain true to who I am and trust that anyone who comes into my life was brought here for a reason...and to be open and present to that with out expectations. Simple!
I am often torn by these thoughts and conditions often.
Lust or Desire comes from that place of 'thinking' that if we have something, we fulfill something in ourselves that we can provide our selves.
Love on the other hand is something that we come across when we are ready to receive it and love and approve of ourselves as we are.
In feeling this disconnect I often wonder if I will ever meet someone that truly and unconditionally loves me who I really am. It may sound a little conceited to be thinking like this, and this is not a case of 'poor me'. It simply is an observation of where I am at.
I feel that this journey over the last 9 or so months has taught me alot about myself and in this discovery I have made many realizations about my attitude towards commitment.
If I could reiterate my past verbatim or creative a drama series of my life it would soon become apparent and clear as to how, why and where things changed in order for me to arrive on this island feeling the way I feel. Mostly I have been the saboteur of all the relationships or they were simply not part of my life flow...the latter being the easier ones to get over emotionally, while the ones where I was not a good decision maker caused me lots of pain.
What was the difference?
I think not only has it do to with the flow of life, I also think it has a great deal to do with the fact that I was seeking happiness in another person whilst not being aware of it. When I was in my flow and circumstances did not allow us to be together, it seemed that my head and my heart was quickly able to let go.
The point...
Be sure I remain true to who I am and trust that anyone who comes into my life was brought here for a reason...and to be open and present to that with out expectations. Simple!
Friday, July 20, 2012
5.57am Koh Phangan
I love rising early and watch the sky turn to light. It almost feels as if you are the only one awake to witness this momentary moment of watching night turn to day. I have always loved this hour, the early sense of calm and simply watching nature take it course. Its especially special being on the edge of this island watching the vast ocean and all its energy. The endless effect of the ripples and the stillness at the shore. As the sky lights up the ocean changes colour, the sound of the waves is soothing, there is no other sound like it. The cool morning wind, the sounds of the birds all is peaceful all is calm. There really is no better way to start the morning that with an early rise.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Lessons
I have learned a great deal about my self over the past 9 months and more specifically in the last few days. In a city choc full of people, we can choose to surround ourselves with people we choose. But as you minimise the number of people in your everyday, perhaps by moving to an island, you would think that being in search of the same peace and freedom the connection would be simple and require non-effort. It's probably just me and where I am at in terms of life-level, but it is most certainly interesting as to how we draw certain people into our life.
Here is what I have observed in the last few days;
- The way I 'feel' around difficult people.
- The way I 'feel' around negative people.
- Love and acceptance for oneself.
- Intense lonliness and opening the heart.
- Compassion, understanding, acceptance and letting go of past pain and expectations of the future.
- Learning to accept and appreciate the present moment.
While I can create this list and think about specific examples that led me to these conclusions. I would say the ones that take and require the most practice are the first 3.
I always have great patience when it comes to someone I care about, but when it come to people that get on my nerves instantly, I shut down. I have no space for them in my sphere of consciousness. I often wonder is does that lack of patience stem from the fact that as a mirror to this human being I to have these frustrating qualities or has it to do with the fact that my fault finding mind is living large.
Perhaps to some degree it is a bit of both. To walk away from the situation does not allow you to learn and move on, to go at it with anger just makes it worse and of course gives it life making it harder to resolve with two people rather than just in your own mind.
Is acceptance of the way it is the solution? or to throw love at it and meet it in the middle? or does just simply 'letting it go' serve?
Here is what I have observed in the last few days;
- The way I 'feel' around difficult people.
- The way I 'feel' around negative people.
- Love and acceptance for oneself.
- Intense lonliness and opening the heart.
- Compassion, understanding, acceptance and letting go of past pain and expectations of the future.
- Learning to accept and appreciate the present moment.
While I can create this list and think about specific examples that led me to these conclusions. I would say the ones that take and require the most practice are the first 3.
