the school yard

where it all begins...

its funny thinking back to our youth, particularly high school.

I just taught a boxing class to 15 year old high school kids. All I could think, if I was you and I was your instructor, I would listen to me....LOL. The boys were fantastic and the girls...Not so. It was funny to interact with them and try to engage them as they are on a totally different wave length. 15 man! that was ...omg!! 16 nearly 17 years ago. Frightening to think. The girls pulled the typical, my backs sore, I have my periods blah blah blah. I said, great! 'you have period pain'! PMS. Lets punch the crap out of these pads! Motivating right? nope. Not for these bitches! But I was one of the kids at school that excelled at sports, loved it. All the periods between PE, SPORT, CARNIVALS etc. were a distraction. Except Art and Music. Loved Art! Anyways... the biggest thing I got out of today is that kids of today are lazy! to skool for cool!

No wonder the world is getting fatter. Schools try to encourage kids to be more active, but at the end of the day it does come from childhood. Before the school yard! Parents that buy their kids video games, snack foods and soft drinks should be in question. If you love your child do you reward them with nutritionally empty foods and buy them expensive toys. NO! you take them to the park and throw a footy around, play outdoor games with them. Show them that you care and be there. Giving them video games is the parents way out. Thats bullshit!

As a trainer, I will be in business forever. Unless...well there really is no unless, because the message is loud and clear for all to hear...but translation of the message into action is very distorted.

Usually it is about here that I jump onto my high horse. Because my passion does lay in getting people moving. But it makes my job 10 times harder if people do not know how to move. I am 17 years older than these kids (granted there is strength and experience) but none of them can move like I can. I am not saying this from an 'ego' space. Just a factual space to prove my point. Getting people moving and improving their body awareness is massive. They do not have to be elite, skinny or the seasoned athlete. People need to learn to take care of the body they were given, wear and tear in later years will take its toll and payback is a bitch!

Just a thought...

"RE"- Words

RE-juvenation
RE-invigorate

RE-vitalise

RE-charge

RE-energise
RE-fresh

RE-store

RE-set

This week has been about all of these things. In terms of clients and work. I have been allot less stressed and feeling like I have allot more down time. The clock is ticking till my departure, seven and a bit weeks. It cant seem to come quick enough really. So having some time to chill and not be on turbo had really helped. Going against the grain, i.e. my body clock and energy levels has been tough. But now I have let some of the extra work that I was doing go, I feel totally re-energised...


...except for some strange reason, after a fantastic week, I feel over it. Lying here this morning, I am snappy, sleepy, sulky and shitty (go the "s's")!! I have to teach a class at 2pm to school children, so gonna get my 2nd Nanna Nap in for the morning to see how I feel. Not a big deal, I'm sure once I get moving it will be all sweet, but till I do that's how it is!

re.assurance

I'm probably going to sound very un-enlightened in saying this, but I have a point.

Its really fuckin crazy how as individuals we can be so hard on ourselves to the point of detriment. I guess that's where the saying "you're your own worst enemy" comes from.

I worked with a young girl last night. 22 years old and just so insecure. I become very aware and attune to this sort of self talk, because I have gone through the journey and since moved on. I know that everyone learns at their own pace, but the degree of self loathing visible in this girl is insane. Very draining and pointless to add words of wisdom because there is still the ego of stubbornness present that does not permit anothers opinion or reassurance to advise otherwise. Very frustrating.

Learning to love and accept yourself, strengths, weakness, skills and flaws is an ongoing process. Letting go of hang ups, over coming fears, rising above criticism...they are all virtues that cultivate with age, experience and lessons. How open we are to receiving and learning more about our essence is determined by how we can deconstruct our ego. Which is our conditioning, from family, school, friends, repeated self talk. This is definitely one of life's major and harder tasks. Because this is teaching ourselves to unlearn what we once believe, which is usually a fictitious story of how we perceived a situation and RE-learn to approach the story based on facts with out attaching meaning. WOW! that's friggen hard core, but if we want to release ourselves from our 'mind speak' then this is what has to be done.

1 year ago. I used to battle with this allot. My mind taking over and propelling me into depression. Not clinical depression, but just feeling depressed! All I wanted to do is sleep in my room with curtains drawn, in hope that when I wake up everything will be dealt with. I would go out and drink, get drunk, barely manage hangovers, do it again, smoke cigarettes, smoke more cigarettes, eat poorly. Etc. This maybe normal for some, but for me...all these behaviours were contributing to my feeling of anger, frustration, stagnation and resentment. All toward myself...

1 year on. Present day. I can't say that I am "Lizzy Lama" (Dali lama, incase you didn't get that), (a long way off I'm sure, but you get my drift). But I am now able to recognise and realise what needs to happen before I let my mind start speaking and controlling my actions. My mind still speaks but I am better and quicker able to let go of whats irrelevant and apply whats relevant to keep me moving in a forward direction.

heeE.lee.um and Helene

Random fact: Next to hydrogen, helium is the second most abundant element in the universe, and accounts for 24% of the elemental mass of our galaxy.

Why helium...the short version...

Worked tonight till 1.30am with Helene in Velvet Bar. What knobs! We were busy here and there but spent most of the night laughing and taking the piss outta one another, the customers, our fellow crew and time just flew. Why am I talking about it. Because the whole time I have worked there. 5 weeks. Every shift on les.be.bi.an night has been pretty slow, but working with some of the crew we have makes time drag a little. We both buzzed and laughed all night, did our close in less than an hour and it made the night seem like...nothing.

I called this post helium, because there was a birthday party function in the 'Velvet Room' which had lots of birthday balloons. So to entertain ourselves while we were performing a typically mundane  close, Helene and I thought it would be much more interesting to suck back on the helium and talk in British accents or sing songs...of course we sounded like the 'chipmunks' and of course we were all most on the floor in hysterics.  

"Thanks Helene for making a Velvet Bar close extremely fun and painless".

What else happened tonight?....some English ladies were standing at the bar and bought me a shot of southern comfort and lime cordial! brrrrr. Not a chance I said. 1. Southo! (southern comfort) 2. Lime! 3. Working 4. Cameras. Was never going to be a good idea. But I liked that every time they bought a drink they gave me a fiveA!

Random post, boring post, no insight. Just one of life's funnys'! You can't be too serious all of the time!

