letting go...

The idea of letting go is something that if you practice it often you become better at detaching, moving forward and focusing on the present. What is in front of you at that very moment.

For me, letting go means letting go of expectations of others and myself and letting go of the past where I have been hurt, felt pain and unhappiness, but also sentimentality of the past. Good memories can also hold us back from moving forward too. We cling and attach to 'what was' and expect that 'what is' should remain the same. This kind of thinking is what often prevents us from moving forward.

In April 2007 I moved back from London with my girlfriend at the time, home to Sydney. I thought, based on love and expectations that this was the right decision. Boy was I wrong. In August of the same year, she wanted to break up with me, because her fear of being gay and in love with a woman was frigthening. At this point in time, I could not describe for you the crushing feeling that I felt. I totally lost myself in my emotion, sentimentality, fear, hurt, betrayal...etc. It took almost 18 months for all this to come to an end. Including me, getting her back and having another relationship. It was all pretty messed up and everyone came out hurt.

But looking back, it was not until I let go of all my thoughts and memories of happiness and good times back in London town and looked at where we were today and the way things played out, that I was finally able to let go.

Since then I have been in 2 mini relationships and both have pretty much played out the same. Both times I have almost felt unaffected. Not because I am made of Titanium, but because my awareness and expectations has completed changed. Now, I expect nothing. I expect nothing other than honesty, communication, and a damn good laugh.

For me, expectations of myself have also changed, significantly. I am being pretty hard on myself at the moment as I have to work double hard to recover debt and to save and start my travels. So my expectation is that I save lots of money so I can travel for longer. Though were my expectations have really changed is what I want for myself....

I'm tired tonight, off to bed, more on this tomorrow.