I always have great patience when it comes to someone I care about, but when it come to people that get on my nerves instantly, I shut down. I have no space for them in my sphere of consciousness. I often wonder is does that lack of patience stem from the fact that as a mirror to this human being I to have these frustrating qualities or has it to do with the fact that my fault finding mind is living large.
Perhaps to some degree it is a bit of both. To walk away from the situation does not allow you to learn and move on, to go at it with anger just makes it worse and of course gives it life making it harder to resolve with two people rather than just in your own mind.
Is acceptance of the way it is the solution? or to throw love at it and meet it in the middle? or does just simply 'letting it go' serve?
Sunday, July 15, 2012
No time or Too much time...
It seems that living on an island time evaporates like the tide! The days fly by and when you only do bits and pieces of work each day starts to feel the same. Mostly like a Sunday. Everything moves slower, time constraints are non existent and an afternoon siesta is simply part of the daily routine.
You only have time and time alone...alone as in only and also time on your own.
You can do as much or as little as you need...and with time as your only asset, it seems that the side effect strangely enough is the "losing track of the days", or feeling that the days come and go.
Whilst being on an island sounds magical it seems to have the unintentional implication of making you a bit lazy. No deadlines, no pressure, no push no shove.
Who thought I would be saying this out loud let alone on a blog available for the whole world to see.
I know that drive comes from with in (knowing clearly in your mind your purpose and of course your highest values). Unfortunately we are mostly motivated by the fear of something happening if we don't do something or the fear that if we do something x or y will happen. While this may be the case, it is also the necessary evil in order for us to keep pushing and striving in order to learn more about ourselves, why we are here and what keeps that flame inside humbly flickering.
To have no challenges, no distractions, no conflicts, irregular human interaction would be the end of our everyday suffering but the beginning of a life half lived. Having said this bold statement - out loud once again - it can therefore be said that in order to find balance we must grow spiritually in order to determine our balance in order to find inner peace and harmony with our place in the world.
Allot more can definitely be said for the pros and cons of living in a busy city or on a small island...perhaps experiencing both can help you see a little more clearly why in either situation getting to know your self is the most important seed we need sow and grow. So irrespective of logistics we remain grounded and true to our inner nature.
While some may thrive on hectic schedules and deadlines, others may crumble and vice versa. Leaving people to their own devices and running to their own schedule and timeline may result in a life of unfulfilled possibilities.
Our journey is our own expression of what is.
You only have time and time alone...alone as in only and also time on your own.
You can do as much or as little as you need...and with time as your only asset, it seems that the side effect strangely enough is the "losing track of the days", or feeling that the days come and go.
Whilst being on an island sounds magical it seems to have the unintentional implication of making you a bit lazy. No deadlines, no pressure, no push no shove.
Who thought I would be saying this out loud let alone on a blog available for the whole world to see.
I know that drive comes from with in (knowing clearly in your mind your purpose and of course your highest values). Unfortunately we are mostly motivated by the fear of something happening if we don't do something or the fear that if we do something x or y will happen. While this may be the case, it is also the necessary evil in order for us to keep pushing and striving in order to learn more about ourselves, why we are here and what keeps that flame inside humbly flickering.
To have no challenges, no distractions, no conflicts, irregular human interaction would be the end of our everyday suffering but the beginning of a life half lived. Having said this bold statement - out loud once again - it can therefore be said that in order to find balance we must grow spiritually in order to determine our balance in order to find inner peace and harmony with our place in the world.
Allot more can definitely be said for the pros and cons of living in a busy city or on a small island...perhaps experiencing both can help you see a little more clearly why in either situation getting to know your self is the most important seed we need sow and grow. So irrespective of logistics we remain grounded and true to our inner nature.
While some may thrive on hectic schedules and deadlines, others may crumble and vice versa. Leaving people to their own devices and running to their own schedule and timeline may result in a life of unfulfilled possibilities.