Gay Porn over Dinner

Gay Porn over Dinner...

Always love catching up with my close mates. Especially when there is more eostrogen in the room than a female health clinic. Gay men, always keep it real and tell you how it really is!

I haven't seen them in about 6 weeks as I have been busy achieving milestones (could be pebbles), but every time I go and catch up with them, it is belly laughter, piss taking, sarcasm and reality checking-in. Its good fun!!

The funniest part of this whole evening was sitting down at the dinner table to tuna patties and Pete putting his laptop on the dinner table to show us all naked yoga!...of course (I shouldn't have expected anything more), all participants in this naked yoga video were men! so basically it was Gay Porn! It was pretty bad to watch while eating, especially when the men were on all fours and would extend a leg out. brrrrr. Thanks Pete! oh yeah and tuna patties were a brilliant menu selection. Too funny!

'O' the BuZZ

Killer Boxing Class!

Taught a killer boxing class tonight. It was my first box class at this gym and I the members loved it! I think the spark is back. Well it was never totally gone, just a little less sparkly than it has been. Let me re-hash; I took a break from trying to pursue full time PT this year because I had an opportunity arise at such a critical time in my career that I would of given up everything to be a part of this opportunity and help them grow their business and boost their profile in Sydney. But the fact of the matter is I am not completely ready. I know I always say this, mentally I am ready and will remain as a sponge, physically I am there too, just need to refine the movement and develop sequences and flows that are challenging, creative and satisfying. I have allot of my own stuff that I would love to work through and convert  my "many" ideas into something structured, polished and marketable.

I do love what I do, making people sweat, yelling, laughing, making fun of them, getting people to be more bendy, stronger core all essential elements to a fabulous workout.

Even my lunch time class was a buzz. Should of called it "zoo moves". I had people rolling on the ground, bouncing on all fours, crawling on the floor, flipping inside out, walking back wards on their hands. Sounds crazy eh. Well it was if you had never done that stuff before. For me, just another day in the office!

What I have got most from shifting my focus away from the admin and business side of PT is that I actually love love love being a trainer. Being the trainer, the entrepreneur, the accountant, the public relations person, the marketing person and sales person can be an arduous task. 

I found this especially difficult and uninspiring when as a trainer shifting away from traditional machine based / one dimensional movement to then having to learn a whole new discipline and then teaching a creative made up version of this discipline to others , made me feel, I need space. Time to learn, acquire, practice, practice, practice. I became lost conceptually as to how to market myself. Every day I was (am) changing, my perspective and approach has changed and therefore developing workable programs that deliver results is not  the bottom line. It is, are these programs marketable and do they sell.

Again...the cycle of thoughts; I want to be more, strive for more, need to learn more...raaaaahhhhh

The lesson is this. I am already this, I am good at what I do, in fact I am great at what I do. I connect with my people, I listen to what they want, see where they are at, and create a plan as to how to improve weaknesses and imbalances in their body and get them moving.

Hmmmm the buzz has gone and my head is thinking strategy.


Roll on 25th sept. I am ready :)

Essentials...

Did an awesome 'Essentials' class at yoga today. Always good to go back to the foundations and learn more about alignment and allow yourself to see where you have come in your practice, take things slower and focus on moving with breathe.

I love that yoga is an endless journey of self discovery both mentally and physically. A few times, I caught my 'ego' saying 'WOW, you've improved, your good'. But the still mind always brought me back to breathe! Loving practice at the moment, allot more good energy to flow with.

8.47am

lying in my nice warm room waiting to be picked up by a friend for yoga. Its torrential rain here and yes a little bit nipply.

I feel that I really need to sit down today and look where I am at...in regards to my personal training sessions, debt, accommodation, transport, health, fitness, visa for India and savings for travel. Sometimes I like to avoid things because I don't have time or energy to deal with the truth of whats going on. Sometimes ignorance is bliss! But this little place we call reality, it seems to take things far too seriously, encouraging us to meet deadlines, making us pay rent, asking us to have visas to travel to far away places. I guess it makes sense...but in my world...things do get done, maybe just not as efficiently or as timely as they could. But ff there was more time in this place called "reality"and that lying down thing we do and are supposed to do more often required less time what a perfect reality it would all be. 

But this is not how we are supposed to live, how has the whole planet become so time conscious, time poor and time demanding!! There are books and workshops on how to become more time efficient or how to manage your time better. We are teaching out selves how to better manage our time so we can squeeze more in.

Here is a free lesson "Do less" Less is more! less in fact is the 'New More'.

I can say this so easily and with confidence because I do believe (and it may be blatantly obvious) when you spread yourself too thin, you lose energy and time for the things you actually love to do versus the things you need to do in order to produce an outcome.

(have to run to yoga...will continue, possibly from a different headspace).

tempted by the fruit of another...

Temptation is tempting. Urges, desire, attraction, passion...all emotions that make us crave and often succumb.

Interesting situation...

Attraction? Yes. Connection? Yes. Curious? Yes. Stimulating? Yes. Exciting? Yes. Complicated? Yes. Relationship? Yes. Can hearts be broken? Yes Many.

Life often challenges us to test us and to ensure we keep growing and evolving. 'Old' lessons in disguise are often used to ensure major struggles of the past have been clearly dealt with and understood. In which case, sometimes we effortlessly flow through such challenges with grace, poise and wisdom and sometimes we struggle with our values and morals, recognise that we have learnt this lesson before, but can still struggle to implement and execute the appropriate actions according to what we have learnt. 

My question is this, and mind you I already know the morally correct answer, but I'm just making sure. What if its worth the risk? Have I not learnt my lesson? Am I being, selfish, inconsiderate, naive, an asshole?

Its all so confusing and clear at once...Like Neutral!

I'm going around in circles in my brain. I can see all sides and outcomes to the situation yet some dysfunctional cell in body says, go for it, go with the flow, live in the moment, be present...

Here's the thing. As the nature of the situation is so complicated and the history of how this all came about and how we met blah blah. (For another post, at a later date). This has to wait. Patience and Time will be the real true test of whats meant to be. Like with everything. What ever happened to the theory of, take the opportunity while you can. Grrr. Sometimes, knowing more and being more can be frustrating, because being immature and juvenile is easy. Though the repercussions so much tougher...another head circle!