Our journey is our own expression of what is.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Who am I? and Why am I here?...
I am feeling a deep sense of confusion about what is really going on inside me at the moment. It seems that two voices of the true me and 'social', 'false' me (who I thought I was) have collided. They can no longer hide from each other.
It is the time of confrontation. Deciphering years of bullshit ego and reflecting upon mistakes or decisions that have led me to the point of where I am right now.
By no means can I complain about my external world right now. I'm in a secluded bungalow with beach, rocks and the sound of waves crashing all day. What more could you want right? The external certainly does not feel like the problem. I could say here that environmental and logistical conditions and finally acheived perfection. So why the inner discontent?...
Who am I? and Why am I here?...
Great, seems like the old adage of "back to the drawing board". I could say here, that 10 years ago I was less tainted by life or I could say that I now sit here 10 years wiser. I'm not sure which is the more glorious. Surely the latter would enable us to make decisions with clarity and expertise. But its not an expert that we need here is it. Apparently its reconnecting to the less tainted self and view of life and being guided to the innate wisdom within that has and always will be there.
I am tired of running, I am tired of playing ignorant, I am tired of trying to be someone who perhaps never really was me. Right now I have no answers, as everything I seem to do no longer has an impact on my sense of self. The words null and void spring to mind when I think of these feelings. I now this is not permanent and it will only be a matter of time before something shifts and I am guided.
Perhaps this is exactly what it is.
My opportunity to be raw, vulnerable, null and let whatever is happening inside to take place with out judgement and just be with it.
It is the time of confrontation. Deciphering years of bullshit ego and reflecting upon mistakes or decisions that have led me to the point of where I am right now.
By no means can I complain about my external world right now. I'm in a secluded bungalow with beach, rocks and the sound of waves crashing all day. What more could you want right? The external certainly does not feel like the problem. I could say here that environmental and logistical conditions and finally acheived perfection. So why the inner discontent?...
Who am I? and Why am I here?...
Great, seems like the old adage of "back to the drawing board". I could say here, that 10 years ago I was less tainted by life or I could say that I now sit here 10 years wiser. I'm not sure which is the more glorious. Surely the latter would enable us to make decisions with clarity and expertise. But its not an expert that we need here is it. Apparently its reconnecting to the less tainted self and view of life and being guided to the innate wisdom within that has and always will be there.
I am tired of running, I am tired of playing ignorant, I am tired of trying to be someone who perhaps never really was me. Right now I have no answers, as everything I seem to do no longer has an impact on my sense of self. The words null and void spring to mind when I think of these feelings. I now this is not permanent and it will only be a matter of time before something shifts and I am guided.
Perhaps this is exactly what it is.
My opportunity to be raw, vulnerable, null and let whatever is happening inside to take place with out judgement and just be with it.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Island Inspiration
It's so amazing to come out the other side of 'change'. Most of us fear change and entering the unknown.
I now sit writing this post overlooking the ocean from my Bungalow porch in Koh Phangan. I am on the west side of the island away from the hustle and bustle of young travelers getting their first taste of full moon party. Good for them, this is how we let off steam when we're young, or fall in love with traveling and of course the Kingdom of Thailand. An easy country to travel that continues to bring in tourists from all over in search of fun and of course the sun.
Who knows, perhaps 10 years later they too will choose a life of travel and come back to Koh Phangan and settle here for the reasons I have, in search of something different. Some Island inspiration to get the creative juices flowing, or to live simply and enjoy the simpler things in life that we often do not when we live in a busy city.
I have finally made the much anticipated move from Chiang Mai to Kho Phangan. It was a decision that if I look back was made 3 months ago, but as with most things in life, things take time and when you can see the light in being in both places it is hard to come to that final decision.
The realisation and finally the decision to make the move was that, the question perhaps would not have arisen if it was not innately what I wanted to do. Firstly I had to ask myself if I was running away from something?
I understand the real nature of change, and that is in this life, "change is the only constant". But in this inevitability there is something to be said for change that we create out of discontent or change that is inspired by a new beginning that comes from our highest values.
How to distinguish: The answer is simple. Tune in, and ask your self..."what is it that drives you"? "What gets you out of bed in the morning"?.
Sometimes we get caught in the trap of changing things for the sake of changing things in order to distract ourselves from what really needs to be changed...and what is this?
a) Sometimes nothing in our external world - perhaps just the way we look at it. We often get so caught up in striving and wanting more that we regrettably do not appreciate what we already have.
b) listening to our true or essential self - if we are constantly changing things to busy or selves up perhaps this is a sign that our true self is not happy with the way things are. We must reconnect with innate wisdom and re-discover our truth, what makes us tick, like I said earlier; find out what gets us out of bed.
I now sit writing this post overlooking the ocean from my Bungalow porch in Koh Phangan. I am on the west side of the island away from the hustle and bustle of young travelers getting their first taste of full moon party. Good for them, this is how we let off steam when we're young, or fall in love with traveling and of course the Kingdom of Thailand. An easy country to travel that continues to bring in tourists from all over in search of fun and of course the sun.
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| View from my Bungalow, where I sit when I write! |
Who knows, perhaps 10 years later they too will choose a life of travel and come back to Koh Phangan and settle here for the reasons I have, in search of something different. Some Island inspiration to get the creative juices flowing, or to live simply and enjoy the simpler things in life that we often do not when we live in a busy city.
I have finally made the much anticipated move from Chiang Mai to Kho Phangan. It was a decision that if I look back was made 3 months ago, but as with most things in life, things take time and when you can see the light in being in both places it is hard to come to that final decision.
The realisation and finally the decision to make the move was that, the question perhaps would not have arisen if it was not innately what I wanted to do. Firstly I had to ask myself if I was running away from something?
I understand the real nature of change, and that is in this life, "change is the only constant". But in this inevitability there is something to be said for change that we create out of discontent or change that is inspired by a new beginning that comes from our highest values.
How to distinguish: The answer is simple. Tune in, and ask your self..."what is it that drives you"? "What gets you out of bed in the morning"?.
Sometimes we get caught in the trap of changing things for the sake of changing things in order to distract ourselves from what really needs to be changed...and what is this?
a) Sometimes nothing in our external world - perhaps just the way we look at it. We often get so caught up in striving and wanting more that we regrettably do not appreciate what we already have.
b) listening to our true or essential self - if we are constantly changing things to busy or selves up perhaps this is a sign that our true self is not happy with the way things are. We must reconnect with innate wisdom and re-discover our truth, what makes us tick, like I said earlier; find out what gets us out of bed.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Take Some Space
Sometimes there is nothing like space from people and places to give you greater insight into your truth.
My time here in Chiang Mai, has been the biggest (third) eye opener ever. It has been more than I could of ever thought possible by way self healing, self nurturing and the cultivating of self awareness.
But there comes a time in all of this; lets call it 'stuff', that it is to reach a point when you decide to move forward. A time to take the teachings into the heart and apply them.
It has crossed my mind that perhaps I am running away once again from stability and allowing myself to be recongnised for me and my work. But honestly, I don't feel that this is it for me. I'm still in search of what is, but aren't we all, most of the time. The difference now is that I am able to realise and move on. Is this a good thing? I am not quite sure.
All I know is, that I am excited about creating space for my self by relocating to an island for inspiration. Hello Koh Phangan!
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Mr Universe
 |
| I'm in your hands! |
Am I being
ignorant to what the universe is telling me right now. Do I need to go home
earn real money (AUDees) and then decide?
If I am the
right path the universe would provide, but every day it seems the universe
continues to take away from me. I'm not jumping up and down or crying about the
discrepancy of financial abundance right now, though the day of darkness 2 days
ago along with self destruction would indicate otherwise.