Life as I know it this year has changed so rapidly and so unexpectedly. The beginning of 2011 is so different to what I am going through right now and I know that once I jet off for a few months 2011 will change again. I know its almost stating the bleeding obvious, but the dynamics and the contrast of feelings, emotions, ups and downs, people that come and go....fuck me....put your seat belts on! I'm not sure if its profanity or insanity!! But I try to remain cool, composed, chillaxed and see where this ride takes me.

I am talking in riddles and may not even be making much sense, In a nutshell...two mates, go out get drunk, have sex, enjoy the sex, communicate more, like each other more, one is in a relationship, the other is not...

ventilation

vent, venting, ventilation ~ to release, let out, remove....

V words. Very pissed off, Very annoyed, Very frustrated not sure these count, but my own purposes I will let them slide.

What a fuckin' morning. Started off at 5:01am when my alarm went off, had to leave the house in the pouring rain, which at that time was sideways, got to my first client, trained him, fine...left his house, rain still sideways, made the (its peak hour and raining so everybody drive like a slug) dart for the city, found a parking space much closer to the gym than normal, I thought... fantastic. Get to the gym, train another client, still fine. Now I am about to leave the gym, and boom....my "fine" morning turns into SHIT! I cannot find the key....anywhere. I pat myself down checking my body at least 10 times, nope, nada, niente, definitely nothing. I checked the floorspace where I was working, under the desk, the whole street on the way back to the car, the place where I got my coffee, up and around near the car, I asked every cafe between the gym and the car. Nothing. I cant believe it.

My mate is furious that she now has to come to the city to give me the spare key, confiscates the car and doesn't talk the whole journey back to her work. I don't blame her really. But there is one more kicker! The zapper for the apartment is also on the key ring! FUCK!!! So now she is irate! Still don't blame her! I just cant believe the keys are no where! Vanished (V word :))...

vent.ed

ahhh

niente

I had more to write about earlier today, lots in fact and now 'niente' is coming to the surface... Surely something will come up soon. While it does, let me tell you BLOG...All I seem to be doing in brief moments of thought is thinking about YOU and what today's entry is going to be about. I find myself talking aloud to myself, often in public, walking to the station, walking to my classes, driving, cooking and possibly when I'm sleeping.

So this post "niente" has no meaning. I'm just gonna write and see what comes up...

Ahhh here we go...

So many possibilities, options and choices to be made while I am away. Remaining present to whats going on here on a daily basis feels good. I feel that I am present...well most of the time. Sometimes I choose not to be. Why? because sometimes, well, if you knew me really well. I like to dream. Not sci-fi fiction dreaming, just plain ol' dreaming.

I read a quote somewhere once "dreaming is a form of planning"... it sticks in mind. You have to dream if you want to evolve in life. Sure nature can and will take its course and the universe will send you what you need to learn, when you need to learn it. But having a vision is nice, a guided path if you will as opposed to be a rudderless ship, plodding unconsciously without a captain is a recipe for total dissatisfaction in this little beings world.

I like to be open and flexible (not the way your thinking, though I am very flexible and my hips in the last 12 months are phenomenal! 2010 = No Side Splits, 2011 = Side Splits! BOOM!! (No Ego)!) in my approach to life. I adapt well to change, have no expectations of others and am letting go of my own HIGH expectations of me, learning that I am already what I am. Nothing more, nothing less. Its too easy to keep striving, achieving, setting new goals and doing this over and over and again. But its when you realise that you are where your at as part of your own personal evolution that you become more content and more present to the you that is.

So I didnt get to the part about 'possibilities' while traveling. But I will, just not tonight. Maybe tomorrows topic. I have a 6am appointment. yeeeeowch!!

.neutral.

I've become quite fond of words in the past 12 months or so. I'm not sure if it has something to do with 'words with friends' on the iPhone or the new one I love, 'hanging with friends' :) or the fact that I have been writing more and more. Getting "STUFF" (because that's all it is) out of my head.

I have allot to write about today. So my fingers are gonna have to keep up...

Anyways, today's word became "neutral, not because I am in different, not because I am angry or happy, lazy or energetic...the best way that I can describe how I am using the term neutral is; passion (for love and life) and rage (for frustration and anticipation). I'm not too keen on the 'rage' side of it. But it feels offset by the 'passionate' side of it. Strange? yes!...

Neutral does not mean balance. Nothing is perfect or equilibrium, well for very long anyway. Neutral feels like idle. Forward nor backward, left nor right. Just smack bang in limbo which reminds me of the colour grey. Somewhere between black and white. That's bullshit! Neutral just feels like a more positive term to describe all of this craziness. Anyways...enough of neutral. I dont want to spend very long here.

Genesis 2:2

By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work.

'change' the light bulbs...

2011 you never cease to amaze me! 

I am longing change, adventure, freedom, inspiration, stimulation, uncertainty. The routine that becomes life, becomes a life of routine. Mundane and certain! My two least favourite words. I know the meaning of these 2 words can and will change, but right now, 31 years and 10 months, my life is about exploring creativity and self expression through true freedom. Being caught in the mundane makes me feel trapped, suffocated, uninspired, depressed and frustrated.

I had a numerology report read for me in 2009 whilst doing my last cleansing fast in Koh Samui. Basically the chart determines different aspects of your life based on your name and your date of birth. I know it sounds fluffy, but when your at wits end and want to know if you are on the right path it is a good point of reference to go back to and check in. I like this report allot, not because it says only good things but it also mentions weakness, significant points of turbulence and turmoil at various points in your life. Most, if not all of the reading resonates with me so I go with it. This is what came up in the reading for my Expression 23/5. 


Your Expression number reveals your physical and mental constitution, the orientation or goal of your life.  Some numerologists refer to this number as the destiny, because it represents a lifelong target at which you are aiming.  You work at fulfilling this potential every day of your life.  Thus, the Expression number reveals your inner goal, the person you aim to be.  

Liz, you are a free spirit.  You love change, adventure, and excitement.  You
love your freedom.  Like a bird that needs its wings to live, you cannot exist
without it. Freedom is the nucleus around which your life revolves.  You need it
for your very survival.  By using freedom properly, you are able to explore and
develop all of your varied talents.  You will meet many types of people and travel
great distances.  Freedom is the atmosphere necessary for you to bring forth
your many talents.

I find this fascinating and amazing! It excites me! Its exactly what I feel is happening. The huge challenge for me right now, before I can pursue any of that is to stay still, focused and clear. Previous lessons (debt) before moving on and having the real freedom I so utterly crave!

While the journey ahead is clear, yet uncertain where the path will lead me, who I will meet, where that will lead me. Knowing this about myself has been another light bulb moment of 2011.

Most people freak out at the thought of change and instability but I crave it, I need it, I want it.

Another light bulb that turned on this year is the realisation that I am in the acquiring, learning and experiencing phase of my path. That is having found the purpose of why I was put on this earth I now know what it takes and what I need to do in order to continually move toward this vision. Keeping an open mind of course, though I do find though that everything I am interested in is related and adds value, knowledge, experience, creativity and wisdom to what it is I do. WoWie WoW!!

I love this quote:

You were born original. Don't die a copy ~ John Mason

Live, Laugh, Love

So in application of this "love is a spectrum theory" to my life;

Me and my XXXX moved back from London, I loved her like no other, no other!! Is it because, I made major sacrifices for her based on promises WE made for a life back home together, she was my first serious girl relationship or is it because I fundamentally loved her as a person and thought she was the one? Based on what I needed to learn at that time, (i.e. only make decisions for your self, do what you want to do) I think it was the former. Clinging on to the idea of some future together and the ideal of a stable relationship.


Then there is the XXX who I had a mini affair with. I say mini because it was. We fell in love with each other as the people we are. I can still say, I love her for who she is. Now she has started a family and is happy and we are still good mates. (The 4X hates me :-/) We met in really weird circumstances, my relationship was ping pong and hers was empty. We found something in each other that filled a void in both of us. As great as the physical was, it was more a friendship that had we pursued anything more we would of ended up resentful of each other. Way too similar as individuals.


Then there is XX. The party girl. This was actually a really insightful love. Because I said I loved her once I think, just before she went travelling. But she would definitely not understand this spectrum I am talking about. Well maybe at a friendship level. But I do still love her the same way I did when I was with her. So to me that says 'friend'. She took it as me LOVING her and I have since denied saying it because it does my head in for her to think that I was gaga over her. I enjoyed being with her, but from the beginning I knew she was leaving and therefore not the one. I really care about her as a friend and I love that we can talk about everything.


Then there is the X. Hard to call her an X because we were never official. But in essence it was, because we were exclusive to each other at that point of time. She by far has been my favourite to love. This has probably been the easiest to let go of simply because of the honesty, communication and understanding between us. I think we both knew when she was leaving that the last morning in my kitchen when we were crying was tears of acknowledging that a chapter was closing right before our very eyes. It was hurtful at the time, because we really understood and respected each other as two people...and if we didn't understand we tried to and if we couldn't we just accepted. I could of married her! But like me, she has amazing dreams of her own and she said it herself, she could never probably be fulfilled in a female relationship. Takes allot of guts to say that. I admire that about her. She probably has taught me the most about my self that anyone has in a long time. So to say it was easy to let go of, makes it sound irrelevant and disposable. When in actual fact, this is true letting go. Being able to understand all aspects of the situation and see it for what it is, not for what you expected it to be or what is wasn't. Tat va masi! She probably waltzed or knowing her pirouetted into my life for such a brief time to teach me lots of lessons quickly. For that I love ya!

So to tie all this rambling up.

    Live Laugh Love

Why I titled this post, Live, Laugh, Love. You have to live, experience, feel pain, feel happiness to be able to know your alive. When we have learnt lessons about others and ourselves, sometimes all you can do is laugh. But as humans we seek happiness, peace, freedom and love!

Now I live, completely open minded I am more confident of who Liz Smiz is and have let go of self expectation. Through lessons learnt I have become stronger, more resilient, more intuitive and am really enjoying being present to the freedom of my mind. Limitless!

love is a spectrum

"Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning". ~Unknown

Don't worry I'm not gonna get all mushy. But what I am gonna get is all philosophical and poetic. Maybe not a rhyming poet but just all...."love is blind", "love is a flower", la la la...

But first, I need my Nanna Nap. 3 hours later... Im not sure if thats a Nanna Nap anymore?

Anyways....back to la la L.O.V.E...

So in my 20 or so years that I have been attracted to another human being, opposite sex, same sex, or just sex. It seems those little things we call emotions; desires, attachment, love is what draws us close to a mate and keeps you together for 'x' days, weeks, months, years, decades. (eeek on the last one).

I speak about this today because of a phone conversation I had with an excellent mate last night. She is coming to many realisations about the relationship she is currently in. My advice is sometimes you have to go that deep into something to before you realise that's not what you want before you realise what it is you want. Sometimes the stakes have to be high so the message becomes clear. That's how I learnt anyways. Leaving London was not for me, but I certainly got the message when she broke up with. (Bitch) - Jokes ~

How I see it (shoot me if you don't agree, as I am still single over here) is, that we can love many times over and ove. After the intial sting we get over the pain and hurt and might say, "we didn't really love them", or "I dont know what love is".  Is this to protect our definiton of love we hold in our mind? Maybe.

Instinctively, I believe we all do know what love is. But we cling to the idea that we have to identify it, when in fact it can be and is so many thnigs at once. 

So saying I love you to someone because you mean it at that point in time;  

...and all a word can ever be is your definition and understanding of that word at that point in time...and love is one of those ambiguous words, where based on our conditioning and experiences we all hold a different meaning for love.

to then realise we are not sure we love someone for the previous definition we gave it at that time, does not mean we don't love them, it just means our meaning of love and what is NOW important to us has changed. This is not to say that we don't love them for who they are. Because who they are is obviously great because you were with them. But if your meaning does not evolve with the person and all the facets of a strong relationship are; not present, diminish or morph into something else over time. This is OK, doesn't mean your naive or foolish it just means that you now recognise. The hard part is then breaking it to them...the cliche, Its not you its me! I love you, but I'm not in love with you. Ouchy wah wah!!. This is the shit that burns bridges. But the fact of the matter is, if they understood you and you were both on the same page then this whole "I'm not in love with you pa.la.bah", probably wouldn't be the case. No one is to blame here, I guess its just how life presents us with lessons we need to learn.

So love as spectrum...