Here is my intention Mr universe
"just so
'we' (you and I) are both clear I am writing my intention and pressing publish
so that it can be sent in to material cyberspace and be released from my
cerebral cortex". i.e the sheet of neural tissue that is outermost to the
cerebrum of the mammalian brain.
I am due to
leave Chiang Mai by the end of the week and head to Koh Phangan. When I arrive
at this destination I will have 2 weeks to write and complete 2 of my e-books
as well as contemplate new ideas and conceptualise. In the middle of the month
I have a week long retreat which I very much look forward to and 3 days post
retreat I have a flight to meet with my wonderful mother (mumma) in her mother
land the Philippines.
But let me
explicitly express Dear Mr universe, that I remain totally open to what destiny
may bring.
I reiterate: I
trust, I accept I surrender completely.
Happy Sunday.
A link: http://kissesandchaos.com/2011/06/12/trust-the-universe-it-knows-things/
A link: http://kissesandchaos.com/2011/06/12/trust-the-universe-it-knows-things/
I surrender
 |
| destination unknown |
It feels like I have moved through the darkest part of the moment. Each new moment offers its own unique perspective, but some moments inflict a pain so hard to ignore that you become slave to its mechanics and have to trust that you will come out the other side wiser and stronger.
If we are to talk
mechanics, it is not about understanding how things work, or being bogged down by the contents of the process. It is about trusting the greatest source in existence, the universe. This source exists in order to keep us on track, remind us when we are misguided and ultimately lead us towards our higher purpose.
Yesterday I was taken
over by the fear. I yielded little trust in what is and was held captive to a rampage of
self-sabotage and abuse. I would treat no other human being like this, except
of course…yours sincerely.
I was going to say 'we',
but I can only speak for myself when I say this. “I” have a tendency toward juvenile behaviour of destructiveness because
I have set expectations so high and possibly beyond my understanding of what is
capable or meant for me right now.
I was once told that - “I am my own worst enemy”…but aren’t 'we' all at times.
I was once told that - “I am my own worst enemy”…but aren’t 'we' all at times.
After a drunken binge,
I wake up feeling heavy and disastrous. I feel greatful for the people that were by my virtual side (skype) allowing me to be me, and creating a safe space for me to self -destruct. Though I have sincere gratitude, by no means do I feel resolution or
inner calm.
Today, I spend the day,
once again in my apartment and in my own company (which I am becoming quite
good at) reflecting. Asking questions like...
What is it that you
desire Elizabeth? What makes you tick? What makes you happy? What do you want? What are you looking for?
The hypothesis remains
a big 'phat' question mark. All I know is that if I am to retreat and press pause
on this journey to truth I will be a very unhappy sentient being.
The last 6 months of ego de-condtioning and purging old emotion has shown me the light. Though it is still in the distance, at least now it is in my vision and more often that not I am showered by its love.
The last 6 months of ego de-condtioning and purging old emotion has shown me the light. Though it is still in the distance, at least now it is in my vision and more often that not I am showered by its love.
Though a solution
would be ideal especially in this moment of uncertainty, I think the only thing
left to do it surrender.
Surrender to what is –
as is and therefore what will be – will be.
Friday, June 22, 2012
ok, have your way with me...
 |
| The polarity |
3 days, and nothing is feeling better!!!...WTF
"Come on essential self, speak up". I cannot hear you over all of this destructive behaviour. Croissants is not what you really want, nor a pack of cigarettes a day, or no exercise or no sleeping pills. It cannot be. This is simply ridiculous behaviour. Do you want to stay in your little hermit hole? What the fuck is it that you want??? Silence? Stillness? More writing? Endless Inner Turbulance? Please communicate with me!!!. You are feeling like a terrible lover incapable of expressing what it is they need or want. Feeling sorry for yourself, playing victim and all these mind games, this is the behaviour of not even a child.