What I mean by this spectrum, is that we can have friendship love, love hanging out with certain people, loving your partner so much at the time, moving on and then meeting someone new, loving them and thinking wow, I didn't love my ex that much. But at that point in time you did. We can try to compare and say I loved her more than her or him more than her or any which way, but at the end of the day, when you don't know any better right now and that's how you feel right now, you have to go with that. So the spectrum is simple, we love to love, love to be love and love is constantly changing...

Black and White is too simple for this theory (and the colours are too boring, love is colour!). Ha haha Black and White is a whole other theory I could write about. Reminds me of someone and another lesson learnt.

I have truly been blessed to have some really cool people come in and out of my life as long time lovers and short term romances even a few flings. I don't think that I would be in a relationship with someone I couldn't love. Mind you, I am also someone that has a lot of love to give. I love to love and love to be loved. So I do have to wise about who I let in, are they worthy.

My favourite song at the moment!
Cheryl Cole - 3 Words

Work, Rest and Play...

Who would of thought that a chocolate bar created in 1932 would of been offering great lifestyle advice in 2011. Isn't it always the way though, to return to the old school of thought and find supporting evidence to justify and validate new findings and sources of information.

But lets face it, the theory WORK, REST AND PLAY is not rocket science and definitely does not require medical evidence or historical data to prove that to be a happy human being, we NEED adequate rest and lots of play...though the only part I am not convinced about and may need supporting evidence here is the WORK part :-/

WORK. So its been almost 2 months of a hard core schedule that requires maximum efficiency and time allocation. That is every minute is accounted for down to toilet breaks. Which, Sux right? So this week, I have taken a different approach to my fucked up schedule. I made time to do what I want...Randomly. i.e spontaneously, without thought, no guilt. What I do best...

REST. ahhhhh the missing ingredient to my perfect routine.

PLAY. Had a giggle on Monday night, got to see my mum Tuesday day, had a spliff Tuesday night and a damn good conversation with someone I barely new, Wednesday, treated myself to a massage, had lunch with a friend, slept, slept, slept, did yoga blah blah. Doesn't sound less hectic, in fact its still quite busy, but having 2 nights to switch off was amazing, seeing friends and family and more importantly self love and pampering. hmmmm "I guess that's why the Mayan calendar has weekends"!!

So in conclusion to my chocolate bar theory. If you are to burn it at all ends, make sure you have a mars bar. Only kidding!!

Make sure you make time for your la familia and hombres and more importantly moi. ~

Surrender

To surrender in spirituality and religion means that a believer completely gives up his own will and subjects his thoughts, ideas, and deeds to the will and teachings of a higher power. It may also be contrasted with Submission. Surrender is willful acceptance and yielding to a dominating force and their will. 

Reference: Wikipedia

the peeps you draw into your life...

I still find it totally amazing the people that you
a. attract into your life,
b. the people you allow into your life and
c. the people that are in your life but do not seem to add value.

Not adding value is OK too, because this in itself can teach us lessons about our selves.

But when you do meet someone randomly and you have an instant connection you really become aware of the people that you attract. Quite often, someone you barely know can teach you the biggest lessons about yourself.

So last night, I was supposed to work (again), but I went to yoga in the morning and this girl that I chat to here and there before class said, yeah we definitely need to catch up and play with movement. I'm like yeah for sure, depends when I get time off...blah blah blah. I said, actually. Maybe I could take tonight off so we can hang out. I did just that, picked up from work, went back to mine, smoked a small spliff and just chatted for 4 hours.

It was profound...one of the biggest light bulb moments was something that (obviously) never occured to me with my yoga. Remember last week, I left Mels class :-( because I nearly passed out. Fabs asked "how do you feel when you leave yoga", I said, sometimes energised, but allot of the time, zapped, then become refreshed later. She said "maybe you need to stop pushing your self and take the breaks you feel you need when your in the class".  

Surrender! Thats why yoga is not working for you!...


I paused in conversation and had one of those moments where the 'light bulb' flicks on... So different approach starts today. No yoga, am going to sleep more and do my class tomorrow and really tune in to how I feel and not worry about keeping up with the flow of the class.

Thanks Fabs!

red wine, pizza and a giggle...

Red wine and pizza really has fixed my day of shitness. I went to visit my mates and hang out, chill, relax, chill-lax, calm the farm, kick back, put my feet up...you get it. I really thought that a pizza would be a nice touch to an evening with the gals and a bottle of vino.

In catching up with the girls, one of them was talking about their latest relationship drama / closure. I felt really bad for her, becasue she was the one that broke it up and subsequently decided that she didnt want it to end like that etc. No details for me to tell here. But what it made me realise, is that we are all crazy in one way or another. We want what we cant have, and when we have it, we're not satisfied, so we dont want it and then we realise soon enough that it was a mistake and want it back.

To end a shitty day giggling at someone elses misery ended up being a good night in. She was a good sport about it all and can see the flaw in it. But sometimes what we think and know is different to how we behave and act in reality.

To conclude, I feel very random. From shit to shine in less than 12 hours. Letting go, being present and ordering a family size pizza and some wine with mates is always a good cure for the blues :)

grumpy as hell...

Wow, being grumpy requires way more effort than the ho hum of an ordinary day. It started out pretty rough and has maintained a consistent level of shitness. SO this for me is good...at least its consistent. Not going to rant and rave too much, as I know its part of lifes journey. So I'm just blogging and logging a shit day, so that when I look back in 5 months I can remember that we all have to go through constant shit (usually in cycles) in order for a good day to seem amazing and an amazing day to seem extradordinary and so on. So yeah yeah I get it, you just have to take the good with the bad, accept it and carry on. Thats all...

pretty spesh

I miss talking to you, hearing your voice, looking at your face, taking the piss out of you, you taking the piss out of me, massages with coconut oil, tea and dark chocolate, laughing my ass off, cooking for you and of course going to bed with you (naked).

I know it was only a short time that we had this fling, but right now when I feel tired, alone, empty and need a little attention, I have my thoughts and my blog. Not the same, but is working wonders for me right now as I have so much happening up stairs.

I don't want to sound attached or needy or desperate. But like I said to ya, your pretty spesh to moi. I still wanna call ya and tell ya random shit about any random incident. I'm not sure why, but I think its because you listen, you get my head space and see it from my perspective. I like that allot about you, and the fact that you then provide insight or a different perspective.