If being alone and being still is what you need, then you can have it. I am physically drained of all feelings right now, so do what you need. I will be gentle and maintain patience.
"Liz, be o.k with these feeling right now darling. This is no time to make decisions or take action. You know that in this darkness, clarity will come. Retaliation and anger will only make it harder and more painful. Listen to how you feel. If you feel that being depressed, alone and quiet is what you need. Then be with that. It is perfectly fine".
Thursday, June 21, 2012
roll the dice
 |
| when all else fails... |
I've always considered myself to be a good decision maker. Well, actually that's a lie. A good decision maker, makes decision based on the 'knowing' of what he / she wants and needs based on an inner guidance of intuition and wisdom. So this is perhaps why I 'thought' I was a good decision maker. This week, today, this moment I am far from being a decision maker as I feel totally null and void to my intuition and higher purpose.
Whilst I know that the higher purpose of my human existence is to be free from the conditioning and restraints of the mind in order to serve others, now and in the next life. Today, It seems I am of service to my ego and conditioning and all I have is this blog to find some inner and peace and clarity and be the observer.
Thus far, it does not matter what decision I make, they all seem to be out of necessity rather than from desire. Or wait. Holy Shit! Desire according to Buddhist philosophy is the cause of suffering. Shit! is this key...if we don't 'need' anything, besides our basic physiological needs then in this moment, I am o.k.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
City of Healing
 |
| Tree of Life |
Up until now, and I'm sure such as life, if you have been reading any of this blog you will learn and already possibly know that life is a journey, just like a traveler setting out on a world adventure.
Sounds like an obvious statement, and it may well be, but fact of the matter is that without the colours, smells and stimulation of our senses travel would be meaningless and pointless. Just like life we need our existence to experience the ups and downs in order to get on our true path and find our 'flow'.
I moved to Thailand in January 2012 for no other reason other than that my soul feels welcome here as if it had lived here before. I stayed in Pai for 2 months to chill and to possibly align my business plans with my head.
In March 2012, I decided to venture into Chiang Mai, rent an apartment and implement my plans. To my surprise, this has come with much struggle, emotion, pain and suffering. I am totally broke and at the same time driven to pursue my plans.
I fall into a group of women that have and are on a similar journey. While the milestones and the age gaps may be different, in essence it is one and the same. They are my future, I am their past and being here in Chiang Mai, we meet in the middle.
In spending time with these women I have learnt so much about my self, my work and how struggle and pain is necessary in order to shift from that of a child to that of an adult. I am not saying here that this process is close to complete. All I would like to identify is that I do understand and I am getting it.
When I said earlier that I wanted to align my business with my head, this was the fundamental flaw. To truly honour your inner desires and innate gifts you must align this with your infinite self. What we desire is a result of our conditioning, beliefs and values showered upon us through the past. The past is the past and the now, though it may be a result of the past is not significant to how things unfold in the future.
Complex statements, yes I know. But with experience it becomes apparent that as we evolve and shift consciously, you will see that the secret to life is not what we want or how we get it. It is how we are despite what we have. Abundance or lack thereof we must learn to observe without judgement.
How does this help or have relevance to my life?
I can only speak for me of course, and in doing so while writing this post. I feel that the true response for me is that observation of the mind and its reactions to the perceived reality created with in itself is the nature of learning about your true self.
I still have moments whereby I react with emotion to my present situation. What holds me strong and allows to write posts such as this is - knowing. Knowing is an awareness. Awareness is consciousness. Consciousness is not about enlightenment, it is about being aware of what is at play...is the mind and ego or is it your true self calling out for attention. Being able to distinguish is like having no travel plans and being guided by what feels right independent of external forces.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
7 of Diamonds
Dear Mumma,
Your the first person I could think to tell....Oh I miss telling you all the random crazy stuff so I thought I would write you this blog to add to my collection of randomness.