I'm not sure right now honey if I am ready for a relationship, as you know I am outta here in 10 weeks (and counting) to depart on my own journey, similar, but very different from you. You are living your career right now, I have lived mine and am about to re-discover my passion for me, for my career and for life.

But just so you know... you still pop into my mind everyday.

is it too much?

9:33pm Sunday night. 

I finally get home and am able to chill out before I have to get to bed and be up at 5am for a 6m appointment. I really appreciating PT work at the moment. It's the cafe and the bar job that are definitely killing my life. I have never felt this drained and lacking in energy.

I spent a couple of hours with my mum on Saturday and it was so good to see her. Though the only problem was that I was dead tired, didn't want to walk around and look at the shops like we usually do when we catch up and just wanted to get home to rest before another slog at the bar.

I am trying to think of my priorities and keep my goals in focus, but it seems that my health and energy levels are totally out of focus. Feeling, heavy, lethargic, snappy, forgetful and just not myself.

So I am wondering if I am expecting too much from myself or am I just wimping out because I am tired...constantly. Am I being realistic? I still have debt on my plate that I am trying to clear and trying to save for a 6 months of traveling amongst all of this is really stressing me out. The income is still inconsistent, though I must say that I am chipping away at it all and achieving mini milestones weekly, which does feel great... though all I want to see is the bank balance jump up every week.

My gut is telling me to let go of the cafe, but I do really enjoy it. After the 20th July he will be paying me cash and I can pretty much set my hours. At the bar, the money is good, tips are good, the people I work with are fun but the hours are a little outta whack.

All I know is this, after another week like last week, I am wrecked. I think its too much, but right now I am not sure I can let go of anything. Looks like another sinking week. I think its also time to give up the fags as ultimately I think this is what is letting me down and draining me of all vital energy.

letting go...

The idea of letting go is something that if you practice it often you become better at detaching, moving forward and focusing on the present. What is in front of you at that very moment.

For me, letting go means letting go of expectations of others and myself and letting go of the past where I have been hurt, felt pain and unhappiness, but also sentimentality of the past. Good memories can also hold us back from moving forward too. We cling and attach to 'what was' and expect that 'what is' should remain the same. This kind of thinking is what often prevents us from moving forward.

In April 2007 I moved back from London with my girlfriend at the time, home to Sydney. I thought, based on love and expectations that this was the right decision. Boy was I wrong. In August of the same year, she wanted to break up with me, because her fear of being gay and in love with a woman was frigthening. At this point in time, I could not describe for you the crushing feeling that I felt. I totally lost myself in my emotion, sentimentality, fear, hurt, betrayal...etc. It took almost 18 months for all this to come to an end. Including me, getting her back and having another relationship. It was all pretty messed up and everyone came out hurt.

But looking back, it was not until I let go of all my thoughts and memories of happiness and good times back in London town and looked at where we were today and the way things played out, that I was finally able to let go.

Since then I have been in 2 mini relationships and both have pretty much played out the same. Both times I have almost felt unaffected. Not because I am made of Titanium, but because my awareness and expectations has completed changed. Now, I expect nothing. I expect nothing other than honesty, communication, and a damn good laugh.

For me, expectations of myself have also changed, significantly. I am being pretty hard on myself at the moment as I have to work double hard to recover debt and to save and start my travels. So my expectation is that I save lots of money so I can travel for longer. Though were my expectations have really changed is what I want for myself....

I'm tired tonight, off to bed, more on this tomorrow.

i love you Mum

I have another day off today (still working tonight). Weather is beautiful, sun is shining and although its a little bit nipply...there is something about a nice Saturday morning to your self. So called my Mum and she is coming to meet me in the city and walk around.

I love it how my Mum is always there for me, I know that she would do anything for me and loves me no matter what. I really do want to spend more time with her before I go traveling. I know she is going to worry about me, so hanging out with her and letting her know that I am a (partially capable) adult should calm her.

Shes quite a character my Mum, shes a little Filipino lady that has lived here in Australia for over 30 years now, so she speaks perfect English and has a Philo Aussie accent. Which basically means, he is she, she is he and sometimes she makes no sense...but I cant just blame that on English. hehehhee. She is a bit of a nutter too. We call each other names, like mudda pucka. Our edited version of Mutha Fucka...incase you didnt get that.

She and I are very similar, but its almost as if I am continuing on the legacy by being the free spirit. She left Manila to get away and experieince a new life for her self, to work and support her family back in Manila. She met my Dad pretty much straight away (within the first year) of moving to Sydney....I on the other hand have lived abroad twice and am not so easy to tie down. I love change, uncertainty, adventure, freedom, people, culture, food. I often joke, that in my past life I was a bird. :) But secretly, I think its true. hehhe. Though the flip side to all of this is that, I know deep down, I do seek all of those things, not as high on the priority list as some, but it is definitely there. I am also a true beliver that if the right person was to be presented, then it would be an effortless effort of letting go, making comprise and sharing the path.

Anyways, my Mum since being married to my Dad was able to live out her dream of moving to this massive island (girked by sea) meeting a good guy and the best part is yet to happen....she has me. Most of the time she thinks I am volitile, erratic, unstable and still a child. I get that, I can see how she would think that, but I know that she has also learnt that this is who I am. If I was my Mother I would be highly concerned too, but when she and I can spend a day together like today we sit and talk, I share my dreams, ideas and vision, she listens and also dreams with me. I love that about her.

..."if  you ever read this Mum". "Please dont worry, I have this life under control". I don't know exactly what I am doing, but it is calculated and still lies in the direction I have always been heading. I have been side tracked many times and all I know right now is that I am doing the right thing for me. I need change, inspiration, to be stimulated, to experience more. I am not dis satisfied with my life here or running away from anything. The timing is right and it is time for me to embark upon a journey that will change my life, give me a well deserved break. I know who is Elizabeth is and she wants to see how she interacts with the world and responds to life situations out of her comfort zone. I am not lost mum, I am already found, just searching for a little more to create an exisistence that is rewarding and satisfying.

I Love you Mum

slop-sta

Another hectic shift at the bank complete. Good fun as always! but o-so long. This lifestyle really is the complete opposite to the lifestyle of health and wellness I am so used to promoting. Early morning clients and beach runs after 8 hours of quality, rejuvenating sleep. Ah, the only joy of true routine, refreshed energy.

Something that e-rked me at work tonight was, a member of staff that wasn't working coming to the bank and expecting to get free drinks all night. At first I thought it was a one off, she handed me cash, I charged her less. Fine!

...but, she kept coming to me and only me because I was the new girl. I was pissed off firstly that she would call my name while I was serving a customer and secondly, after having poured her drinks, she would take them away and say to me "I'll be back in a second" and never come back. I had to hit her up for the money other wise I would of complained to duty manager. She was o-so sloppy in her demeanor as well. I would never even consider putting a new member of staff in that situation! But I just didn't want the hassle and then have to work with her and it be difficult etc. I just want work (especially bar work) to be conflict and drama free.

I'm sure I'm blabbering on and not getting much of a point across but I like to get things out of my head, then forget about it. So nuf said...

tat va masi

Thou are That - I had a tattoo done on right forearm about 3 weeks ago. I was having a pretty ordinary day and didn't know how I wanted to fill my time, but I definitely wanted to fill it with something for me. So rather than a pedicure, I thought, it's tattoo you been thinking about done today...

I have been thinking about this 'Sanskrit' term for a few months, since studying and since dropping out of Oriental Psychology. It really resonated with me, because I know for myself that I am always striving to be something. Most of us. This is what we are conditioned to believe is important from childhood. What do you want to be???...I get that, that's how we set goals, learn grow, set new goals, learn, grow...etc. But at which point after all this striving do we take the time to stop and say...shit...I've come along away, look where I'm at. Look at what I am, what I have become. Most of the time we forget to stop and smell the roses and continue to burn ourselves out striving, wanting more, achieving more and are never truly satisfied with who we are and what we are.

My story is this. 31, almost 32 year old personal trainer. (Natural born trainer as I see it). Got all elements to be anything I choose to be in this industry, but am limited by my desire to acquire and acquire more knowledge and experience so that I can believe I am the trainer that my sub conscious imagines I am. But in reality, there is nothing wrong with the trainer that I am. I know this now, because the clients I have chosen to work with, love me for me. Maybe I am not articulating this well, but my point in a nut shell is this,

"when you let go who you think you should be, you become who you are".

 I used to be very hard on my self. Allot of negative head speak, self punishment, sabotage etc. I'm not saying they are 100% demolished, but I am aware of them and accept that they are a part of me. I find, that when I am not being true to myself these behaviours come out to play!...

...she's online again...

Hello blogger!...I missed you. Word just didnt cut it. When it comes to listening, there is no-one like you...hehehehe. yep officially lost it!

So today is my first day off, though it is not a full one. I have to work at 8pm tonight, but am totally up for it and ready for it because I did not have to wake up to an alarm this morning. The quality of sleep is so different and I still believe at 5am (when I usually wake up) the body is still in rejuvenation and repair. Anyways...

What a fuckin' loooooonG week. I know this, because its still Friday, my iphone went in for repair and is back, I lost my wallet and have since replaced my licence, I started training a new client, adding more hours to my already hectic schedule. I left my keys in the door and didnt even realise, left my back up phone at a cafe, almost collapsed in yoga and had to leave. That is the part I am most pissed about. But all in all...today I am feeling pretty good. Lots of eating and sleep...so good for the soul.

re-discovering

5 July 2011

Days are seemingly longer and sleep like a distant memory, a recollection of when I was a small child and that’s how we were rejuvenated to start another day.
I’m in such a weird place in my mind. I know what I need to do in order to pursue my dream, my career, my life journey. So all the shit that I have to go through on a daily basis is just that shit I have to go through to fix the shit I got my self into.

Being a part time PT for the past 2 months and working with a new client has given me back that little spark, a reminder of what I love. This morning after her first session, she said to me ‘how long you been a trainer for?” I said 11 years. She said wow…”you seem like you love it”… and for the first time in a long time. I felt like a natural born trainer. Well, a person that was put on this earth, to motivate, lead and inspire others to believe that they can make changes and get to where they want to be.

This quality, is something I discovered in studying (and subsequently dropping out to go to India) that in my numerology, based on my birthday is that I am a natural born leader, represented by the house of Thunder or number 3 on the Bua Gua Template. This probably wont make sense to anyone. So in order to cultivate this quality, you have to be aware of what your other 2 numbers are and how they can distract or derail you from reaching your full potential. Probably not explained correctly…So my second number is 7 which is house Lake, which is creative, adventurous, playful etc. Though the number which eludes me and causes me all sort of ups and down is Water, 1. Water is emotional. Which basically means that this prevents you creating that focus you need when you want to achieve something. I best say here, that this is my interpretation of my reading in my words. There are also lots of positives to each of the houses stated, but in a nut shell that’s how I came to the conclusion that being a natural born trainer is my calling.

Where I stand now is that I do not know in which form, hence why I have taken the time out. So, to be true to me and follow my gut, which is take a break, go traveling, hang with Liz Smiz. That is what I am going to do. I know when I come back, or even while I am away, things will continue to evolve and morph as and where I need. I trust my gut feeling now, more than I ever have and this is the pre-tense in which I will leave Sydney. Open, honest and intuitive to my own essence.

NUF Said…

:-<>scream to the top of my lungs <>-:

So my iphone is broke, which means no internet, which means no blogging, which means word docs. So here is the copy and paste from 4th July 2011

Perception is an interesting topic, a topic that I will run with today. Feel like I want to scream and cry. But for some reason, I can’t, won’t, don’t. I know its good to cry and release but it feels like right now there is no point.

Past obligations are appearing now and are coming up to bite me in the ass. In the midst of all this hard work and slave labour that I am exposing my self too all because I am too lazy to promote myself and get clients. I am working fucking huge hours, barely sleeping and still feel poor. Why, because past decisions are now show repurcussions.

I want to slip away. I want to run away from it all and just have a fucking break and have a think about it all. I feel like I can’t learn anymore lessons right now. I need to digest what has happened and what keeps happening from the past 2 years. I just want it to run smoothly.

So I digress and let my negative thoughts do the typing. My perception is this. FUCK ME! I can’t take anymore. I am doing the best I can and it just doesn’t seem to cut the cake.