Your the first person I could think to tell....Oh I miss telling you all the random crazy stuff so I thought I would write you this blog to add to my collection of randomness.
Incase you are wondering is why your daughter is like a bird and not suffering from mental illness (lol) here is total proof and evidence that "what is - is" and "the way things are, are the way they are supposed to and they way things are supposed to be is the way they are".
This morning the strangest thing happened to me here in Koh Phangan.
I was sitting on the balcony of my bungalow chillin' and I saw that there was one single playing card wedged in the sand, with its top half peeking out. For some reason (it was totally tempting and intriguing), I decided to go and pick it up. I thought....oooh I wonder what card it is, if its an "ACE" I'm a champ and ....this means good luck. hehhehe or it could be a joker, which is also good luck!
BUT NO....even more funny and random is that it was a 7 of Diamonds. (Big deal right!)....well yes....huge deal in my world or in my numerology chart should I say.
 |
| Life Path 7 |
So about 5 years ago here in Thailand I had my numerology reading done. As soon as I saw this, I remembered in an instant that 7 it is my life path number...and whats even 'weirder' per se is that it was a 7 of diamonds.
Last week Maggie asked me to shine like a diamond - shine - shine - shine!
It was the strangest thing that has happened to me in a
long time maybe ever actually.
Especially the fact that it was right out the front of my bungalow on the beach! ahh life is enchanting...not as random as I used to think.
I want to invite you to read the two links below...I know you love me and think I am a bird, but now you will understand a birds brain better. I think you will understand more about me and perhaps the reason I am a free spirit. Not by choice, but by nature. If I am to stay still or do not explore the world I do not evolve, I become frustrated and stressed etc.
Especially the fact that it was right out the front of my bungalow on the beach! ahh life is enchanting...not as random as I used to think.
I want to invite you to read the two links below...I know you love me and think I am a bird, but now you will understand a birds brain better. I think you will understand more about me and perhaps the reason I am a free spirit. Not by choice, but by nature. If I am to stay still or do not explore the world I do not evolve, I become frustrated and stressed etc.
Oh how I miss our Sunday morning coffee at home talking for hours. I love you so much.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Movement in Stillness
Follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be.~ Joseph Cambell
We can all be a little gun
hoe at times, pushing, pursuing, striving and reaching to get to our
destination. Well as the old ‘us’ should right?, that’s how we achieved
everything thus far. Then comes a fork in the road, a challenge so great, so
unfamiliar that we have to call in the ‘big guns’. (The big guns refer to an
intense experience that requires conscious attention and awareness).
Where on earth do I find
something greater than what I am?
Then you finally reach a point where you realise that weapons of mass
destruction, fuelled anger, impatience, violence, low self worth, past
conditioning are no longer a viable substitute for the journey ahead.
Like a battle at war, it’s
scary, it instills fear, you feel weak, vulnerable and undeniably clueless of
your next step. You may as well put away the guns, for you will fight a losing
battle and here they are a worthless resistance on this path to self-love and
acceptance.
The fork in road represents
that point in your life you no longer understand what you are doing or why you
are doing it. Life is asking you to stop and check in. It is not necessarily a derailment it is simply a time of reflection, a time to tune into your
infinite frequency of truth and inner wisdom.
Allowing your life to unfold
is really about taking a step back at points you feel this resistance. Pushing
and frustration do not apply here. It is the time to be still, to observe, to
be free from judgement and surrender to what is. The true answer will only
present at this time.
When you are no longer
guided by your essence the universe has a funny way of showing us. I know of so
many people that have stumbled across this fork and had a complete, lets say
‘crisis’, before they made the career shift into passion and have now set off
in a direction they did not even dream of.
Sometimes it takes us a
while to realise we had even checked out. We go through the motions to get us
from A – B. Often doing things we think we should be doing in order to fulfil
an expectation set for us or set by ourselves but having lost the initial
purpose. Often in those moments I would find myself asking, “what am I doing,
How did this happen? How did I get here? Why am I doing this again?”