I know there is a lesson to be learnt in all of this and right now, I want to write that I don’t know what it is. But instinct says, act wisely, think things through, be less impulsive and have patience.
Trying to turn negatives into positives at times can be hard. When your tired, run down exhausted and shit keeps flying at you.

So you have to think of the greater cause, you purpose. The reasons behind the motive.

Struggling today!

CoMpaSSioN

...a little (allot) annoyed with my self today for my reactions and attitude at work. I should be more thankful for the person that I am and the skills and ability I have to be fairly OK allot of things.

Side bar to this initial thought, is that on the same note, I used to get as equally frustrated with myself for not specialising or being truly gifted at one single thing.

....back on track...I'm not one to praise my self full of glory and hit my head on doorways as I walk through. But there comes a point in your life when you do have to recognise your strengths and your weakness and capitalise or acquire and develop new skills.

For moi, hospitality is a no brain.er, being friendly, happy and bubbly to people is a no brain.er, working with others and having fun, a no brain.er. Working with in experienced people, ummmmm becoming less of a no a brain.er. I need to re-establish patience. I am not perfect. In fact, very far from it and if I had to replay a movie or hear my thoughts over today, it would not be something I would like to watch or listen to over and over. In recognising that, I am able to get it off my chest now, because I do not like these negative draining thoughts rattling in my head.

Many of the people I work with at the cafe are new to the industry, from a different culture and English is not their first language. I need to have more patience with them as its also not their fault that they have not received the right level of training to be their. Each member of staff has their own motivation for being their and therefore need that job and for them to be unhappy work is not nice... I can only speak for my self and in the greater scheme of things, I am sure that my situation and reason for being their is much more luxurious than most. I am going traveling for 6 months. Getting out of here to explore the world and be immersed in a different culture, whereby I will be the foreigner, out of my comfort zone, the one that cannot understand a language.

It wasn't until I had a full blown vent with my good mate Dani that I talked my self around from frustration to compassion and re focused my energy of all my passion, drive and motive for doing what I am doing, which can at times feel buried deep inside.

I am removing my thoughts as of right now and am only going to work with an open mind of I'm going to do what I need to do, to get to where I am going to go.

b-r-i-d-g-i-n-g==t-h-E==g-a-p

The Black Eyed Peas, titled one of their best albums "Bridging the Gap". hahaha and I think of it as a great term to describe, where you are and where you need to be or want to be. I am totally aware, that we should be present and enjoy each moment. But this is not to say, that we do not set goals, or do not have a focus. Its the total opposite in fact. The path we are on is determined by our inner drive, our spark, our essence. Who we are at the core.

Each and every one of us, has something inside us that propels us in a certain direction, leading us to our ultimately happiness. Sometimes we have to go though the whole process of making costly mistakes and performing painful tasks. I see this as the 'bridge'. "Its not where I want to be ultimately, but right now its what I have to do, to get to where I want to be and really do the things that I want to do".

I had vague picture in mind, that has morphed over the the last few years into something more clear and concise. Sometimes we build this bridge because at the very point in time when you start building you do not have perfect clarity of where the bridge will lead you. You with me?... So now that I know how to build the bridge and where it is going, bridging the gap is no where near as hard as 4 years ago.

I felt like a construction site, that had lost the plans to my development

I am sure throughout this life, we will be bridging many gaps, hopefully not too often. But like anything, it becomes easier...and if your smart and pay close attention, the whole process becomes repeatable and well documented. No two situations (bridges) will be the same, but your perception and attitude toward them is what will change. Calm, Cool, Collected!

SidEWAYs

Can I just secretly tell you Blog, that I love having the ability to bore you to death with my random thoughts.

hehehhehe....

Had to redo my RSA (responsible service of Alcohol) certificate on Friday, because I couldn't find my old one. I was a little annoyed because I would of had the day off otherwise and had to work all weekend.

So, the lecturer. Was this seemingly weird old guy. That had obviously been around the traps few times. He has been delivering this RSA course for a long time and thought it would be interesting to make humor of this. Those that did not speak English as a first language, found this difficult. Other English speakers, may have found him interesting and unbelieveable in a surreal, you can't be serious kind of way. I on the other hand, found him totally hilarious, uncanny and just a character. Not in a bad way, but in a "is this guy for real, shoot me now" kind of way. For my entertainment, I made him laugh, by supporting his jokes and making fun of him. He took a liking to me and my friendly girl attitude with a grandpa hat on! I respect him for that. I'm sure my high school teachers and their power play would of sent me to "room 29" (silent detention) or asked me to stand aginst the blackboard with my nose, or even send me to the principle. This guy, was awesome. Bouncing jokes off each other. ahhhh how un-enlightened they were to the wit and humour of Liz Smiz!

It seems the theme of the week has been POWER. Besides using electricity to power appliances, people use or exert POWER as a source to disguise their weakness. For me, true power lies in being able to influence others positively, not manipulating, or threatening or instilling fear.

I enjoy people that are a little sideways. They have an experienced, less serious attitude toward life, a great sense of humor and most importantly do not care what people think about them.

.^~kEEp YouR EyeS on Ze PriZe~^.

Some people exert power over others because they are weak at the core. Some people assume weakness at the surface because their strength is un measurable. Liz Smiz

I started a new job in a bar this week and I was warned that the duty manager was scary. My response, "I don't scare easily". Its true. I think its ridiculous to be scared, let alone scared of another person. So the Friday night shift was cruisy, and I really enjoyed it. The Saturday night shift when we were being allocated to the various bars, I was sent to the 'Garden Bar'. The most undesirable location to be working for 6 hours. The bar is part of the venues dining area, no music and not too much atmosphere except for people eating. Boring!... I expresses this to her with a sigh of ....uuuooo. That noise you make when you were a little kid, when you dont want to do something. :) SO...low and behold, the 'scary' duty manager, said "Liz, (smiz) this is your 2nd night!"... So as a weak person would, she kept me down there all night! Just because she knew it would grind at me that little bit. Grrrrr. It did. But I just had fun with two of the other bar girls that were also down there and showed her that I didn't care! I just kept focused on why I was there in the first place. Yoga, India, Travel!

For this petty, weak woman. This is her life!

Thats all I have to say on this, she is not worth my word or my energy. Getting it off my chest, out of my head and letting go.