Its at those points we need
to ask ourselves the question, what do I really want to be doing? How do I want
to spend my days? What drives me? What puts me in my flow, where time
disappears and 5 minutes feels like an hour? What is my essence, what feels
right in my body when I ask it these questions?
Unfortunately, no one has
the answer. Only stillness and silence can provide the space, but it is with
practice and subtlety that we acknowledge what feels right in our body and
being present to what is to unfold.
I write to you of this
because this is my experience. I am a 32-year-old personal trainer who has
trained to push hard, battle, and leap over obstacles and run away when I don’t
understand or don’t like something. But by nature I am a traveller, an
adventurer, the seeker of truth.
So having realised this at the ripe old age of 32 my path has brought me
to Thailand to explore this inner wisdom and find my truth.
In the midst of setting up
and delivering what I ‘thought’ to be “the services I offered”, wellness and
holistic lifestyle coaching. I stumble across a gigantic fork, perhaps my ego or perhaps the confrontation
of its destruction. Which ever, I now know and can better distinguish that
the resistance I felt was the true ‘me’ speaking up. It is finally being heard,
being felt and it now wants to guide me.
Typically I freak out, I’m
not sure I like what it means, “letting go” and surrendering to what is. But am
I ready?
I say No, but the universe
clearly says yes. So I lock my self in my apartment for 4 days in a one to one
battle with my mind. Crying, struggling, feeling lonely, resisting the shift,
moving in and out of stillness, entertaining the steady stream of purging
emotions; fear, anger, giving up and just wanting to go home. Feeling totally
lost and frustrated! After 3 days, I am exhausted.
I had no choice but to surrender in stillness. It
would have been about 3-4 hours of meditation and breathing that on that
Saturday afternoon I was able to tune in and be guided to the answer that felt
right in my body.
This experience truly felt
that is was the battle of my unconsciousness,
intuition and inner wisdom. Finally coming head to head with where the universe
dissolves in to my being. All I had to do here was nothing, just be still,
feel, listen.
It is at this meeting point
that I realised I could no longer run, no longer keep doing things
unconsciously as the universe would of kept finding me and challenging my
purpose until I really understood how and why.
Am I sure this is my essence?
The universe has
communicated to me by depleting my bank account and leaving me in what us
western folk would call, ‘high and dry’.
I am totally high on life (especially having felt and understood my
purpose), but I am also almost broke.
But the key appears…here is why.
Now I only work from that
place inside that feels right, I attract and draw people that are of a similar
nature and path. While I want to share my work in the mainstream as it could
serve so many others, perhaps they are not ready. It is not to say that this
work is exclusive, but in a way it is. You have to be willing to do the work,
and ready to discover what is waiting.
Watching life unfold is enchanting and humorous,
when we think we are entering one door, it often slams shut, leaving us no
choice to be present to the next one that opens. There is always another door
if you are conscious to it, but to decide which one we go through is perhaps
not really up to us.
This is where stillness, non-doing and complete surrender become our
guide. Moving us through the door that takes us to our higher purpose.
Now that I have accepted this process, I feel a connection to the
universe. Work is simply appearing and the really funny thing
about it is, that they are clients and projects that I want to work on. Unlike
the past I am not taking on projects or clients because I need money, as I know
in the long run this becomes draining. Financial abundance and true freedom
comes when you work in alignment to who you are.
6 Steps to realign with your inner wisdom :
If you are at a cross-roads
or a point in your life where you feel your direction is unknown.
·
Take a step back or some time off work to have
some time with your self
·
Stay calm, be still and be with your self, it
is part of a greater process
·
Use breath work and meditation
·
Check in with your body and ask questions…see
what feels right
·
You have all the answers with in, you just have
to tune and trust your inner guru. Only you know what is best for you.
·
So be still and cultivate inner awareness
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